I'm starting up a new segment where I discuss the whereabouts of random characters, celebrities or things. And of course I'm going to add a humorous twist to it. I thought up this idea back in March and just never got around to do anything with it. I'm trying to clean out my draft folder, I have too much crap in there. I hope that this is different than The Non-Review's Non-Oblits, I don't want to end up copying T.S.
Today I have a commercial celebrity. You might not recognize his name but I'm pretty sure you will recognize his face and character. Michael Vale, aka Fred the Baker from the Dunkin' Donuts commercials.
Michael acted as Fred the Baker from 1982 til 1997. His famous line was "time to make the donuts." Now what you know is that Dunkin' Donuts retired his character in 1997 and that Michael Vale passed away in 2005, however I know the actual truth. Michael was hiding a dirty little secret that if word got out would shock the world. The real reason Michael woke up early and was excited to make the donuts was that he had a donut fetish. He liked to spend "quality time" with the donuts before anyone else came into the store. He kept this dirty little secret hidden from everybody even his wife and kids.
One day in 1997 the manager decided to come in extra early to the store but Michael didn't know that. The manager caught Michael with his pants down and was utterly shocked. Corporate decided that it would be in the best interest of everyone to say that they were retiring his character. If word got out about his fetish then the company and Michael would suffer ultimate humiliation.
Years later, the story got leaked through employees and family members. A reporter named Shelly heard about it and she wanted to get the scoop from the source. Unfortunate for her, Michael was placed into the witness protection program, nobody knew where he was. Shelly was determined to find him, it would be her biggest story. In 2005 she tracked him down but before she could interview him, a news report of his death was broadcast. Shelly gave up after she heard of his passing.
The truth is that Michael is still alive. Since 1997 he has been seeking help for his obsessive fetish. He has met with all different doctors of foreign lands trying to cure himself. His wife left him because he couldn't keep his problem under control and his kids don't speak with him anymore. His last known whereabouts were somewhere in South America. Michael, it's time to stop making it with the donuts.
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