Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Inside the Actor's Studio

Hello everyone!! Once again I am filling in for James Lipton. That man gets sick or goes on vacation a lot. What's that? The producer is trying to tell me something. Mr. Lipton is not on vacation, he is having surgery. What kind of surgery? He is getting his webbed feet unwebbed. I am sorry that I asked. I am now going to have nightmares about this. Let's move on before I start vomiting. Our guest today is a very recognizable TV Spokesman. Let's all welcome the Travelocity Gnome.

PTM: Welcome to the program. Is there a nickname I can call you? Travelocity Gnome is a lot to say.

Travelocity Gnome: My crew calls me T-Dog.

PTM: Ummm, I would rather not call you that. How about TG?

Travelocity Gnome: I guess that is all right. Can I call you PTM?

PTM: Everyone else does, go ahead. So my first question is a little personal. How is it that when you speak your mouth or lips don't move?

TG: Well you see I learned when I was very young that my inner monologue is so loud that I never have to open my mouth to speak.

PTM: That is fascinating. Have you ever thought of becoming a ventriloquist?

TG: I have an unnatural fear of puppets. I have at least one nightmare a week about one of the muppets trying to kill me, it's usually Kermit or Beaker.

PTM: That is a tough thing to live with. I am going to move on since I am not a licensed psychiatrist. Do you enjoy travelling all over the world for free?

TG: You actually think I travel all over the world for free? Those destinations in the commercials aren't real. There's a green scene and lots of back drops. PTM, you are so naive.

PTM: Well I just assumed you traveled. I feel like a dumb-ass. Fucking James Lipton and his webbed feet.

TG: Let me ask you a question. How are you qualified for this job? Did you do any research before you came up with your questions?

PTM: I get the call the last minute to fill in for Mr. Lipton. Someone else does the research for me. Who do you thing you are?

TG: Sorry PTM, I got a little worked up. I have been very tense and irritable lately. I just found out a few days ago that my wife was cheating on me with William Shatner.

PTM: Ouch, the Priceline negotiator. That must of stung twice as bad?

TG: It did. I don't fully understand it. The man is 80 years old, how is he still getting it up? I am freaking made of wood!! TG starts to cry uncontrollably

PTM: Pull yourself together man, you are on national television. Listen I know a guy that can take care of Mr. Shatner and your wife if that is what you want.

TG: You would do that for me?

PTM: Sure, we are pals now. Just say the word and Bill Shatner will be sleeping with the fishes.

TG: You know I never understood that line. Fish is already plural like deer. You wouldn't say he will be running with the deers.

PTM: That is an excellent question. And why is Colonel spelled and pronounced the way it is? There is an R sound, why is there an L there?

TG: And why does cargo go by ship and shipment go by car?

PTM: I think we have gotten off track. We have much more to talk about TG. Wait, the producer is now telling me we are out of time. Thanks for being here TG. Talk to me after the show about that thing. Thanks for joining us. Hopefully James Lipton will make a quick recovery.


Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Sleeping with Shatner - hilarious!

Al Penwasser said...

Lipton. I love his tea.

Shockgrubz said...

I hope Lipton has a case of never-come-back-to-work-itis, because these are too good.

Baby Sister said...

English can be such a strange language... said...

He raises a good question about cargo and shipment. I was waiting for your answer. I'm also still waiting for the chocolate treats. Did you sent them by ship or car?


Pat Tillett said...

There's a man out there on the wing. I realize what this sounds like. Do I look insane?