Where Are They Now?

This series accounts the lives and events of people that were once famous and now you don’t know what they are doing. I’m here to give you the lowdown.

I am here to tell you the whereabouts of the Maytag Repair Man. I am sure a lot of you are wandering what happened to that man. I am going to divulge some secrets about the Maytag Repair Man. He didn't know anything about how to fix a washer or dryer. He had no mechanical experience at all. He was just a face behind the name. Most people that needed service on their appliance just assumed that he would be the one to stop by their house. The actual repair man would have to lie and tell the customer that he was out on another service call.

The fact that he couldn't fix an appliance isn't his biggest secret. He was hiding something from the company for awhile that he just couldn't keep to himself any longer. He told them that he was a cross dresser and could no longer hide it from the world. He demanded that he be able to "be himself" in the commercials. He was still under contract and the company couldn't discriminate against his lifestyle so they shot the commercials with him dressed as a woman. The company told him that they would air the commercials after the old ones did their run. They ran one of the new commercials at 3 in the morning. They waited until his contract expired and then they fired him for some bullshit reason. He was devastated.

He tried looking for other spokesperson positions. He auditioned for the Chiquita banana lady, Welch's grape juice girl and one of Barker's beauties on The Price is Right. Nobody would hire him. He goes by the name Ruth and only dresses as a man when he attends church. He spends a lot of his money at Victoria's Secret. You might see his at your local Walmart if you look hard enough.

Where Are They Now?

This series accounts the lives and events of people that were once famous and now you don’t know what they are doing. I’m here to give you the lowdown.

I am here to tell you what actually happened to Clara Peller. You probably don’t recognize her name but once I tell you what her tagline was you will know. She is famous for the line “Where’s the beef?”  The Wendy’s chain started this slogan back in 1984. Clara was featured in their commercials where she purchased a burger with big buns from a fictional fast food restaurant and exclaimed “where’s the beef?” while opening up the buns.

Now if you look up Clara, it will tell you that she died in 1987. This is a cover up. The truth is that after months of doing those commercials Clara went bat shit crazy. All she could dream about was hamburgers and she kept going up to random strangers asking “where’s the beef?” At first they thought she was just being colorful but it started to get out of hand. One time she showed up to one of the sets completely nude and was asking the kitchen appliances where the beef was. Clara had to be hospitalized. In order to save face and continue with their advertising Wendy’s decided to clone Clara. Any commercial featuring Clara after August of 1984 was of her clone and not her.

The clone worked out very well for Wendy’s until in 1987 it spontaneously combusted. It was reported that the real Clara Peller died in her home town in Chicago when it was actually her clone. Clara spent the next years in a mental institution until she escaped in 1993. No one knows the whereabouts of Clara. There were a few “sightings” in 1996, 1997 and 1999 but nothing was confirmed. Nobody knows if she is alive or dead. She would be 109 if she’s still roaming around out there. If you have seen her or know the whereabouts of Clara please don’t tell anyone. The Wendy’s Corporation doesn’t want to know. Also don’t ask how I know all of this information, I have my sources…. Cough…Kermit the frog…cough



If you want to read the first Where Are They Now? Click HERE

Where Are They Now?

I'm starting up a new segment where I discuss the whereabouts of random characters, celebrities or things. And of course I'm going to add a humorous twist to it. I thought up this idea back in March and just never got around to do anything with it. I'm trying to clean out my draft folder, I have too much crap in there. I hope that this is different than The Non-Review's Non-Oblits, I don't want to end up copying T.S.

Today I have a commercial celebrity. You might not recognize his name but I'm pretty sure you will recognize his face and character. Michael Vale, aka Fred the Baker from the Dunkin' Donuts commercials.

Michael acted as Fred the Baker from 1982 til 1997. His famous line was "time to make the donuts." Now what you know is that Dunkin' Donuts retired his character in 1997 and that Michael Vale passed away in 2005, however I know the actual truth. Michael was hiding a dirty little secret that if word got out would shock the world. The real reason Michael woke up early and was excited to make the donuts was that he had a donut fetish. He liked to spend "quality time" with the donuts before anyone else came into the store. He kept this dirty little secret hidden from everybody even his wife and kids.

One day in 1997 the manager decided to come in extra early to the store but Michael didn't know that. The manager caught Michael with his pants down and was utterly shocked. Corporate decided that it would be in the best interest of everyone to say that they were retiring his character. If word got out about his fetish then the company and Michael would suffer ultimate humiliation.

Years later, the story got leaked through employees and family members. A reporter named Shelly heard about it and she wanted to get the scoop from the source. Unfortunate for her, Michael was placed into the witness protection program, nobody knew where he was. Shelly was determined to find him, it would be her biggest story. In 2005 she tracked him down but before she could interview him, a news report of his death was broadcast. Shelly gave up after she heard of his passing.

The truth is that Michael is still alive. Since 1997 he has been seeking help for his obsessive fetish. He has met with all different doctors of foreign lands trying to cure himself. His wife left him because he couldn't keep his problem under control and his kids don't speak with him anymore. His last known whereabouts were somewhere in South America. Michael, it's time to stop making it with the donuts.




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