The time has come for a fresh, new, shiny battle. I am going to pit eight Sesame Street characters against each other for your amusement (and a little for my amusement). There will be four 1st round elimination matches leaving 4 characters to duel in the 2nd round. After the 2nd round, there will be only 2 remaining characters left to fight for the crown of Sesame Street Top Dog (or Cat). The combatants will be chosen at random from the eight characters I have already chosen. Enough chit-chat, let’s get the 1st match underway.
OSCAR THE GROUCH
PTM: I asked the studio audience to write down some questions for our combatants to answer before their battle. I will pick them randomly from this sombrero.
PTM: I will start with you Grover. And the first question says: Which of Jim Henson’s Muppets is your favorite?
Grover: That’s an easy one, Leonardo.
PTM: No, Grover, that is the name of one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. The question was about the Muppets, you know, Kermit the Frog, Miss Piggy, Gonzo. Those guys.
Grover: Oh, I always mix those two up. I’m a big fan of Beaker. He’s so easy to understand.
PTM: Moving on, next question is, what is your favorite topping to put on a pizza?
Grover: Fruit Loops and a little honey mustard.
PTM: You’re a weird guy. Here’s another one, are you mad that you weren’t made anatomically correct? You know, not having a penis and all.
Grover: What’s a penis?
PTM: You should ask your mother that question. One more question for you Grover, then we move on to Oscar. Who is your celebrity crush?
Grover: Penny from the Inspector Gadget cartoon. She was cute.
PTM: Ok Grover, you can go back to the locker room to get ready for the battle. Oscar, I’m going to ask you four questions from the audience now. You had a guest appearance on the sitcom Scrubs, that must have been exciting for you?
Oscar: It was but Zach Braff kept leering at me and licking his lips. I’m not sure if he wanted to eat me or bang me.
PTM: Thanks for sharing that with us. Next question, have you ever thought about upgrading to a bigger garbage can, like a 2 bedroom?
Oscar: Like I never heard that question before. How very original of whatever dumbass wrote that one up. That’s like asking Big Bird if he is self conscious about his height. Let’s hope the next question isn’t from a moron.
PTM: I was going to say that was a little harsh but then I remembered you were Oscar the Grouch. Do you have any STD’s?
Grover: Now there’s a ballsy question. Let’s see, I have herpes, had gonorrhea twice and I think I just contracted syphilis from the slut from last night but I won’t know until I go to the doctor. I’m immune to the HIV so I don’t have to worry about that.
PTM: I don’t think you can be immune to HIV.
Oscar: I know a guy that gave me some pills to block it. He’s legit.
PTM: All righty then. Last question, you would look sexy with a tattoo, how come you don’t have one?
Oscar: It’s this damn hair; it’s all over my body. If I shave it, it just grows back in a day. I actually have 3 tattoos but you can’t see them because of all this hair. If you want you can come over and shave me if you want to see them. Just meet me after the battle.
PTM: Thank you Oscar. You can go back to the locker room and be back out to battle in 20 minutes.
Now this is where you as the reader get to vote on who you want to win the battle. Do you like Grover or Oscar the Grouch? Please leave your pick in a comment. Polls will close on Friday June 17th at 11:59 PM. Ballots will be tallied and a new battle will commence on Monday.