Dad Jokes

It's Monday so here are some corny jokes to get you through the day.



Q: Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel Prize?

A: Because he was outstanding in his field.




Q: What does an educated owl say?

A: Whom.



Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

A: Cuz if they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.

Chewbacca's Bandolier: Hidden Treasure

Recently I interviewed Chewbacca and got down to the nitty gritty. My question that always tumbled around in my head is what is in his bandolier? He told me it was for his Pez stash but I didn't believe it for a second. While he was taking a shower in the dressing room I opened up the bandolier to see what was inside. This is what I found:

Expired condoms, size extra wide

13 passion fruit lip balms

About 50 bobby pins

Playing cards

Dominoes

Miniature Magic Eight Ball

Sewing kit with only yellow thread

Matchstick boxes filled with white rice

A  mouse skeleton

A recipe for sweet & sour meatballs

Tampons, size medium 

3 Game Gear cartridges, Sonic the Hedgehog, Madden '95 and Mortal Kombat

Travel size floss, tooth paste, shampoo and conditioner

Chinese finger traps

Blue jellybeans

Bird seed

Richard Nixon Pez dispenser

Werther's Originals

Polaroid picture of Han Solo dressed as Batman

Tweezers

All the player pieces to Monopoly

Live frog

Stick on tattoos

Keys to a 1987 Toyota Camry

Soy sauce packets from different Chinese food restaurants

His baby teeth

The Muppets Dark Secrets Revealed

Ever wonder if The Muppets had any deep, dark secrets? Well they do and I got each of them to spill the beans. I had to bribe each of them except for Fozzie Bear, he just told me without me asking him anything.

Kermit the Frog: Once ate frog legs thinking they were chicken and went back for seconds.

Miss Piggy: Has had three abortions.

Fozzie Bear: Buys his stand-up jokes online.

Gonzo: Has maxed out all his credit cards playing online poker.

Rowlf the Dog: Has had love affairs with five different cats.

Rizzo the Rat: Ate two of his siblings when he was only a few months old.

Scooter: Had sex with a male prostitute.

Statler & Waldorg: Watch the movie Clueless every night before bed.

The Swedish Chef: Is not Swedish at all. Mostly German, Scottish and Portuguese.

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: Has cloned Beaker.

Beaker: Is the clone and murdered the original Beaker.

Janice: Has been sprinkling speed onto Animal's cereal for 20 years.

Animal: Has written and published ten children's book anonymously.

Sam the Eagle: Was involved in a hit & run. Doesn't know if the man is alive.

Pepe the King Prawn: Is addicted to stealing spoons from restaurants.

Bobo the Bear: Voted for Trump.

Camila the Chicken: Has always felt she was born a turkey in a chicken's body.

Without using the letter 'E' - Revisited

Disclaimer: I attempted to write this post back in 2010. I thought I didn't use any E's but alas a fellow blogger found 3 of them. I tinkered around with it again and believe the rest of this post does not contain the letter E. I had to use a thesaurus to find other words. The post is a bit odd and you may find it difficult to make sense of it, that is okay. Maybe read it over twice to make sure there are no E's. A few things have changed since the original post. I have a son now but his name is Ryan. I do own blu-ray players and movies.My wife also got me Darkwing Duck DVD's for Christmas one year. This will all make sense soon. Without further ado....

***************************

I thought about writing this post on many occasions. It is difficult to brainstorm an original thought without applying that unambiguous symbol. Try it right now, think of any formation of words without that symbol. Hard, right? Now, think how hard it would occur to construct a thorough and continuous post without that symbol. I was having author's block during my brainstorming about this post. It should contain humor, random thoughts, originality, thought provoking topic, a post to talk about at an H20 apparatus and damn right phantasmagorical. I am thinking about what to concoct as I push all sorts of symbols on this plastic pad of random marks and symbols.

How about a quick nostalgic analysis?

DARKWING DUCK

I had a fancy for Darkwing Duck . That cartoon IS kick-ass. It's first affair was back in that 9th month of 1991. It ran for four minus uno occasions, from '91 to '93. Go on you know you want to sing that Darkwing song. Put your arm up high if you would want Launchpad McQuack as your trusty crony. I spot with my orbitals that most of you do. I am going to call my first son Lauchpad. What a fantastic monogram. My son would automatically turn into a pilot with that tag. I want a job as Darkwing Duck. That duck has loads of fun. I wish to own DVD's of that cartoon. My b-day is July 14th if anybody is blurry on what to buy P-Toast Man. I am not on a blu-ray wagon up to now, so only mail DVD's to my location. Who was Darkwing Duck? Did Darkwing hold similar blood with a distinct duck family? McDucks? How did Lauchpad go from that particular duck show, DuckSagas (wink wink) to Darkwing Duck? Did Launchpad attain a boot out? I fancy solutions and justification!! I miss old cartoons. Nowadays' cartoons do not stack up to particular toons of my youth. Cartoons kind of suck now. Mr. MoistPadBob StraightRhombusPants has an omission from said dumb cartoons of nowadays.

Okay that is all I got for this post. It was difficult and took a long duration. But it was fun. I might try it again. If you find any of that symbol I could not apply, point it out to muah. I await your input.

What you long to catch with your audio organs...

Street Fighter II: Meeting with Human Resources

Ken from the Street Fighter II video game gets called down to Human Resources for a meeting. Here is how that meeting went.



 Human Resources Supervisor Glenn: Ken, thank you for meeting with me today. I will get straight to the point. We have had several complaints about you. E. Honda claims you have been clogging up his toilet. Guile said you keep prank calling him. Blanka said something but I can never understand what that dude is saying. I'm here to see if  all these allegations are true. I decided to review your file. I found out that you possess the same abilities as Ryu. He has the Hadoken, Shoryuken and Hurricane Kick and so do you. Are you just copying all of his moves?

Ken: Well, yeah, he said it was okay.

Glenn: Oh, well then that clears up everything.

Ken: Phew! Can I go then?

Glenn: Not just yet. Let me just call Ryu to confirm what you said. Picks up the phone. Hello, Ryu. It is Glenn from HR. I just have one question for you. Did you say it was okay for Ken to copy all of your moves? Oh, I see. Is that right? Very interesting. Thank you for your help. Enjoy your lunch. Well, Ken, according to Ryu he didn't give you any such permission. He said he has asked you repeatedly to stop stealing his moves. Anything you care to say?

Ken: Ryu is a fucking liar! He just knows I can perform those moves better than him.  Who are you going to believe?

Glenn: Please resist the use of profanity when you are in my office. Ryu has been with us for years and we have never had any issues. You joined us only two months ago and already there are several issues. That call to Ryu was just a formality. I already knew the answer, I just wanted to see your reaction. I did some digging on you. I found out that no one actually hired you. How did you get to be on the Street Fighter team?

Ken: What are you talking about? Steve hired me.

Glenn: We do not have any one named Steve that works here.

Ken: Did I say Steve, I meant Sal.

Glenn: Ummm, who?

Ken: Sally, it was Sally.

Glenn: Is this a joke? I'm not amused.

Ken: Just stares blankly with mouth agape.

Glenn: Well, explain yourself!!

Ken: Starts to cry. I'm a fraud. I don't belong here. I have been hiding from my girlfriend Barbie. She's crazy. I only meant to stay for a couple of days but it is so cool here. Starts sobbing uncontrollably.

Glenn: Hold it together man. Show some dignity.

Ken: Sorry, sorry,  I'm so ashamed of myself.

Glenn: So why are you hiding from your girlfriend?

Ken: I slept with her sister Skipper.

Glenn: That is fucked up. Was she at least hot?

Ken: Ohh yeah. But she is crazy too. I can't go back. Can I stay? Pleeeeeease?

Glenn: Fine, just stop crying. You are embarrassing yourself. You can stay but you have to come up with your own moves and you have to apologize to E. Honda, Guile, Blanka and especially Ryu. You better get on your hand and knees for that one.

Ken: Thank you, thank you. You won't regret it.

Glenn. I am already regretting it. Do you have anything else to add before you leave?

Ken: Yeah, what is Chun- Li's story?

Thoughts of Michael Myers

Halloween is almost around the corner. so I thought I would have a pre-holiday post. I wrote this post up last year but never published it. If you don't know who Michael Myers is then you should rent any of the Halloween films and come back ASAP. Here are the Thoughts of Michael Myers while hiding in a closet waiting to kill someone.

• I shouldn't have eaten two bean burritos for lunch.

• 'In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion....'

• Where the fuck is this bitch? I've been in here for 20 minutes.

• Was it Bill Paxton or Bill Pullman in Twister?

• I think I forgot to brush my teeth this morning.

• I should have peed before I came in here.

• I don't care what everybody is saying, I think Trump is doing the best he can.

• Freddy vs. Jason, that was bullshit, my agent sucks.

• Shit, I left my knife in the bathroom.

• I should really kill the Kardashians now, it's time.

• The license plate that I saw read 'VMAQ2PLB.' Now what does that mean?

• Is the McRib out now? I finally need to try one of those things.

• Do I need milk? Dammit, I always forget to check.

Doritos Flavors

I have always been a big fan of Doritos. I used to eat them a lot in my younger days. I don't eat much junk food now though. I was always super excited when they came out with a new flavor. They have had over 140 flavors since being introduced back in the 1960's. Some great and terrible flavors have come and gone. Does any one remember Sonic Sour Cream? That one was so cheesy. I still don't know why they got rid of it. I wish I was in charge of picking the flavors. Here are some flavors I would like to see happen.

Spinach and Artichoke Dip

Honey Mustard

Blooming Onion

General Tso's Chicken

Peanut Butter & Jelly

Buttered Corn on the Cob

Caesar Salad

Sour Patch Kids

Big Mac

Garlic Mashed Potatoes

Waffles and Maple Syrup

Spicy Garlic

BBQ Mac 'n' Cheese

Grilled Cheese

Lucky Charms

Wasabi & Soy Sauce

Cinnamon & Sugar

BBQ Pulled Pork

Deviled Egg

Salt & Pepper

Pork Fried Rice

Pineapple, Mango & Lime

Swiss Onion

Corn Pops

Roasted Red Pepper Hummus

Which of my flavors would you like to see? Can you think up any of your own that have yet to be created? My mouth is watering now. Click here for a list of past and current flavors.