Helpful Guide To V-Day

THE GIFT TRANSLATOR: What you mean to say compared to What she thinks you're saying. Find out what your valentine's day present really says about you.

Box of chocolates: You - "You are as sweet and delicious as this candy." Her - "I stopped at a drugstore on my way to pick you up!"

Crotchless Panties: You - "It would be so hot if you wore these." Her - "I have probably been with hookers."

Home-Cooked Meal: You - "I love you so much, I put my heart and soul into this dinner." Her - "I lied about getting that holiday bonus."

Tickets to a Show: You - "I hate musicals, but I'll take you to one because you love them and maybe I'll get some nookie." Her - "There's something I need to tell you about me and my friend Frank."

Engagement Ring: You - "Fine, here you go. All your harping has paid off." Her - "You're the only one for me, and I can't wait to spend my life with you!"

I found this in Maxim, I wish I could take the credit. Just get the little lady some jewelry, you can't go wrong with something shiny. And a bunch of good smelling flowers. Don't procrastinate, get your gifts now and plan something special.

Want a free burial?

First off I just have to say WTF!! You will probably share the same feelings after you are done reading. There is a funeral home in Rome, Georgia offering a free burial to anyone that drinks and drives on New Year's and dies in doing so.

Apparently they are trying to raise awareness on the subject of drinking and driving but in the most unethical and fucked up way. First off to get the free burial you have to sign a contract that states that you promise to drink and drive during the holiday. Who is going to sign this dumb ass contract? It's probably some sort of sting operation and you will get arrested for conspiracy to commit drinking and driving or some crazy charge.

Now what if there are other victims in the drinking and driving accidents, are they covered under this contract? This doesn't seem like it should be legal. There is definitely some kind of law being broken here but it's in the south so probably not. If you can own a slave then you can do anything. I think George W. had something to do with this scheme. What is happening to this country?

How about you just do the old fashioned thing and have a designated driver or just sleep wherever you are going to be that night. Don't be that moron that thinks they can still drive perfect when they are drunk. Most of the idiots on the road can't even drive when they are sober. Let's be safe out there folks.

Sorry guys. you're wrong

I like to give advice from time to time, when I have advice worth giving of course. Something, I'm sure many guys are aware of but still need reminding, is that the girlfriend is always right. Now in actuality us guys are usually right but that never works out in our favor. No matter what you are fighting about it's not worth it to be right. You just have to swallow your pride, bite the bullet and say five little words: "Honey you're right, I'm sorry." Girls, you're welcome. Maybe I just averted a few unnecessary fights.

Guys you have to pick your battles. In the long run there is no advantage to being right. Even if you are right, in her eyes you are still wrong and she is still mad at you. Now what do both sides really want? For the fight to be over so you can have some good make-up sex. Really the only reason to put in your two cents is if she cheated on you or something of that nature. But even then being right is still a bad thing.

Stop having stupid fights over meaningless shit. Who cares who is right, it is not worth the agony. As a guy this is really hard to do but we want to make our ladies happy and it's going to involve some sacrifice. Next time you are about to have a fight think about what you really gain for being right....... nothing!!

Web surfing

If you are looking for random blogs to read check out blogsurfer.us.

Who wants movie advice?

I created a movie advice column over a month ago thinking it would be fun to share my opinions with people. I wanted people to email a movie they wanted to see and I would give them my review on it. My review would be humorous, random and probably not as helpful as a real review but it would be entertaining. Unfortunately no one has bothered to shoot me an email. On the side bar of my blog on the left it shows my email address and short description of my advice idea.



I guess other people aren't into movies as much as I am. This blog was mainly going to be about movies but it contains mostly random ideas and thoughts instead. Do I have any movie buffs that read my blog? Be the first one to receive a zany, entertaining review from Powdered Toast Man. Someone needs to get the ball rolling. There might be a prize incentive involved.........

Don't put it off, procrastinate now

Ever find yourself wanting to accomplish something and you end up polishing off a bag of Doritos in your pajamas watching reruns of Seinfeld? It happens to the best and the worst of us, you know who you are. The easiest thing to do to fix this side affect is to create a 'to do' list. I know what you are thinking but you would be surprised how much you actually accomplish by using a 'to do' list.

I started using one when I had a sales job and I still use it. The worse thing you can do is compile your list in your head and not write anything down. Have you ever thought about what you need to do the next day before you go to bed and then you wake up and forget half of it? I highly recommend writing it down so it's there when you wake up. I use a white board so I can easily keep it updated. For awhile it was working and then I kept forgetting to look at it and I turned into a couch potato. Why is it called a couch potato? Is the potato the laziest vegetable? Why not couch asparagus or couch carrot? Does anyone know?

Back to my point....
To try and change my ways I kept erasing what I wrote and writing in different colors thinking this will make me look at it. It did work for awhile until I forgot about it again. I recently thought of a clever, simple solution. I put a check box next to all my 'to do' list items. When I accomplished something I could check it off instead of erasing it like I was doing. Seeing what I accomplished helped a lot and gave me a sense of satisfaction.

If you don't have a white board you can use index cards or one piece of paper that you carry everywhere. Don't use several scraps of paper, that's just stupid.Do your most unpleasant tasks first thing. Otherwise, they will occupy your mind most of the day and you won't be productive. I know this from experience, you end up putting it off and you tell yourself 'I'll do it tomorrow.' This brilliant idea never works out.

Create your 'to do' list today, it could change your life. That sounded cheesy. How about stop fucking procrastinating and just do something productive already, you lazy bastard!! Too harsh? Hmmmm....... Do whatever you want, I don't care what you do. That works.

Expect Shit

Nothing is 100% in life, anything can happen and probably will according to Murphy's Law: whatever can go wrong will go wrong. I have learned that everyday 50% of the things you do or plan will go wrong. You have to expect shit to happen in your life. You have to plan for things to go wrong so that when they do you are not surprised. I'm not saying to want things to go wrong but life is always throwing us curve balls and most of the time the sun is in our eyes. AND stop worrying about everything, that is going to get you nowhere. Worrying does not solve anything, it's like trying to solve a math problem by chewing bubble gum and it probably causes cancer.

If you expect and plan for obstacles in your life then it will be that much easier to conquer them. No one said life was easy and if they did well then they are an asshole. Life sucks and you have to make the most of it with the time you have. You can take this as advice or some sort of life lesson, frankly I don't care. I am just trying to educate the world one post at a time. I actually have no idea where I'm heading with this, I had a good idea and I hoped that it would lead somewhere as I typed but I'm drawing a blank. Give me a second..........

If I was to offer you one piece of advice it would be to wear sunscreen.

I have a dream....

So it’s about four in the morning, I’m kind of tired but I don’t want to go to bed and I’m bored. I usually stay up until 6am watching movies because that’s what I do. I can’t even blog this correctly because the internet is not working so I’m writing this on Mircrosoft Word. What’s even funnier is that we still have dial-up, I know who still uses that, it’s like having a pager (unless you’re a doctor) and believe me it’s a freaking pain the ass. Unfortunately I live in east bumblefuck where apparently internet companies scarcely install good connections, so dial-up is the best we can do. I would do some channel surfing but I’m currently recording Blindness and the tv doesn’t let you change the channel, it has to stay on the channel you are recording. I hope the movie is worth my boredom.

Any who I wanted to give some advice or share my thoughts or some crap like that. I have something called a Dream Book sort of like a journal/diary I guess where I write down….well my dreams. I jot down things I want to accomplish in my life and stuff I would like to do or to learn. For example my last entry dated 8/04/09 was “go on a game show”, I’ve always had a dream to be on The Price is Right, Bob Barker is my hero. Not so much now though since Drew Carey took over, it’s not the same without Bob. Anyway I don’t know if I’m ever going to be on a game show but It’s fun to think about.
I picked up this idea at my last sales job back in 2006 and it helps keep my thoughts down on paper. I have serious stuff in there like owning my own home and silly stuff like having enough extra cash to buy a pony. I don’t even know what the hell I would do with a pony if I actually got one, I guess just to say that I have one. I read all my entries all over again every so often to keep me on track with my goals. If I actually accomplish a goal I go back to that entry and write down the date and mark it as done. Come to think of it there aren’t a lot of things I have accomplished in that thing, I should probably get off my ass, stop blogging and do something productive……..naaahhhh.

The last thing I sort of succeeded in doing was learning how to juggle, you never know when you need to entertain a 7 year old. I haven’t mastered it yet but I got the gist of it. I saw a juggling kit at the mall last year for $8 and I had just wrote it in my book so I was like what the hell. I practiced here and there until I could do it consistently, I believe my record is 28 consecutive balls in the air….. I’m still working on it. I put my application in with Barnum and Bailey, I’m keeping my fingers crossed.

Believe it or not a lot of stuff you think of to do and you don’t put on paper, you forget. I’ve read my book over several times and there is always something that I forgot I put in there. Now if you don’t have any goals or aspirations in life then this probably is useless to you and you should probably throw yourself out a window for being a waste of life. To make it more fun I cut out pictures out of magazines and glue them in for visual effect. Some of them I forgot to date and was like when in the hell did I write this? It’s tough to reach your goals if you are not always looking at them. It’s not truly a goal unless you put it in ink because then you can always change it to meet what you are doing. It’s okay if you don’t reach your goal but it’s bad if you don’t have one to reach at all. It kind of sounds like I know what I’m talking about, I’m just as surprised as you are. I’d write a book but I’m just stealing ideas other people have taught me.

The point of all this is you need to be working towards something or do you really want to being working at Walmart the rest of your life? I love Walmart but I don’t want to work there (sorry if you do, my bad.) Life is too short to waste it on pointless shit, get out there and make things happen for yourself. Stop surfing the internet for free porn and do something with your life and put your pants on for pete’s sake!! Well if you learned anything from my ranting that’s good enough for me and if anyone knows Bob Barker tell him to call me so we can talk about dropping the restraining order.

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