Q&A with a Special Guest

We have a special guest on the show today. Welcome to 'Just the Cheese' none other than the Pillsbury Doughboy. He is here to just hang out and answer questions from the audience. Before the show everyone in the audience was given a blank index card to write one question that they wanted to ask Mr. Doughboy. I will randomly pick them one at a time from this oversize sombrero. I will have the person that wrote the question come down and ask it directly to Mr. Doughboy.

PTM: Are you ready Pillsbury Doughboy?

Pillsbury Doughboy: Like a diabetic in a game of arm-darts!

PTM: Would you mind if I called you PD for short?

Pillsbury Doughboy: If we're going to be chummy, I'd prefer HotBlast GooMan.

PTM: Are you ready audience?

Audience: YEAH!!

PTM: Here we go. The first question is from Claudia Gaynes. (An old woman probably in her 80's slowly comes down with a walker) Any day now lady, we only have an hour show.

Claudia: Mr. Doughboy, does your mother know that you are a nudist?

PD: She still lives in the old country (Germany), so anything outside of genocide, tourism and alcohol abuse is alien to her. I'm not even sure they have a word for nudity/nudism: they'd probably think you were talking about some misanthropic philosopher or a way to groom flowers.

PTM: Wow tough first question. Let's see who is next. Gary Shiffing, come one down. (A portly man with a hot dog in his hand comes down) Where did you get that hot dog?

Gary: I brought it from home. Mr. Doughman, who is your favorite muppet and why?

PD: Justin Bieber. His hair is...uh...very absorbent. (Looks around awkwardly...) Do you have a cigarette?

PTM: A strange question coming from a man who brought his own lunch. The next question goes to Agnes Yurkelvoss. (An older woman wearing too much makeup comes down) I'm glad I didn't have a name like that growing up, ouch.

Agnes: It was my grandmother's name passed down you bastard. PD, is it true that you stole your delicious croissant recipe from Betty Crocker?

PD: Horseshit! That two bit hustling sack of waste stalked me for months, harassing my friends, sleeping outside my house, eating things off my floor! until I agreed to give her brother-in-law a job in one of our factories as a compromise. (Mumbles to self...) When will I be free from that sick woman's mind?

PTM: Oooh scandalous. Mitchell Stork, you are the next contestant on The Price is.... wait wrong show. Come down anyway. (A boy who looks to be about 6 or 6 1/2 holding a rubber duckie runs downs to the stage) I think we have a lost child.

Mitchell: (runs straight to PD and gives him a big hug) Oh my god, it's really you!! I love your cinnamon rolls!! Did you bring any with you, did ya?

PD: What?! No! Take your filthy, booger-picking, midget, neglected hands off me! I should throw up in your mouth! (High-pitched) Woo-hoom!

PTM: Security, please find this kid's parents or guardians. Who let's their kid come to this kind of show? Mary Rose Adams you have the next question. (Silence in the audience) Mary Rose Adams, are you here? (Every one looks around) Does anybody know sign language? Maybe she is deaf.  (Nobody speaks up) I guess I will have to read her question for her. Pillsbury Doughboy, who do you think would win in a fight, you or Powdered Toast Man? Ha this is an easy question. I could kick the snot out of this pile of dough.

PD: Don't flatter yourself, chump. I might look soft and pudgy, but beneath this shapeless form I'm all man. I could pound you  into moth poop. (Stares determinedly at PTM for several moments...)

PTM: And the next question goes to Peter Puleski.... Peter, you are the cameraman. How many times do I have to tell you that you can't participate in the show? You have to work the camera. Furthermore, this question doesn't even make sense. Why would he know where your bowling ball is? Get back to work!!

Peter: Sorry, I've asked everyone I know so I took a shot in the dark. I don't know where that ball could be. 

PTM: Have you checked your trunk?

Peter: Uhh No. I'll be right back. (Peter runs out the exit)

PTM: Stop!! Who is going to work the camera?!?! Someone remind me to fire him after the show. Enough of these shenanigans We have time for one final question. William Clinton, come ask your question. (Former President Bill Clinton graciously walks down to the stage) Oh my god, Mr. President, welcome to the show. I'm speechless. (Bill puts out his hand, PTM just stares at it for a second) Nice to meet you sir. You have a question for the Pillsbury Doughboy?

Bill Clinton: Yes I do. Mr. Doughboy, did you have sexual relations with that woman?

PD: Well, I can say this much: I know at least one place Peter hasn't looked for his bowling ball....

PTM: Wowzer!! I have a more personal question to ask Mr. Doughboy so I will save it for after the show when we can have some privacy. Well that is our show. I would like to thank the Pillsbury Doughboy for stopping by and answering some pertinent questions. Join us next time when we will have another special guest stop by and entertain us. I am going to help Peter look for his bowling ball.

I would to thank my friend Rich for playing the part of the Pillsbury Doughboy. His answers were raunchy and disturbing. I would send you to his blog but he doesn't have one. He isn't one of the cool kids yet.