Friday, August 12, 2011

Amended Proverbs

A twist on everyday proverbs and sayings

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it swim

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you will be gutting and cooking fish on the weekends.

You can't teach an old dog new tricks, but you can drop that old dog off at the pound and buy a new dog that will learn.

He who lives in a glass house shouldn't throw stones. He also shouldn't masturbate in the middle of the day.

If I had a nickel for every time I heard the saying 'if I had a nickel', I would have a boat load of nickels.

The early bird catches the worm. And the early ejaculator gets teased by the ladies.

A dog is a man's best friend, because he can't rat the man out to his wife.

A woman's work is never done, because there is always cooking and cleaning to do.

All good things come to he who waits. Tell to that to the man stuck in quick sand.

Never mix business with pleasure, especially if your business is a funeral home.

If at first you don't succeed, stop what you are doing and find a professional

Never judge a book by it's cover unless the cover has a picture of Pauly Shore on it.

You can't get blood out of a stone, except for Oliver or Emma Stone, they are filled with blood.

What goes up must come down. Viagra's new slogan.

It is better to give than to receive. Especially with STD's.

19 comments:

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

The dog tricks and glass house ones were the best!

Jewels said...

That was great. You just have to love getting up early on a Friday morning to a post like that! :) Thanks for the laughs.

*walks off giggling*

Joshua said...

"Never judge a book by it's cover unless the cover has a picture of Pauly Shore on it."

Or Kathy Griffin.

Ting Kubby said...

These are awesome, the Pauly shore one made me chuckle.

Bouncin' Barb said...

These were great. Especially the glass houses and the dog. I could read these all day long.

Toyin O. said...

So funny.

TS Hendrik said...

Very true about the glass houses ones. I also wouldn't use the bathroom in said house.

Pat Tillett said...

All good, but I like the Pauly Shore one best. Here's one for you:
"You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead..."

dirtycowgirl said...

Love it.

This needs to be on billboards.

Baby Sister said...

Number two had me cracking up. Very clever.

DWei said...

These are terrible but I love them all.

Bossy Betty said...

Good ones!

Fresh Garden said...

Wonderful! ;)

Ms. A said...

Excellent!

Jeffrey Beesler said...

What about slow and steady wins the race, or do I even want to know?

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

The fourth one has me in stitches.
Very true.
xoRobyn

Admin said...

These were all quite funny.

Chuck said...

Very nice list...and entertaining too. A friend of mine has always said the following:

You can't squeeze blood out of a turnip...or he turn up missing.

I would rather owe it to you...than cheat you out of it.

If that applies...

Shockgrubz said...

The people who first said these didn't know they'd open a can of your funny/true worms.