Behind the scenes at Abe Lincoln's house

What if Abe Lincoln and his wife Mary Todd had a fight before they went to Ford's Theater? This is how I imagined it would have went a few hours before...

Abe: We are not going to that stupid play!

Mary Todd: Oh yes we are!

Abe: I'm the President.

Mary Todd: I don't give a rat's ass who you are, you promised a few weeks ago that we could go.

Abe: I was banking on you not remembering. I would much rather alphabetize my stamp collection.

Mary Todd: I am a woman, I remember things that aren't important to you. Besides John and Nancy saw it last week and they said Jesus and his technicolor dreamcoat is amazing.

Abe: John would say that, he's fancy boy.

Mary Todd: What do you mean by that?

Abe: You know, he drives his carriage on the other side of the road. He butters his bread with the other hand. He sits when he pees. 

Mary Todd: You are not making any sense to me.

Abe: Do I need to spell it out?!? He's gay!

Mary Todd: You don't know what you are talking about. You know what's gay? That stovepipe hat you wear all the time.

Abe: Everybody loves this hat!!

Mary Todd: Yeah, especially dudes that suck dick!

Abe: Mary Todd!! Such language, where did you learn to speak that way?

Mary Todd: Your mom.

Abe: Don't be talkin' about my momma!

Mary Todd: You are going to the play if I have to drag you there. Martha and Tom are meeting us there. We can't stand them up again.

Abe: I don't even like Tom. He always smells like cherry cough drops.

Mary Todd: Oh quit your fucking whining. I can't take you anywhere without you whining. You think you would grow some balls after becoming President. 

Abe: I don't know what has gotten in to you tonight but I don't like it. 

Mary Todd: Well, just stop being a bitch.

Abe: I am not being a bitch. I'm just tired and I have diarrhea. 

Mary Todd: Take and quick nap and drink some Imodium. 

Abe: I guess that might help. Do you really think my hat is gay?

Mary Todd: Most people do, they are just being nice because you are President of the United States. 

Abe: Who specifically said it was gay?

Mary Todd: Most of the women in my quilting circle, George at the bakery, Seamus at the farm supply store and old man Wilson that sits outside the Church all the time.

Abe: Old man Wilson, really? The other day he said it made me look quite dignified. 

Mary Todd: He lied. Maybe it is time to find a new hat. Enough talk about your hat. Go take a quick nap and I will wake you up for dinner. Then we are going to the play. 

Abe: I would rather put a gun to my head than go see that play. 

Mary Todd: I can make it happen, don't test me. 

Abe: Bullshit. 

Mary Todd: Mmmhmmm