Inside the Actor's Studio: Chewbacca

Once again I am commandeering Inside the Actor's Studio from James Lipton. I have a guest that has never been interviewed before today and somehow I have gotten him to agree to sit down with me. Here in the studio today is the beloved Wookie from the Star Wars Universe. Let's give a big round of applause for Chewbacca.

PTM (Powdered Toast Man): Thank you Chewy for joining us. I am so happy I can be the first person to interview you. I was informed by your agent before the show that you actually speak English and that you are contractually obligated to speak Shyriiwook in any Star Wars production. 

Chewbacca: I actually speak French, Spanish, German, and Italian in the movies, but with my thick Shyriiwook accent, it all comes out as gurgling growls.

PTM: That is a damn shame. I have so many questions for you I don't know where to start.

Chewbacca: How about you start a long time ago…

PTM: Did George Lucas put you up to that joke? Hey, how old are you?

Chewbacca: In dog years I’m five hundred and twenty.

PTM: You are still younger than my grandma. What is your last name?

Chewbacca: Smith. I come from a long line of Smithies.

PTM: My guess is you were adopted and they never told you. What is your favorite cereal?

Chewbacca: I don’t know. No matter what I eat, it’s so matted with Wookie hair I can’t tell.

PTM: Hold on, my producers are telling me that these are some lame ass questions and I need to get down to the nitty gritty. I was working my way up to it but what the hell. You spent a lot of time around Princess Leia, did you tap that ass?

Chewbacca: The Millennium Falcon furry and plushie parties can get really crazy, so it’s possible.

PTM: So do you go as yourself or do you dress up as a furry even though you are furry? Never mind, we don't have time for all the details. I've always thought Han was kind of a dick. How do you really feel about Han Solo?

Chewbacca: Solo’s great. Now that Harrison Ford guy – total a-hole.

PTM: Probably because his last name is Ford. By the way I love Chevrolet. What is Jar Jar Binks doing nowadays?

Chewbacca: Porn. He’s finally putting that long tongue to good use.

PTM: He?!?! I always thought Jar Jar was a chick! Now I don't feel weird about all those dreams I had. There was a rumor going around that you had a gang bang with some of the Ewoks. I heard it from C-3PO. Is that at all true?

Chewbacca: Have you watched any of the movies? Nothing on an Ewok actually moves.

PTM: So it is more like necrophilia. What do you keep in your bandolier?

Chewbacca: My Pez stash.

PTM: That is an awful lot of Pez. I would love to be in a Star Wars movie or tv series. I have written many letters and sent numerous emails to George Lucas with no response. Is there any way you could put in a good word for me? I'm not looking for a big part. Maybe just one line like, "It's a trap!"

Chewbacca: I don’t think so – Solo told me you were a dick.

PTM: You run over a man's cat one time and he never gets over it. How do the bathrooms work on those space ships? Does the poop just get sucked out into space? Are there just tons of turds floating around in space?

Chewbacca: Those aren’t asteroids, buddy!

PTM: That's some cold shit. Who do you think is hotter, Lindsay Lohan in Mean Girls or Megan Fox in Transformers?

Chewbacca: I actually prefer Harry from Harry and the Hendersons.

PTM: Nice choice. He's an old friend, I will set that up for you. Hold on, I am getting word from my producers that your wife is going into labor!! Holy shit! You better get the hell out of here. 

Chewbacca: Just what I need – another Lumpy. That kid’s so disappointing…

PTM: Dammit, this chair is covered with hair. I better get it cleaned before I have Betty White on. She is extremely allergic to Wookie. 

I would like to thank Alex from Alex J Cavanaugh for playing the part of Chewbacca. You did a bang up job. We should do this again sometime. I will have my people call your people.