'Just the Cheese'

Humperdink

2012-01-23T22:32:00.001-05:00

So getting back into blogging is harder than I thought. All the creative juices I had months ago have apparently dried up. I'm debating on whether to get some on the black market or not. I know a guy who knows a guy who works with a guy that can get me the good stuff. I have all these drafts, each with a great topic but I just look at them and nothing springs to mind. I don't think I have writer's block, I think I have been just been away too long. A lot of my ideas were in my head and I didn't write them down and now they might be lost forever. I have only been able to muster up one measly post since we began the new year. I am behind on my blog goals. There has to be some inspiration in here somewhere, under the bed perhaps? Nope, only missing socks and half eaten crackers. Actually there are only socks under there now, a little stale but still edible. I feel like I'm disappointing everyone in the blogosphere. I said I was back and I haven't done anything to prove it. Time to get back to the drawing board! Dammit, that's my problem, I was using a drawing board and not a computer. No time to look at porn, I got work to do.

P.S. I came up with the title of this post afterwards and it was the first word that came to mind. I have no idea where it came from.

Thoughts of a newborn baby

2012-01-11T07:00:00.001-05:00

What a newborn baby might be thinking or trying to say:

- Whoa, was it slimy in there. Wipe this crap off of me.

- I'm starving, can you direct me to the nearest nipple?

- Can you smell that?

- Excuse me, when do I get my balls?

- I was so bored for the last nine months, you have no idea.

- Thank you, I've had to burp for the past hour.

- Should I tell him that I'm onto this peek-a-boo game and I know he's not disappearing?

- I think I sprung a leak down here.

- If you were sitting in your own shit for the past 4 hours, you would be crying too.

- I'm not sure why you put shoes on my feet, I can't even walk.

- I love boobies.

- Hey mom, daddy and the babysitter were wrestling again today.

- I hate Dr. Phil.

-

Who missed me?

2012-01-06T07:00:00.002-05:00

School is over!! I can finally get back to blogging. I feel so lost without it in my life. I have no idea where I left off or what I was thinking about four month ago. I got to get back to the drawing board. I have so much creative juice running through my veins. It is overwhelming to think about what I want to write about. I need a secretary or assistant. Any one need a job? I can pay you in jelly beans. Good ones too, I have Jelly Belly's. Ok, I think that is all I can say right now, my brain is about to explode. Come back next week for the start of a great JTC year.

FYI and all that stuff

2011-12-01T10:54:00.000-05:00

School is almost over, only a couple of weeks left. After that I can get back to my regular blogging hours. I haven't posted anything significant in over two months. I was on a roll for awhile with ideas. 2012 will be filled with good blogging times. Keep PTM in the back of your mind. See ya soon.

Dear Blogosphere,

2011-10-24T07:05:00.000-04:00

I do apologize for my lack of posting and commenting. I meant to take off a week and it kind of snowballed. I am busy with school and work so it is tough to find free time to blog. I haven't forgotten about my duties here at JTC. I will try to write up some things this week but I can't make any promises. I will leave you with a joke.

Why did the lollipop cross the road?

Because it was stuck to the chicken.

Q & A

2011-10-05T07:00:00.001-04:00

Here are some fun questions to answer. Just leave your responses in a comment so others can read your creativity.

1) What would your stripper/stage name be?

2) What is the most ridiculous name you have heard someone call the female or male genitalia?

3) If you could get away with killing one celebrity, who would it be and why?

4) If you could create your own holiday, what would it be called and what would it be about?

I will post my answers on Thursday or Friday.

Lame Joke of the Day

2011-09-23T07:00:00.000-04:00

A rope walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "we don't serve ropes here, you will have to leave." The rope goes outside, ties himself in a knot and frays both ends of himself. He re-enters the bar and orders a drink again. The bartender says, "didn't you just hear what I said, we don't serve ropes here." The rope replies, "I'm afraid not." (I'm a frayed knot)

Get off the phone!!

2011-09-21T07:00:00.001-04:00

I haven't ranted in awhile and I do love some good old fashioned ranting like my great grandma used to do. Okay, I have no idea if my great grandma ranted a lot, I might be lying, please don't hold me to it. Most of my rants are about how annoying or frustrating people are, especially while driving but this rant isn't about driving. I could rant everyday on people's inability to drive. Don't get me started.

I think technology has taken over our lives. I think cell phones especially have taken control of people. I have to admit that I am addicted to my cell phone from time to time, mostly playing word games. What bothers the crap out of me is when people walk and use their cell phones, whether it be texting or playing a game, talking on their cell and walking doesn't bother me as much. People who text and walk should be beaten with a pillow case full of bars of soap. Either these idiots walk to slow or have no idea where they are walking. How about you pull over to the edge of the sidewalk or walkway and do whatever you need to do on your phone. I even saw people walking and texting in the rain, really people? You can't even be off your phone in the rain?
It is mostly on school campus that I run into this annoyance. Damn young people have no respect.

While I am on the subject of young college students, I would also like these kids to learn some sidewalk etiquette. It is sort of like driving a car, you are suppose to stay to the right (if you live in the U.S.). You don't walk on the left side and you don't walk with a group side to side taking up the whole damn walkway. I would really like to punch one of these kids in the face. Who taught these kids the rules anyway? I think I just hate large groups of people because somehow or another they always are in my way. I will have to invest in a Segway so I can run them over.

Worst Movies Ever Blogfest

2011-09-19T03:00:00.001-04:00

Alex J. Cavanaugh is hosting yet another blogfest. I love it when the blogfest involves movies. This one was probably harder to make compared to the favorite movies blogfest. I try to stay clear of movies that I think are potentially going to be bad or I just plain forget about the bad ones. I am sure there are lots of movies I forgot about. These are the ones that popped into my head so that is what I am using. I will definitely see films I missed on other blogs. And not in a specific order, here is my list.

Freddy Got Fingered - I got this movie for Christmas one year from my mom for whatever reason. I watched it and immediately sold it to a store in the mall for $3.

Balls of Fury - I thought this movie would be similar to Dodgeball and have some humor in it but I don't think I laughed once. I have less respect for Christopher Walken and Robert Patrick now.

S. Darko - This is probably the worst sequel coming from a great movie I have ever seen. I love Donnie Darko but this sequel was worst than Casey Anthony's verdict.

I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer - This would be the straight to video third installment of the I Know What You Did Last Summer series. I am going to tell you who the killer is so you don't watch it. SPOILER ALERT!! The killer is the ghost of the original killer. Very terrible.

Charlies Angels: Full Throttle - I liked the first one because it was hot girls kicking ass but I couldn't even watch this whole movie. Did they win?

Tenacious D: Pick of Destiny - I love the band, I think they are hilarious but something went horribly wrong when making this flick. Why Jack Black, why?

Mission: Impossible 2 - As a stand alone movie this would probably be okay but when compared to the 1st and 3rd films it is pretty bad.

Lost in Space - Matt Le Blanc should stick to 90's sitcoms. Danger, Gary Oldman, Danger!!

Cabin Fever - Mmm flesh eating virus. Why wasn't Ben Savage co-starring with Rider Strong. I would of enjoyed the movie better.

DreamCatcher - I was very excited to see this movie when it came out. Then I saw it when it came out on DVD and immediately regretted my decision. Stephen King tricked me. I sent him a letter requesting a refund for my ticket. I never got a response.

Make sure you head over to Alex's blog to join in the fun and check out the other participants.

Barker Beauty Interview

2011-09-16T07:00:00.006-04:00

I'm not sure if it is publicly known but Bob Barker from the daytime game show The Price is Right was involved in many sexual harassment lawsuits with the women that he worked with. They were ironically called The Barker Beauties. The lawsuits were kept very hush-hush and not much information was known, until now. I have with me today one of Barker's Beauties who is going to sit down and do an exclusive first time interview with me here on 'Just the Cheese'. Please welcome to the stage Ivonna Bangkok.

PTM: I am so glad that you picked this blog to do your first interview on. I am truly honored. How are you feeling today?

Ivonna: Rich. Oh...please edit that out. Where is the buffet I was promised?

PTM: How long did you work on The Price is Right?

Ivonna: What? Oh that, hmmm....I'm not supposed to discuss it, but long enough to get a reputation.

PTM: What were some of the names that Bob called you?

Ivonna: God...as in Oh mostly, which is better then being referred to as a Barker. I'll tell you something that's not well known, everyone thinks we got called that because it's his name but it's actually more about his favorite position. And the fact that he liked us to bark when he was doing it. But please don't ask about the dog collar...although I think there might be pictures on a website somewhere.

PTM: Were you intimately involved with any of the other girls on the show?

Ivonna: Well yes, but then sometimes Bob needed a rest.

PTM: What do you think of these abs? (lifts up shirt and points at abs)

Ivonna: Are you doing anything later?

PTM: Would it be all right if I asked what your favorite sexual position is?

Ivonna: I like them all, but of course there is one that will always remind me of Bob. Would you like me to show you?

PTM: There was a rumor going around that Bob has a penile implant, can you comment on that?
Ivonna: Yes, the surgeon did a great job - you really wouldn't know it used to be a vagina.

PTM: Did Bob and Rod Roddy, may he rest in peace, ever gang up on you?

Ivonna: Only on public holidays....and once on my birthday.

PTM: Your son looks an awful lot like Bob, could he be the father?

Ivonna: I beg your pardon? I have a daughter.

PTM: You know, I have a jacuzzi in my dressing room. How about you meet me in there after the show? I'll bring the bubble bath.

Ivonna: As long as the price is right, just be sure and bring those abs.

PTM: Don't forget you signed that waiver before the show so you can't sue me for sexual harassment. I'm smarter than Bob. Last question then we are out of time. What is your favorite Price is Right game?

Ivonna: The ones the censors wouldn't let you see. And I'll be the one doing the harassment but don't be thinking you can sue me, it's not like I have any money. I spent it on these (lifts top and points at massive tits).
How much am I getting paid for doing this?

PTM: We can discuss that in the jacuzzi. That's all the time we have today. Thanks for watching and tune in next time when we will have Bob Barker to tell his side of the story. (looks at producer) What's that? We couldn't get Bob? The best we could do is Drew Carey? No, no, I will not stand for this. I will call Bob personally. Drew is a douche. See you next time folks.

I would like to thank Dirtycowgirl for playing the part of Ivonna. It was her first time guest posting on JTC and she did an awesome job. Anyone that goes and gives her some blog love will get a free T-shirt. Click HERE to visit Left Alone With A Full Moon.

In the Bedroom

2011-09-14T07:00:00.000-04:00

Awhile ago I did a post on the phenomenon of sleep kissing. If you are not familiar with it, I will explain. Sleep kissing is when you randomly wake up from sleep or a nap and starts kissing your partner. It usually feels different than regular kissing and is more passionate. A lot of the times I forget that I even did it until I wake up and think 'did I wake up and do that?' Sometimes sleep kissing leads to sleep groping but not that often. I am not telling you all this as a repost but more as a continuation of the first post.

I am here to tell you about a new phenomenon that just occurred the other night. I will call it sleep sex. The other night I woke up after only being asleep for an hour or so and started kissing Nicole. Normally I would just go back to sleep but for some reason it really turned me on and things just progressed without even thinking. It felt like I was half dreaming. It was very hot and sensual. That is the first time that sleep kissing has turned into sleep intercourse. I always thought it would and I was just waiting on it.

So do you sleep kiss or maybe even sleep sex?

Where Are They Now?

2011-09-12T07:00:00.000-04:00

This series accounts the lives and events of people that were once famous and now you don’t know what they are doing. I’m here to give you the lowdown.

I am here to tell you the whereabouts of the Maytag Repair Man. I am sure a lot of you are wandering what happened to that man. I am going to divulge some secrets about the Maytag Repair Man. He didn't know anything about how to fix a washer or dryer. He had no mechanical experience at all. He was just a face behind the name. Most people that needed service on their appliance just assumed that he would be the one to stop by their house. The actual repair man would have to lie and tell the customer that he was out on another service call.

The fact that he couldn't fix an appliance isn't his biggest secret. He was hiding something from the company for awhile that he just couldn't keep to himself any longer. He told them that he was a cross dresser and could no longer hide it from the world. He demanded that he be able to "be himself" in the commercials. He was still under contract and the company couldn't discriminate against his lifestyle so they shot the commercials with him dressed as a woman. The company told him that they would air the commercials after the old ones did their run. They ran one of the new commercials at 3 in the morning. They waited until his contract expired and then they fired him for some bullshit reason. He was devastated.

He tried looking for other spokesperson positions. He auditioned for the Chiquita banana lady, Welch's grape juice girl and one of Barker's beauties on The Price is Right. Nobody would hire him. He goes by the name Ruth and only dresses as a man when he attends church. He spends a lot of his money at Victoria's Secret. You might see his at your local Walmart if you look hard enough.

Cheesy Interview

2011-09-07T07:00:00.000-04:00

I have brought my very special blogger buddy here today to do a serious interview. Rawknrobyn of Life by Chocolate is going to share with us her thoughts and feelings about 'Just the Cheese'. I think we all want to know what she thinks about this blog and where it is headed. So please, turn off your tv, silence you pagers and put your kids down for a nap, this could get pretty intense.

PTM: Thank you Robyn for being here today. I know that you are a very busy lady.

Robyn: Sure thing. Actually I haven’t gotten busy--*wink, sigh and elbow nudge*-- in a long, long time. You’re looking pretty sexy in those Speedos. Do you always dress like that for the office? Hubba hubba!

PTM: Let's get right down to it. I'm going to ask you some real serious and perhaps controversial questions today. Each question will be tougher than the last. Are you up for the challenge?

Robyn: Honey, you’re the one who needs to be UP for it (unbuttoning her top shirt button, Robyn leans in closer to PTM). Give it to me, babe!

PTM: Great, my first question is, what is your favorite kind of cheese and why?

Robyn: double chocolate cheesecake with chocolate chips on a chocolate graham cracker crust drenched in chocolate syrup. I like it because it has no anchovies.

PTM: What is your least favorite kind of cheese and why?

Robyn: Swiss because it’s holy. I’m not such a holy gal. *Wink, wink.*

PTM: When you hear the name 'Just the Cheese', what is the first word that pops into your head?

Robyn: Do you need a private secretary? I’ll do the job for free.

PTM: What is your favorite thing about 'Just the Cheese'?

Robyn: (scanning PTM from head to toe) I like the whole package.

PTM: What thing do you like least about 'Just the Cheese'?

Robyn: (Distracted by PTM’s manliness, Robyn pushes a pencil from the desk onto the floor and it drops at her feet.) Oh I’m sorry. Will you please get closer and pick that up for me? I have back problems.

PTM: What is it about 'Just the Cheese' that kept you coming back?

Robyn: (unbuttoning another shirt button) It’s getting really hot in here! Did you say something?

PTM: Does JTC need some chocolate added to it?

Robyn: Well, let’s go off-stage and find out.

PTM: It's obvious that you are secretly in love with me. How does it make you feel knowing that I am taken?

Robyn: Great. I’m hopeful for a foursome - you two, me and Danny De Vito.

PTM: How many slices of cheese do you like on your sandwiches?

Robyn: It depends how many times I cut the cheese.

PTM: Does it bother you that the Trix Rabbit never gets the cereal?

Robyn: Nah. He’s got connections. I’ve seen him at parties all hopped up on Cocoa Puffs. That hare brain!

PTM: Unfortunately that is all the time we have. Join us next time when we will have, um, somebody else on the show. Robyn, let me show you that thing I was telling you about before, it's in my dressing room. (PTM escorts Robyn backstage with what looks like a roll of quarters in his pocket).

I would like to thank RawknRobyn for playing the part of herself. She did a phenomenal job as usual. I always love having her on as a special guest. Don't forget to head over to her blog and give her some love. Tell her I sent you (I get one cookie for each person I send over).

My Bucket List

2011-09-05T04:00:00.000-04:00

I decided to set my goals pretty low on my bucket list. It's the under achiever in me that put this on paper.

Eat a whole carton of ice cream
Win a prize out of the claw machine game
Watch all three extended editions of The Lord of the Rings Trilogy in a row
Do an entire crossword puzzle by myself without cheating
Win a staring contest
Donate sperm
Attempt (but not set) a Guinness World Record
Meet Bob Barker
Pet a giraffe
Eat a bug
Fly a kite in a thunderstorm
Watch someone slip on a banana peel
Inherit a super power
Try some heroin
Get 100 Hula Hoop revolutions
Beat Yo! Noid video game for Nintendo
Build a four story card house
Pickpocket a complete stranger
Reverse pickpocket a gang member
Become a judge on The Miss America Pageant
Run a 1/4 of a marathon
Be the first person to purchase a 4D Television (when available)
Read an entire book, cover to cover
See if the toilets and sinks south of the equator drain clockwise
Grow a beard

For Your Information and Yours Too

2011-08-31T07:00:00.001-04:00

As you may have noticed JTC got some minor cosmetic surgery. I changed a few fonts, updated PTM's profile, changed the description and added some tabs. All the 'Weird Laws' posts that I have done are under the Weird Laws tab. The 'Where Are They Now?' tab has the two posts that I have done with that subject. I plan to do more and I will add them on there when I do. I know how all of you love the Weird Laws so now you can easily access the ones you didn't read and leave comments (because you like me).

I like the background to much to change it. I hadn't changed anything on here in awhile so I thought it needed some sprucing up. I really like the font I picked for the header. It is called cherry cream soda or something weird like that. I recently deleted my entire blog roll and started from scratch. I had every blog I followed on that roll but a lot of those blogs didn't exist anymore or were moved to another blog. Don't be offended if you aren't on the list. I only started with the blogs that I frequently visit. Your blog could be up there next.

In other news, I will be starting school again next week. It came up out of nowhere. I have five more classes to take then I can graduate with an Associates Degree in Marketing then on to some other school, I don't know where yet. What does this mean for you? Unfortunately homework and school comes first so I will have less time for blogging. I will most likely be posting less frequently and reading your blogs less. This doesn't mean that I don't love you anymore but PTM needs priorities and blogging is not one of them. I will do my best to be as involved as possible but I can't make any promises. I have a day job now so maybe this semester will be different than last semester. I didn't get much sleep working overnights last semester.

I have a ton of ideas to play with and some guest posts to work on to keep it fresh. Don't forget about your buddy PTM. I will still be around just not as much. I did recently buy my first laptop so the Internet is more accessible than it was.

So what do you think of the changes I made I here?

Interview With a Legend

2011-08-30T07:00:00.001-04:00

With us today is a very well known and respected female figure. Please give a warm welcome to the one and only Miss Piggy.

PTM: Thank you for sitting down with us today. It is nice to finally meet you.

Miss Piggy: I know!

PTM: Are you excited about the new Muppets movie coming out?

Miss Piggy: You mean the one I'LL be starring in? Of course! I'm drunk. You're exciting....

PTM: I heard a rumor that you and Kermit were having some marital problems. Something about an affair with Fozzie. Is any of that true?

Miss Piggy: Next question.

PTM: Have you ever eaten bacon?

Miss Piggy: I have. Problem?

PTM: Who is your celebrity crush and what would you do if you met them?

Miss Piggy: Taylor Lautner. everything I would do to him is probably illegal and not just because I'm an animal (winks)

PTM: You have had a very successful career, what do you think you will be doing 10 years from now?

Miss Piggy: Justin Bieber.

PTM: Ok, my director is telling me that a stage hand found a pile of feces in your dressing room. I knew you were a pig, but come on. You couldn’t use the toilet?

Miss Piggy: That's not mine.....OKAY! OKAY! I'm DRUNK. Shit happens!

PTM: Is it true that a few years ago Gonzo was in rehab for 2 months for a coke problem?

Miss Piggy: Yes. But seeing as this questionnaire is about your truly (bats eyes) we could talk about MY coke pro...I mean......(smiles)

PTM: We only have a few more minutes so I’m going to take a question or two from the audience. You, in the front in the Goonies shirt. What is your question?

Audience Member: Can any of the Muppet Babies understand Beaker?

Miss Piggy: When we're under the influence.

PTM: Last question, you, the guy that looks like Santa Claus.

Audience Member: Donald Duck doesn’t wear pants but when he comes out of the shower he wraps a towel around his waist. What’s up with that?

Miss Piggy: That might be due to the time he got arrested for coke. Despite Gonzo's warnings, Donald dropped the soap multiple times. I personally think he enjoyed it.....

PTM: Thank you Miss Piggy for stopping by.

I want to thank my friend Johana for playing the part of Miss Piggy.

Failed Slogans

2011-08-25T07:00:00.002-04:00

The average consumer can probably identify many of their favorite companies' slogans. We hear them on the radio or seem them on tv and they just get glued to our brain. Some companies like to change their slogan/motto every once in awhile to change things up while others stick with the one that works. I am here to share with you slogans that failed miserably. After you are done with this head on over to Life by Chocolate to check out an awesome post that I contributed to.....HERE.

Nabisco Triscuits - "We promise you it doesn't taste like cardboard."

Hoover - "We suck."

IHOP - "At least we aren't Denny's."

Jack Daniels - "Whiskey so smooth you'll want to drink it for breakfast."

Nike - "We make sneakers."

Old Spice - "Smelling like your grandpa since 1934."

Poland Spring - "Contains only 7% deer urine."

Coca-Cola - "Pepsi is our bitch."

Jelly Belly - "2 out of 5 dentists recommend it."

United Airlines - "Your safety is our #3 concern."

Mcdonalds - "We'll show you where the beef is."

Sears - "If we don't carry it, K-mart probably has it."

Viagra - "Giving elderly men a reason to get up in the morning."

Red Bull - "Crack in a can."

Trojan Condoms - "Cheaper than an abortion."

Don't miss out on The Mating Game created by Rawknrobyn, PTM, Oilfield Trash and Al Penwasser. A post included us four just has to be good.

PTM Wants YOU!!

2011-08-24T07:00:00.001-04:00

I love guest posting, whether it is me guest posting on another blog or someone guest posting here on Just the Cheese. I love blog post collaboration, it is a lot of fun. I have had many bloggers share their creative juices with me (that sounded kind of dirty). Just to name a few, there has been Golden Girl, Baby Sister, Rawknrobyn, Invisible Seductress, Geof (@ The Man-Cave) and many others.

I would like to invite YOU the reader to join me in creating a great blog post. This is an open invitation to whoever wants to guest post on 'Just the Cheese'. Don't be shy, I don't bite, unless you want me to. I usually end up doing a wacky interview with my guest posters but you never know what could happen. Also if you have an idea that you want to share with me then don't hesitate to throw it out there.

If you would like to team up just let me know in a comment or email me at reviewsyoucantuse@gmail.com.

Meet 'N' Greet

2011-08-23T07:00:00.001-04:00

About 2 weeks ago, Nicole and I went to a tasting at the venue where we are getting hitched. If you follow
"... and the pickles" you might of read what she wrote on it. She had covered mostly what food was there and how it tasted, it definitely made me hungry and wanting to go back for more grub. I am not writing this post to repeat what Nicole had written about. I am here to cover something that she did not talk about.

We were seated with two other couples at our dinner table. Paul & Vanessa were a couple in their late 20's that are getting married this October. Peter & Donna were the parents of a bride that was getting married in September. They were awesome people. We definitely had the 'funnest' table at the tasting. There were about 80-100 people there total. We all just clicked and were laughing the whole time. The food was delicious and all but it was these two couples that made my night. I love meeting people that you can just connect with right away. It turns out that we were at the same Bridal Show in February that Paul & Vanessa attended. In fact Vanessa had said that she recognized Nicole and Nicole said she recognized Paul. I think his name was Paul, I can't remember, it doesn't really matter now.

So the night was fantastic, we were the last table to leave and we exchanged hugs and handshakes. What sucks is that we will probably never see them again. We didn't get their last names and we didn't exchange numbers. The only thing I do know is that they are getting married October 21st of this year at the same venue we are, I know what town they live in and I know the name of the band that Paul is in. I just tried searching for his band's website and I can't find it. The best shot we have to see them again is crashing their wedding. I've had this happen a few times were I have met people or a person that I've liked but never see them again.

Has anything like this ever happen to you?

Weird Laws: Part 14

2011-08-22T07:00:00.001-04:00

Another installment of weird laws of the U.S.

MONTANA

It is a felony for a wife to open her husband's mail. No husband wants her wife finding out that he has fallen in love with a gay cowboy.

It is a misdemeanor to show movies that depict acts of felonious crime. I didn't even know felonious was a word.

In Whitehall, it is illegal to operate a vehicle with ice picks attached to the wheels. How am I suppose compete in a death race?

NEVADA

In Nyala, a man is forbidden from buying drinks for more than three people other than him at any one period during the day. Who is keeping track of everyone's drink? Is that a high paying job?

It is illegal to drive a camel on the highway. It's because they can't reach the minimum speed of 40 mph.

In Eureka, men who wear mustaches are forbidden from kissing women. I found wear homosexuality got started.

NEW HAMPSHIRE

It is illegal to sell the clothes one is wearing to pay off a gambling debt. Dirty underwear has a low resale value.

It is illegal to check into a hotel under an assumed name. How else is a politician going to get way with cheating on his wife with a hooker?

It is illegal to pick seaweed up off of the beach. That is the lifeguard's job when he isn't gawking at young girls in bikinis.

NEW JERSEY

It is against the law to frown at a police officer. Frowning is the police officer's kryptonite, not many people know that.

In Newark, it is illegal to sell ice cream after 6 pm unless the customer has a note from his/her doctor. Who? Dr. Pepper?

It is illegal to slurp soup. No note from your dentist is going to get you out of this one.

To the Bat Cave!

2011-08-17T07:00:00.001-04:00

I'm sure we are all well aware of the things that Batman has in the Bat Cave. There is the Batmobile, hi-tech computer, different Bat suits and some cool gadgets. I have a list of items that you didn't know were in the Bat Cave.

Manicure/Pedicure Station

Library consisting of mostly Dr. Seuss, Judy Blume and Mick Foley books

A room for Batman's collection of Raberge Eggs

A closet filled with women's wigs and clothing

The entire collection of Sex and the City and Beverly Hills 90210 on Blu-Ray

A marble statue of Lou Ferigno

Knitting supplies with 3 unfinished afghans

A golden harp

2 cardboard boxes filled with old Cosmo and Vanity Fair magazines

A sex swing

Disco ball

A blow-up doll that looks like Robin

One of those mechanical horses that you see outside of the supermarket that is coin activated

Bowling alley

The corpse of John Candy

Belated Blogaversary

2011-08-16T07:00:00.002-04:00

I'm late to my own anniversary. I lost track of the time, snorting hot sauce on the weekends has impaired my ability to tell time. On Tuesday August 9th was 'Just the Cheese' two year anniversary. I thought at some point I would lose interest in this hobby but it hasn't happened yet. I just read my one year anniversary post and 90% of the bloggers that commented on that post still follow and comment on this blog. I think that is so awesome that people have stuck by all this randomness. I wish that the one blogger that really started following and commenting on my blog was still around blogging. Asblackasobama come back to us, we miss you. I'm sure some of you remember him and others have no idea who he is, that is all right.

I would love to put all my time and energy into this blog so I can have thousands of followers and hundreds of comments but there isn't any money in it for me. I wish I could do this as a career, that would be awesome. I know there are professional bloggers out there but how many of them write random humor? What stinks is I have about double the followers I did last year but still get the same number of comments. Where did everybody go? Why don't they love me anymore? Okay PTM, stop crying, you're embarrassing yourself in front of your loyal fans. Deep breath, goooooosefraba.

I am turning this into some sort of rant and that wasn't my plan at the start of this post. I can't even remember what I was going to write about. Sausages? No. Hamsters? No. Macho Man Randy Savage? No. I guess I will never know. Thank you all for reading my nonsense and I hope that you will keep reading until either you spontaneously combust or you get kidnapped by a gang of dwarf ninjas. What's that? You want to offer me an award? How thoughtful, just put it with the others.

Just some ideas

2011-08-15T07:00:00.002-04:00

I have some great ideas for movies that should be made.

Gremlins 3: The Newest Batch
The first two movies are cult classics and so original. I keep checking IMDb every now and then to see if someone is going to make it but nothing yet. The third installment of the Gremlins movies would take place at an amusement park at night. Billy (Zach Galligan) and Kate (Phoebe Cates) are back over 20 years later but now they have kids. One of the kids sneaks Gizmo into a backpack (even though they know better) and brings him to the park. Gizmo gets wet and the fun begins. I see Stripe and the Gremlins tying Gizmo to the front of a roller coaster to torture him. Maybe Hulk Hogan can be working one of the games like the strong man bell. I'm sure this one wouldn't be a blockbuster hit but I think it would be awesome to see anther Gremlins get made. Who's with me?

Jurassic Park IV
This one keeps getting announced and canceled. Speilberg needs to lock down that script. The first one was awesome, the sequel was pretty good but the third one sucked ass. A fourth one needs to be done to save the franchise. I read somewhere that Joe Johnston (the director of Jurassic Park III) said that Jurassic Park IV would be the start of a new trilogy. If this is true then they have to go in a whole new direction. There are only so many times they can go back to those islands. There aren't any movies that come close to Jurassic Park and I just want to see some more dinosaurs.

Backwards Trilogy
A trilogy that starts with the third movie and works backwards with two prequels. Has this been done before? Would this confuse people?

Back to the Future 4
Christopher Lloyd isn't dead yet and they can find someone to replace Michael J Fox. I'm sure Emmett Brown can find a new protege. I just love time traveling movies. I'm sure it wouldn't be as good as the original trilogy and I am sure someone already tossed this idea around in their head.

Alice in Wonderland Prequel/Sequel
I am sure Tim Burton already has this up his sleeve. I liked Alice in Wonderland but felt he could of expanded on the story.

I know I had some more but I can't think of them right now. I will have to do a sequel to this post in the future.

Amended Proverbs

2011-08-12T07:00:00.001-04:00

A twist on everyday proverbs and sayings

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it swim

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you will be gutting and cooking fish on the weekends.

You can't teach an old dog new tricks, but you can drop that old dog off at the pound and buy a new dog that will learn.

He who lives in a glass house shouldn't throw stones. He also shouldn't masturbate in the middle of the day.

If I had a nickel for every time I heard the saying 'if I had a nickel', I would have a boat load of nickels.

The early bird catches the worm. And the early ejaculator gets teased by the ladies.

A dog is a man's best friend, because he can't rat the man out to his wife.

A woman's work is never done, because there is always cooking and cleaning to do.

All good things come to he who waits. Tell to that to the man stuck in quick sand.

Never mix business with pleasure, especially if your business is a funeral home.

If at first you don't succeed, stop what you are doing and find a professional

Never judge a book by it's cover unless the cover has a picture of Pauly Shore on it.

You can't get blood out of a stone, except for Oliver or Emma Stone, they are filled with blood.

What goes up must come down. Viagra's new slogan.

It is better to give than to receive. Especially with STD's.

Pros & Cons: Cinnamon

2011-08-10T07:00:00.001-04:00

Pros and Cons of Cinnamon

Pros

Tastes great
Fantastic fairy dust substitution
Keeps away tigers
Great name for a girl
Wash into hair to get rid of lice
Very faithful to sugar
Can get you into the best clubs
Keeps your feet dry and smelling fresh

Cons

Not a good food to snort
Attracts zombies
In stick form gets mistaken for candy
Tastes terrible with whiskey
Has a long standing grudge against oregano
Causes a rash in the armpits
Was arrested once for imitating brown sugar
Likes Justin Bieber

Inside the Actor's Studio

2011-08-08T07:00:00.003-04:00

I am filling in for the regular host James Lipton, he is out with a really bad case of diarrhea. I was given some disturbing details about it but I won't share that with you. We have a special guest with us today. Don't we always have a special guest? Why would I have a regular person on here that no one knows? I'm getting sidetracked. Please welcome to the stage, the one and only, Betty White.

PTM: Thanks you for joining us today Betty. I know that you are very busy these days.

Betty: Oh yes, very busy these days. You know, PTM, on top of my busy acting career I've taken up nude modeling. There will be an exclusive centerfold debuting in Playboy next month!

PTM: I need to get this off my chest. I have always had a crush on you. You are my favorite Golden Girl. Even at 89 years old I would still bend you over a table. Are you still sexually active?

Betty: Well, of course I am. That's a silly question. And I must say, you are pretty dashing yourself there young fella'.

PTM: So is there a chance that we can get together after the show and have a few drinks?

Betty: Well, PTM, let me take you off stage now and show you the real golden side of Betty White.

Betty takes PTM's hand and takes him offstage for about 5 minutes. They come back onstage, PTM with a giant grin on his face.

PTM: Thank you Betty for showing me that. Now, there was a rumor after Rue McClanahan's passing that you and her had a short love affair back in 1988. Is there any truth to this?

Betty: No! I would have never had a love affair with just Rue alone..the other golden girls were involved also. You would have never guessed the moves Bea Arthur had up her sleeve....ahh...memories.

PTM: You are almost 90 years old and you look fabulous. How do you do it? What is your secret?

Betty: I surround myself with ugly younger women. They really bring out my eyes.

PTM: I loved your performance in Lake Placid. You were so sassy. Is there a movie role you have always wanted to play or one that you think you should have been cast for?

Betty: I think I would be pretty good as the Terminator, no?

PTM: Besides death, what is your biggest fear?

Betty: There is nothing to fear but fear itself!!

PTM: Do you have to wear diapers or are you able to still use the toilet?

Betty: Yes..I do have to wear them, you will see my new line of pull-ups debut in my upcoming Playboy centerfold.

PTM: Who is your celebrity crush?

Betty: Charlie Sheen..there is something just so forbidden about him. Hey Charlie, if you are watching this interview, come to Betty and I'll show you what WINNING is really about.

PTM: One last question Betty then you can go take your nap. Since they have all passed and they won't find out, do you have any juicy secrets or dirt on the rest of the Golden Girls cast?

Betty: I think I'll just leave you with the image of Bea, Estelle, Rue and I getting it on....on set....taped....the lost episode.

PTM: Thank you Betty for stopping by our studio and answering some questions for us.

I would like to thank Golden Girl for playing the part of Betty White. She did an excellent job for her first guest post. Go check out her blog if you haven't done so yet. It is called '.... and the pickles'. She is a new blogger and also my fiance.

Forewords & Afterwords

2011-08-04T07:05:00.001-04:00

Each word in the two quotes below has been replaced with a word that comes right before it in the dictionary. What are the two related quotes?

1) "Hysterics plectrum allege tizzy thaw flaccid..."

2) "Nymphomania, saxophone, camshaft Yorkie sedulous..."

Answers (Just right click with your mouse to highlight)

1) "I pledge allegiance to the flag..."

2) "O, say, can you see..."

Each word in the two quotes below has been replaces with a word that comes right after it in the dictionary. What are the two related quotes?

1) "Young haven theater righteous toad remainder silhouette..."

2) "Theater truthful, theater wholehearted truthful, andante nothingness butane theater truthful."

Answers (Just right click with your mouse to highlight)

1) "You have the right to remain silent..."

2) "The truth, the whole truth, and nothing
but the truth."

Conclusion of Alan & Jack Sparrow

2011-08-02T07:00:00.003-04:00

A month ago I did a post on what would happen if Alan from The Hangover crossed paths with Jack Sparrow from Pirates of the Caribbean. I ended it with 'to be continued'. If you didn't read that post you should probably do so before reading this one. Go HERE before you continue on.

So the story left off with Alan being throw overboard. Let's see what happens next.

Alan: Wow that looks like real water and those look like real sharks

Jack: You do realize we are out in the middle of the ocean?

Alan: You mean we aren't in some sort of pirate play?

Jack: Are you really this dumb?

Alan: Ok, I surrender, just don't throw me overboard. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't have my floaties.

Jack: Put him down and untie him.

Alan: Do you have any lotion? Your crew gave me some rope burns.

Jack: What kind of man are you?

Alan: I'm very sensitive. My dad says that I was breast fed for too long.

Jack: I still don't understand how you got aboard The Black Pearl.

Alan: Did Phil and Stu put you up to this? Classic Phil.

Jack: I don't know who this Phil and Stu you keep talking about are.

Alan: So you're going to play it that way are you? They are probably on here somewhere. I'll find them.

Jack: You will do no such thing. You will tell me what the hell is going on or I will re-consider throwing you overboard!!

Alan: So you don't know where Phil is?

Jack: If you mention the name Phil one more time I will cut off your balls with my sword.

Alan: You have a sword? Cool, can I play with it?

Jack: Did you hear what I said? I am going to castrate you.

Alan: Hey man, where is your parrot? Aren't pirates suppose to have parrots?

Jack: Shut up!! Shut up!! Shut up!! You have to be the most annoying idiot that I have ever met. I can't take another second of you. Jack jumps overboard

Alan turns around to face the rest of the crew

Alan: Have any of you seen Phil?

The rest of the crew jump overboard

Alan: (To himself) I must be out of range. I'm not getting a signal on my pager.

The End

Exciting News!!!!!

2011-08-01T07:00:00.001-04:00

We have a new blogger amongst us. Her blog is as new as a newborn baby (and smells like one too). Nicole (aka Golden Girl, my fiance) gave birth to her blog this weekend. It is called '.... and the pickles' and her blogger name is Golden Girl. She has guest posted once or twice here awhile back but now she can write whatever she wants without any guff from me. I'm not sure what she is going to write about yet but I'm sure it will be fantastic (I'm legally obligated to say that). Head on over to '.... and the pickles' and follow her and show her some blog love. If you don't I will steal all of your lawn gnomes and replace them with plastic flamingos.

Where's the Bacon?

2011-07-29T07:00:00.001-04:00

Have you noticed that everything has bacon in it now? Here is a list of foods that you might see bacon in soon. Keep a look out next time you are at the grocery store.

Cereal – Instead of Cap’n Crunch Berries there will be tiny bacon balls.

Yogurt – Dannon will be unveiling a new line called ‘bacon on the bottom’.

Toothpaste – Nothing like the fresh breath of bacon without having to eat it.

Butter – Why not a spreadable bacon?

Bagels – Bacon, egg and cheese will be easier to make without the hassle of cooking the bacon.

Soda – I heard a rumor that Pepsi is tinkering with the idea.

Chicken – Scientists are crossbreeding pigs and chickens to create chigs (or pickens, they haven’t decided on the name yet) KFC’s stock will jump tremendously.

Ketchup – I’m going to patent this one. Sound delicious.

Maple Syrup – If we can flavor it with fruit why not bacon? Coming soon to your local IHOP.

Peanut Butter – Why hasn’t anyone thought of it before? I want some now!!

Coffee – I add salt instead of sugar anyway.

Cookies – Chocolate chip and bacon Chips Ahoy coming soon.

Cough Drops – Ever just suck on a piece of bacon for an hour? Mmmm

Pickled Bacon – If they can pickle pig’s feet, why not bacon?

Battle of Sesame Street: Final Round

2011-07-26T09:38:00.000-04:00

Ernie was Cookie Monster's bitch in that last round. He smacked Ernie around like he was a red-headed stepchild. I thought it would be a closer match but Ernie didn't bring anything to the ring. Now that the semi0finals are out of the way, it is time for the big kahuna. The final round of the Sesame Street battle in on. I'm predicting this one is going to be a slobber knocker. So sit back, relax and grab a brew.

The Count

Cookie Monster

Bio:

Favorite Movie: You probably think it's Dracula but it's actually Bambi

Favorite Actor/Actress: Gary Busey

Favorite Food: Pussy

Biggest Fear: Impotence

Favorite Quote: I did not have sexual relations with that woman

Celebrity Crush: Michelle Obama

Mcdonald's, Wendy's or Burger King: Taco Bell

Some Tough Questions:

What did you want to be when you were a kid? Phlebotomist

One thing you would change about yourself? Smaller testicles

Would you have sex with Hilary Clinton for $100,000? I'd rather sleep with Bill

How do you feel about turkey bacon? Why isn't there chicken bacon?

What would be your death bed confession? My fangs aren't real

Bio:

Favorite Movie: Cool Runnings

Favorite Actor/Actress: Cher

Favorite Food: Chocolate Pizza

Biggest Fear: Being allergic to cookie dough

Favorite Quote: It puts the lotion on its skin or it gets the hose again

Celebrity Crush: Willy Wonka

Mcdonald's, Wendy's or Burger King: I'm unsure of the question so I will say the Burger King beats up Wendy and Ronald Mcdonald

Some Tough Questions:

What did you want to be when you were a kid? Lion Tamer

One thing you would change about yourself? Less fur in my ass

Would you have sex with Hilary Clinton for $100,000? I'd do it for $500

How do you feel about turkey bacon? Goes great with pudding

What would be your death bed confession? I did some gay porn when I was addicted to coke

Now comes the tough decision on who to vote for. I would tell you who I would vote for but it is against the by-laws and would result in castration. Polls will close on Friday at 11:59 PM, get in your vote by then. Next week I will announce the winner.

Wedding Scavenger Hunt

2011-07-22T07:00:00.001-04:00

I’m sure you are all aware of the normal scavenger hunt when you have to find things. Do you know about the scavenger hunt that requires you to do things instead of finding them? Here is a scavenger hunt you can play at the next wedding reception you are attending. Each action/thing to do has a different set of points.

Wedding Scavenger Hunt

Points Action/Thing To Do

50 = Motorboat the bride

48 = Moon the groom’s mother

43 = Give a toast with the phrase “Dirty Sanchez” in it

41 = Cup and hold the groom’s balls for 10 seconds

38 = Eat your dinner with only using your mouth, no hands

35 = Slowly lick your lips while looking at the bride’s grandmother

32 = Start playing hacky sack with a dinner roll on the dance floor

29 = Find a large woman and ask her if you can feel the baby kick

27 = Kiss one of the bridesmaids on the lips

25 = Randomly talk to a stranger about your rash ‘down there’

22 = Smell some guy’s hair and ask him what shampoo he uses

20 = Tag the DJ and say ‘you’re it’ and run away giggling

17 = Sit in the middle of the dance floor and throw a temper tantrum

15 = Tell one of the female servers that you loved her in Titanic

12 = Ask the person next to you to pull your finger

10 = Bring back a roll of toilet paper and set it at your table

8 = Take all the spoons from your table and put them in your pocket or purse

5 = Ask the bartender to make you a ‘Dick Cheney’

3 = Clap really obnoxiously after a slow song

1 = Pick your nose and wipe it on the table

Try these at the next wedding you are at, even if it's your own.

'Are you smarter than The Situation?'

2011-07-20T07:00:00.007-04:00

Welcome to ‘Are you smarter than The Situation?’ The game show that determines if you are smarter than The Situation from the Jersey Shore. Our contestant today is Sandy the Squirrel from the cartoon Spongebob Squarepants.

PTM: The game is simple; I will ask both of you the same questions and you will write down your answers. You will read off your answers when you are prompted to. The questions range from all different categories. Correct answers will get you 10 pts and incorrect answers will result in a loss of 5 points. Let’s get started.

PTM: The first question is: How many stars are on the American Flag?

The Situation: That's an easy one. There is one star for each state we have so there are 53 stars.

Sandy: There’s only one star I care about and that’s the one on the Texas flag. I mean, Texas is its own country after all.

PTM: Who discovered electricity?

The Situation: I know it's Ben something ...... I got it, Ben Stein.

Sandy: Well me of course. Everyone says it’s that Ben Franklin fella…but he totally stole the idea from me.

PTM: What was Sylvester Stallone’s character name in Rocky?

The Situation: This is a trick question. Sly wasn't in the Rocky & Bullwinkle movie.

Sandy: Aw shucks. It’s Rocky a-course.

PTM: What is a baby kangaroo called?

The Situation: Doesn't that depend on what the mother kangaroo names it?

Sandy: A joey, duh. Y’all shoulda known that one. Did you know the female kangaroo is called a flyer? And a papa is called a boomer? Ain’t I so smart?

PTM: What do the letters stand for in Alf’s name?

The Situation: Umm, errr.... Abs, Lollipops and Fur?

Sandy: Alien Life Form, but everyone knows there ain’t no such thing as aliens. I think it really stands for Aluminum Flouride which has the same initials.

PTM: Triskaidekaphobia is the fear of what?

The Situation: Fear of triscuits.

Sandy: A fear of ducks. *shudder* I suffer from that.

PTM: What kind of animal is Ronald Mcdonald’s friend Grimace?

The Situation: He looks like what I shit out after a night of drinking and tacos

Sandy: That ain’t no animal I never seen. That there be a big purple grape.

PTM: What is Superman’s weakness?

The Situation: Boobs.

Sandy: Kryptonite of course. But I think his real weakness is me. Hai-yah!!

PTM: What is the middle name of Stewie on Family Guy?

The Situation: Is he the dog? I'm going to guess Alabastor

Sandy: I don’t bother myself with such trivial things. I ain’t never seen the show. But I have it on good authority that it be Gilligan.

PTM: Who plays Kirk Cameron’s parents on Growing Pains? 10 pts for real names and 10 pts for character names.

The Situation: Katey Segal and Ed O'Neill played Al and Peg Bundy.

Sandy: Everyone knows it’s a pain to grow up. I ain’t never subjected myself to watching that. I already know what it’s like.

PTM: I was keeping score until I realized The Situation is a complete dumbass. Wait, what's that? I can't call the contestants names even if they are a moron? My producer says I need to apologize to The Situation. Sorry for calling you a dumbass.

The Situation: That's okay, I hear it from my mom and dad all the time.

PTM: I can't imagine why. The winner of today's show is Sandy the Squirrel. You win an all expenses paid trip to Saudi Arabia. Bring your sun screen. That's it for today. Tune in next time when Mr. T clashes wits with The Situation.

I want to thank Baby Sister over at La Esquina de la Estrellita for playing the part of Sandy the Squirrel. Go give her some blog love and tell her I sent you over.

Battle of Sesame Street: Semi Finals Round 2

2011-07-18T07:56:00.002-04:00

The last battle was very evenly matched but The Count came out victorious once again. Oscar's plan of using his garbage can as armor backfired because The Count took it and beat him with it. Let's move onto the next round.

Ernie

Cookie Monster

PTM: I am going to keep your minds sharp before the match. We are going to play a word association game. I say a word and you tell me the first word that pops into your head. Ernie, you will go first. Are you ready

Ernie: Yes, fire away.

PTM: The first word is yellow

Ernie: Rubber Duckie

PTM: Pink

Ernie: Taco

PTM: Aardvark

Ernie: Allergic

PTM: Bert

Ernie: Hunk

PTM: Hard

Ernie: Pickle

PTM: Interesting answers Ernie. You might want to see a therapist. Cookie Monster it’s your turn. You ready?

Cookie Monster: Let’s do it.

PTM: Your first word is dough.

Cookie Monster: Cookie

PTM: Cactus

Cookie Monster: Cookie

PTM: Tire

Cookie Monster: Cookie

PTM: Ok, I can see where this is going. You can’t answer every word with cookie. I know that you love cookies but that can’t be the only thing on your mind. Let’s try again. The word is sunburn.

Cookie Monster: Ice cream

PTM: Diamond

Cookie Monster: Chocolate

PTM: Cookie

Cookie Monster: Orgasm

PTM: I think you have an addiction Cookie Monster, you might want to get some treatment for that. Now that your minds are focused, let's battle!!

Cast your vote for Ernie or Cookie Monster and don't let the rubber duckie sway your vote in any way. Polls will close on Friday at 11:59 pm. The final battle will be on Monday so bring popcorn.

Truths Revealed: Winnie the Pooh

2011-07-13T07:00:00.000-04:00

The truth behind Winnie the Pooh and the 100 Acre Wood.

Winnie the Pooh – He was made fun of a lot in high school because he has Pooh in his
name so he developed an eating disorder. He also is an only child and never learned to
share. He is in constant need of attention and flaunts his honey but never shares it.

The Rabbit – Was raised by physically and verbally abusive parents. He was kicked out
of high school for cursing out the principal. He has also been banned from several Anger
Management Groups. He always needs to be in control and has terrible OCD (Obsessive
Compulsive Disorder).

Piglet – His father always told him to be the best and wouldn’t accept anything less than
perfect. Piglet had a nervous breakdown at age 20 and was hospitalized for 3 months. He
currently takes pills for his anxiety but they don’t seem to help. He is a neat freak because
of his father.

Tigger – Has had ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder) since birth. He had to
be held down by his siblings just to feed off his mother’s teats. One time, in the middle of
taking a poop he chased after a butterfly.

Eeyore – Is clinically depressed. His parents disowned him when he came out of the
closet. They blame his homosexuality on the fact that he has to get his tail nailed to his
ass every once in awhile. He currently takes anti-depressants but they don’t seem to help.

Owl – Has developed paranoia after serving in the military. He assumes everyone is out
to get him so he spies on his “friends”. He has a record of being a peeping tom.

Kanga – Developed severed Postpartum Depression after giving birth to Roo. This
explains her being an overbearing and overprotective mother. She has a drinking problem
that she hides very well. She demands to give Roo a bath every night and dress him in the
morning.

Roo – To cope with his overbearing mother he scores Xanax and Speed from guys on the
edge of the woods. It makes him very constipated.

Christopher Robin – Schizophrenic that imagines talking animals in the woods behind
the institution that he is committed at.

Battle of Sesame Street: Semi Finals Round One

2011-07-11T07:00:00.001-04:00

The battle between Bert and Ernie lasted for hours. Neither one wanted to throw in the towel. Ernie’s rubber duckie tried to distract Bert but I put a stop to that. There will be no cheating in my ring. The ultimate victor was Ernie. He moves on to the next set of rounds. We have two rounds left before the final match. Battling today, we have….

The Count

Oscar the grouch

PTM: I want the combatants to express how they feel about each other before they duke it out. I want you both to say three things you like and three things you dislike about your opponent. Can be anything you want. Count, you go first.

The Count: I will say what I like about Oscar first. I like that he is a ladies man and can get all the tail he wants. I like that he has a don’t-give-a-shit kind of attitude. I like that he always has ketchup when I run out.

Oscar: Thanks Count. Before you tell me what you don’t like about me, I want to say what I like about you. I like that The Count can rock the cape; I know I couldn’t pull off wearing a cape. I like that he is close to his grandmother. I like that he can score Viagra like nobody’s business.

The Count: Thanks Oscar. Now, to tell you why you are a douche. You are a complete slob and you should clean around your garbage can once in awhile. You won’t stop hitting on my grandma; she is 87 for Pete’s sake!! You don’t support your 3 illegitimate kids. Stop knocking up hoes and they won’t come after you for child support.

Oscar: For the record, your grandma is hot for 87. I hate that you are constantly telling people that you want to suck their blood. We get it, you’re a vampire. Now shut the fuck up about it. You need to brush your teeth man; you have blood stains all over them. Stop inviting me to play Mafia Wars and Farmville, it is getting annoying.

The Count: You know how hard it is to get rid of blood stains?

PTM: I love the brutal truth. Thanks for sharing fellas.

It’s that time again. Cast your vote for Oscar or The Count. If you don’t then Snuffleupagus will find you and sit on you. Polls close on Friday at 11:59 PM. We will have the next battle on Monday.

Guess What?

2011-07-06T13:05:00.000-04:00

I have a few announcements:

1) Whoever owns the red Honda Civic with license plate number POR2204, your lights are one

2) Sometime last week or week before I hit 200 followers. I would like to thank reputation@stake for getting me to that magical number. The fruit basket should be arriving any day now.

3) I have surpassed the 500 post mark. What the hell have I been writing about to reach 500 posts?

4) I guest posted on Dribble.... yesterday hosted by the gracious Mynx. It is about the day in the life of Peach and Mario. It is quite scandalous and involves betrayal. If you didn't read it, shame on you. Click HERE to be transported there.

Battle of Sesame Street: Round 4

2011-07-05T08:00:00.003-04:00

Big Bird didn't have a chance in the last round versus Cookie Monster. By the end of the battle there were yellow feathers everywhere. I hope those things grow back. Congrats to Cookie Monster for moving on to the next set of rounds. This is the last of the first round matches. Let's see who is duking it out today.

Bert

Ernie

While Bert and Ernie were getting ready for the battle I got a hold of their personal diaries. I am going to randomly share some entries with you for your entertainment. Shhh, don't tell them I shared their diaries.

Ernie's Diary

2/24/11 - I had a dream about Bert again. We were living in the country with 3 kids, 2 dogs and running our own pudding business. He looked so handsome. The kiss felt so real this time.

3/16/11 - It was so sad. I had a dream that Rubber Duckie drowned in the tub. We were at his funeral. All the Sesame Street characters were there except for Big Bird, they didn't get along for some reason. Alf, Optimus Prime and Rainbow Brite also came to pay their respects.

4/12/11 - I enjoy watching Bert sleep. I hope he doesn't find out that I have been cupping his balls at night.

4/25/11 - Bert caught me today using his toothbrush. I use it sometimes just so I can taste his saliva. I played if off today like I picked up the wrong one.

6/02/11 - I should kill Big Bird. No one likes that douche anyway. Why doesn't he like Rubber Duckie? What an asshole.

Bert's Diary

3/15/11 - Ernie is starting to act really creepy lately. He keeps leering at me with a weird look on his face. I'm thinking about moving out.

4/20/11 - I'm missing like three pairs of my underwear. I think Ernie might be taking them but I can't prove it.

5/17/11 - I had a really strange dream that Ernie was watching me in my sleep and cupping my balls. At least I think it was a dream.

6/09/11 - If I hear that rubber duckie song again I am going to stick a broom handle up Ernie's ass.

6/19/11 - I will never masturbate with baby oil again. I'm really raw down there now. I need to buy some lotion.

After laughing and peeing your pants, don't forget to vote for either Bert or Ernie. Polls will close on Friday at 11:59 pm and the next set of rounds will begin next week.

Pros & Cons: Turkey Baster

2011-07-01T07:00:00.001-04:00

Pros

Great for basting other foods like chicken, ham or french toast
Can be used when you're air guitar breaks
Fun to use in the bath tub
Makes it easier to feed Grandma
Comes with easy to read step-by-step directions
Shaq's personal eye dropper
Midget walking stick
Fill with favorite liquor and enjoy

Cons

Does not taste good filled with cannoli cream
Melts if left in the oven
Mashed potatoes get stuck in there
Hard to carry in your pocket
Does not replace dildo
Makes a poor baseball bat, ping pong paddle and pool stick
Do not give as anniversary present
Airport security asks too many questions

The Truth Behind Nursery Rhymes

2011-06-29T08:05:00.001-04:00

I know I have touched on a few of these in the past in my random thoughts posts. Let us take a closer look at nursery rhymes, children stories and songs.

Rock-a-Bye-Baby – This song is usually sung to a child to help them fall asleep. Why would a song about a baby falling out of a tree make a child sleepy? That would scare the crap out of some kid. Who is putting babies in trees is what I want to know. And somehow we accept this as a song to sing to our children. I don’t know which is more screwed up; the person who created the song or the people singing it to their kids.

Rub-a-dub-dub – I support homosexuality and stuff but what is this song about? Why would 3 grown men be bathing together? That is sending a strange message to kids.

Goldilocks and the Three Bears – Teaching kids that it is alright to break into someone’s house, eat their food and sleep in their bed.

Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe – This old woman was obviously on welfare; single mom, lots of kids and no husband or father figure around.

Little Red Riding Hood – What mother would send their young daughter into the woods all by themselves? And why is grandma living all alone deep in the forest? The grandmother is sick, why wouldn’t they go pick her up and bring her back to their house?

Hansel & Gretel – Another tale about kids wandering through the woods. Where are the parents in these stories?

Jack & Jill – Seems like a harmless tale when you read it but at the end Jack splits his head open. I’m sure that’s what we should be telling our kids.

Humpty Dumpty – The truth is that Humpty committed suicide. It was not an accident. How could all the king’s horses put Humpty back together anyhow? Horses are not the best option for putting an egg back together, they have no hands. And how messed up is his name? It’s part Hump and part Dump.

Ring Around the Rosey – This song is actually about the black plague. WTF?!?

3 Little Pigs – Why couldn’t the wolf catch the two pigs that got their houses blown down? I’m assuming that wolves are faster than pigs.

Battle of Sesame Street: Round 3

2011-06-27T08:00:00.001-04:00

I don't know what happened in the last battle but Elmo never had a chance. The Count swooped in there with his cape blowing in the wind and laid the smack down on that fur ball. Now we have The Count and Oscar moving on to the next round. Before we get there we have 2 more 1st round matches left.And today's battle is........

Big Bird

Cookie Monster

PTM: These battles are getting tougher and tougher to vote on. And today we are going to ask the really tough questions. I'm going to ask both of you the same set of questions. You both will alternate after each question. Are you ready?

Bird Bird & Cookie Monster: Yes!!

PTM: Here we go, first question, Big Bird you're first. What is the strangest thing you have done sexually?

Big Bird: I don't remember much of it but I know it involved a pickle, jar of mayo, boxing gloves, an empty wine bottle, duct tape, a picture of Bob Saget and a blow dryer. My mouth was sore and I had bruises on my thighs.

Cookie Monster: I used raw cookie dough to masturbate with while watching Cake Boss.

PTM: You two are freaks. Next question, Cookie you're up first now.Have you ever had a sex dream about someone on the show? And what was it about?

Cookie Monster: Aloysius Snuffleupagus was dressed up like little Bo Peep.

Big Bird: I dreamt that I had sex with my clone. It was amazing.

PTM: Getting weirder guys. How do you really feel about each other?

Big Bird: I don't know how Cookie Monster hasn't gotten Diabetes yet. All he does is eat cookies and sugary snack foods. I'm worried he is going to die young. Pick up a carrot once in awhile you douche.

Cookie Monster: At least I don't sit in my dressing room praying to God for the ability to lay eggs. You are an 8 foot tall male freak bird, get used to it.

PTM: It's getting pretty heated in here. Last question before you two duel. Tell us something no one knows about you.

Cookie Monster: I took a shit in Oscar's garbage can while he was sleeping. He never knew who it was until now. Take that asshole!!

Big Bird: Before I landed this job I used to work at KFC. It was the only job that my parole officer could get me at the time. I went to jail for dealing crack.

PTM: I think it is safe to say that we have learned way to much about these two today. Now go to the locker room and get ready to duke it out.

Who do you like better? Big Bird of Cookie Monster? Cast your vote or Kermit the Frog will come by your house and beat you with a sack full of door knobs. Polls close Friday at 11:59 PM.

BBQ Review

2011-06-24T08:00:00.001-04:00

Last week Nicole graduated from the LPN (Licensed Practical Nurse) program at BOCES. Now I can put her to work so I can buy that pony I never got as a kid. To celebrate, her family and I went out to dinner at a new BBQ place, American BBQ and 151 Bar & Grill. I was super excited because I don’t often go out for bbq; there aren’t many places around where I live.

This joint has a nice homey feeling and we were seated at a big comfy booth in the corner. I was salivating just looking over the menu which had a nice variety. What’s awesome is Nicole’s dad loves to eat and he usually orders a lot of food. This night was no exception. For our appetizers we started off with some corn fritters. We got two orders. The waitress said each order came with about 10 each but there had to be at least 15 in each order. I’ve had some pretty good corn fritters before but these were phenomenal. I would like to use the term melt in your mouth. I’m thinking about stopping by after work just for an order of those bad boys.

I probably don’t even need to tell you the rest of the food we got; you probably want to go just based on the corn fritters. We also got nachos but these weren’t any old nachos, they were topped with pulled pork, yes you read that right, pulled pork. I added some chipotle bbq sauce and jalapenos to the ones I ate. I might have to put some bbq sauce on my keyboard and take a bite just to get a fix right now. Oh yeah, there was also a salad bar with all the fixings but I can’t make salad sound better than it is so I will move on to the main course.

We ordered what was called the 151 Feast. It came with a smoked chicken, brisket, pulled pork, ribs and four sides that we got to pick. We chose homemade mac ‘n’ cheese, collard greens, biscuits & gravy and sweet potato tater tots (which I have never heard of or seen before). I have never had smoked chicken before this night. It had such a great flavor to it. The brisket and pulled pork were of course delicious. The ribs, oh my, the ribs, fell clean off the bone, so tender. I added bbq sauce to everything cuz I love me some bbq sauce. Nicole also got a burger that was topped with pulled pork, genius!! I’m going to put pulled pork on my cereal and see how it tastes; it seems it can be put on anything.

To wash down all this deliciousness I had a Sam Adams Summer Ale. We were so stuffed that we couldn’t fit in any dessert but we have to got back for some because they had something called fried cheesecake, intrigued? I know I am. There were so many leftovers, which is one of the best parts of eating out, right? I ate bbq for the next two days for lunch. The aroma of it cooking in the microwave was almost orgasmic.

Not only was the food out of this world but the waitress was super friendly and very attentive; it may have been because we were like the only people there. I hate tipping because I am a cheap-ass but I would of tipped extra for her (Nicole’s father picked up the tab, mmmm free food). Great service just makes the dining experience that much better. I don’t think I can think of anything I didn’t like about the place. I am definitely planning on going back again real soon. Now wipe the drool off your keyboard so you can leave me a comment regarding your jealousy.

Reviews You Can't Use

2011-06-22T08:00:00.002-04:00

Fast Five - I know I waited too long to review this one but I don’t care. Maybe my review will sway you to rent or buy the DVD. I didn’t get my hopes up in seeing this movie since it was the fifth movie of the Fast and Furious series. I have to say I was blown away. It is the best Fast & Furious since the original. Very action packed plus it had The Rock in it and how can you go wrong with that? I gotta tell ya, if I had a vagina I would get all hot and sweaty watching Vin Diesel and The Rock (or Dwayne Johnson for all you non wresting fans) duke it out. Maybe they have a kissing scene in the movie. You won’t know until you see it.

The Hangover: Part 2 – Obviously this one can’t match what the first one had but it was still pretty funny. I think a lot of people are being too critical of it. The only thing I didn’t like is that Justin Bartha got the short end of the stick again. They must have caught him stealing the boom mic or something. I heard they are already in the process of making The Hangover: Part 3. If they try the hangover plot again then it will suck. They need to do something totally different in order to be awesome.

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides – Johnny Depp is always awesome in whatever he is in and you don’t have to see the first three to enjoy this one. As an added extra for the guys and lesbian, Penelope Cruz looks hot in it. See it, don’t see it, I’ll sleep at night either way.

Now what if Alan from The Hangover somehow stumbled upon The Black Pearl from Pirates of the Caribbean? This is how I think it would play out.

Jack Sparrow finds Alan sleeping in his bed, he nudges Alan with his boot.

Jack Sparrow: What is the meaning of this? Who are you?

Alan: (mumbling in his sleep) No, mom, I want scrambie eggs, not fried.

Jack kicks him harder and Alan falls out of the bed. Alan wakes up.

Alan: What? Where am I? What did you do with Phil?

Jack: You are aboard the Black Pearl. Who’s Phil?

Alan: Phil is one of my best friends. I’ll sing the song in a minute. What did you do with my pager? What if Phil was trying to get in touch with me?

Jack: I don’t understand what you are saying. How did you get aboard my ship and into my bed?

Alan: I don’t know. All I remember from last night was there was a lot of drinking and a monkey. Why are you dressed like a pirate? Are you in some sort of play?

Jack: I’m Jack Sparrow.

Alan: Who? Do you do Disney on ice too?

Jack: I am Jack Sparrow, Captain of the Black Pearl. He pulls out his sword for emphasis.

Alan: Cool sword, do they give that to you or do you have to buy it yourself? I have my own light saber but it’s at home.

Jack: Crew, tie this idiot to the main mast.

Alan: I get to be in the show? Thanks Pete.

Jack: My name is Jack, you idiot.

Alan: Sorry, Jack, I’m not good with names.

Jack: Never mind, don’t tie him up. Just toss him overboard. I can’t take another minute of his mouth.

Alan: Way to stay in character. You are a good actor. I tried to be an actor once, I went by the name Jonathon Bobbit but everyone always laughed when I told them my name so I never got any callbacks.

Jack: Throw him overboard before I stab him to death first.

The crew lifts Alan up and prepares to throw him overboard

Jack: Any last words?

Alan: Do you have a Jack in the Box around here? I’m starving.

Jack: Throw him over

To be continued….

Find out another week what happens to Alan.

Battle of Sesame Street: Round 2

2011-06-20T08:00:00.004-04:00

The next round of the Sesame Street Battle is upon us. Oscar must be invincible to super Grover because he wiped the floor with that blue freak. If you forgot to vote on the last round make sure you get it in for this one.

The Count

Elmo

PTM: For a change of pace, I’m going to let the combatants ask me some questions. First up is The Count. Whatever you want to ask me Count, go ahead.

The Count: Can I take a little bite of your neck? I could use some blood.

PTM: You can try but you are going to get maple syrup instead of blood. You are better off biting my camera man.

The Count: I’ll take a nibble after the interview. Do you have a fear of toasters?

PTM: I was when I was a kid but I’m much more afraid of Abe Vigoda.

The Count: I don’t think he has any blood left, I think he is just skin. PTM, what is your favorite number?

PTM: My favorite number is 43,689. It’s the amount of times I got laid in college.

The Count fist bumps PTM

The Count: Do you know the best way to get rid of crabs? I’m itching like crazy down there.

PTM: First you want to bleach your whole groin area then add some lighter fluid and put a match to it. It’s going to burn pretty bad at first but that just means its working. Let it burn for about 2 to 3 minutes then throw some baby powder and vinegar on it to put it out. That should clear you up.

The Count: I will try that tomorrow. That is all the questions I have, now where is that cameraman?

PTM: Ok, Elmo, your turn to ask me some questions.

Elmo: Elmo excited to ask questions. How come Grover touches Elmo’s butt and then tells Elmo not to tell anyone?

PTM: Well Elmo, Grover is what we call a pedophile. He wants to do naughty things to you and he doesn’t want anyone to know about it because it’s illegal. Just let him do what he wants and eventually he will get bored and stop.

Elmo: Ok, PTM, if you think that’s best. Can I touch your abs?

PTM: Normally I don’t let anyone touch my abs but I can’t resist that cute face.

Elmo swipes his hand across PTMs’ abs.

Elmo: Ooooo, I could grate cheese over them. PTM, how can I get abs like yours?

PTM: Lots of steroids and a little plastic surgery.

Elmo: Thanks. How come you haven’t accepted my friend request on Myspace?

PTM: People still use that shit? I just assumed that Tom hung himself and the site was deleted. You can follow me on Twitter @ just_the_cheese (so can you as the reader, hint, hint).

Elmo: Elmo excited to follow Powdered Toast Man. That was my last question. I’m ready to battle The Count now.

You heard him folks, it is time for battle. Please either cast your vote for The Count or Elmo. You cannot vote for me, this goes for you Reputation@Stake. The polls will close on Friday the 24^th at 11:59 PM. The next battle will happen on Monday the 27^th. See you then (if not sooner).

Sneak Peak

2011-06-18T15:56:00.002-04:00

Coming up next week on ‘Just the Cheese’:

Battle of Sesame Street: Round 2 – See which Sesame Street characters are going to battle it out next.

A ‘review you can’s use’ of The Hangover: Part 2 and Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides. I was suppose to post this last week but I didn’t get a chance to write it.

Review of a new restaurant I dined at. I will make you want to eat your keyboard.

A new poll. I haven’t put up a poll in a long time. It will be something you can chat about at the water cooler (do people still talk at the water cooler?)

Weird Laws: Part 13

2011-06-17T08:36:00.001-04:00

If you came here expecting my movie review post, it has been moved to next week. Here are the next set of weird laws of the U.S.

MAINE

In Biddeford it is illegal to gamble at an airport. There was a problem with a guy guessing too many planes going down in flames.

In Freeport it is illegal to sell mercury thermometers. Too many kids think it's candy and cut their tongue on the thermometer trying to get to it.

MARYLAND

In Rockville it is illegal to swim in public fountains. Probably because so many people pee in those things.

In Cumberland it is illegal to swear on a playground. How am I suppose to express myself when I want to use the slide?

MASSACHUSETTS

It is illegal to serve beer to hospital patients. Are they talking about in the hospital or at the bar? Cuz unless they are wearing their gown at the bar, I wouldn't know if they were a hospital patient.

It is against the law for shooting ranges to have targets that look like humans. I will just post my exes face on a target of a bear then.

MICHIGAN

It is illegal to sell cars on Sunday. All car sales people work part time as pastors and altar boys.

It is illegal to be drunk on a train. With a crane, heading to Tulane while eating chicken chow mein.

MINNESOTA

It is illegal to loiter near any structure or vehicle without the consent of the owner.What if I plan on stealing the car, do I need to give them a heads up?

In Minnetonka it is illegal to throw tacks, glass or nails onto a street or sidewalk. Dammit, that is how I celebrate 'step on something sharp day'.

MISSISSIPPI

It is illegal to seduce a woman by lying and promising to marry her. Mississippi must be filled with a lot of lesbians.

It is illegal to teach someone what polygamy is. Is that when you have sex with shapes?

MISSOURI

In Perryville it is illegal to injure any bird within city limits. Big Bird better stay the fuck of of Perryville if he knows what's good for him.

It is illegal for a bar owner to let people drink on his premises between 2 a.m. and 6 a.m. That makes sense, that's when the vampires go to the bar and drink.

Where Are They Now?

2011-06-15T09:00:00.003-04:00

This series accounts the lives and events of people that were once famous and now you don’t know what they are doing. I’m here to give you the lowdown.

I am here to tell you what actually happened to Clara Peller. You probably don’t recognize her name but once I tell you what her tagline was you will know. She is famous for the line “Where’s the beef?” The Wendy’s chain started this slogan back in 1984. Clara was featured in their commercials where she purchased a burger with big buns from a fictional fast food restaurant and exclaimed “where’s the beef?” while opening up the buns.

Now if you look up Clara, it will tell you that she died in 1987. This is a cover up. The truth is that after months of doing those commercials Clara went bat shit crazy. All she could dream about was hamburgers and she kept going up to random strangers asking “where’s the beef?” At first they thought she was just being colorful but it started to get out of hand. One time she showed up to one of the sets completely nude and was asking the kitchen appliances where the beef was. Clara had to be hospitalized. In order to save face and continue with their advertising Wendy’s decided to clone Clara. Any commercial featuring Clara after August of 1984 was of her clone and not her.

The clone worked out very well for Wendy’s until in 1987 it spontaneously combusted. It was reported that the real Clara Peller died in her home town in Chicago when it was actually her clone. Clara spent the next years in a mental institution until she escaped in 1993. No one knows the whereabouts of Clara. There were a few “sightings” in 1996, 1997 and 1999 but nothing was confirmed. Nobody knows if she is alive or dead. She would be 109 if she’s still roaming around out there. If you have seen her or know the whereabouts of Clara please don’t tell anyone. The Wendy’s Corporation doesn’t want to know. Also don’t ask how I know all of this information, I have my sources…. Cough…Kermit the frog…cough

If you want to read the first Where Are They Now? Click HERE

Battle of the......

2011-06-13T08:00:00.007-04:00

The time has come for a fresh, new, shiny battle. I am going to pit eight Sesame Street characters against each other for your amusement (and a little for my amusement). There will be four 1st round elimination matches leaving 4 characters to duel in the 2nd round. After the 2^nd round, there will be only 2 remaining characters left to fight for the crown of Sesame Street Top Dog (or Cat). The combatants will be chosen at random from the eight characters I have already chosen. Enough chit-chat, let’s get the 1^st match underway.

OSCAR THE GROUCH

GROVER

PTM: I asked the studio audience to write down some questions for our combatants to answer before their battle. I will pick them randomly from this sombrero.

PTM: I will start with you Grover. And the first question says: Which of Jim Henson’s Muppets is your favorite?

Grover: That’s an easy one, Leonardo.

PTM: No, Grover, that is the name of one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. The question was about the Muppets, you know, Kermit the Frog, Miss Piggy, Gonzo. Those guys.

Grover: Oh, I always mix those two up. I’m a big fan of Beaker. He’s so easy to understand.

PTM: Moving on, next question is, what is your favorite topping to put on a pizza?

Grover: Fruit Loops and a little honey mustard.

PTM: You’re a weird guy. Here’s another one, are you mad that you weren’t made anatomically correct? You know, not having a penis and all.

Grover: What’s a penis?

PTM: You should ask your mother that question. One more question for you Grover, then we move on to Oscar. Who is your celebrity crush?

Grover: Penny from the Inspector Gadget cartoon. She was cute.

PTM: Ok Grover, you can go back to the locker room to get ready for the battle. Oscar, I’m going to ask you four questions from the audience now. You had a guest appearance on the sitcom Scrubs, that must have been exciting for you?

Oscar: It was but Zach Braff kept leering at me and licking his lips. I’m not sure if he wanted to eat me or bang me.

PTM: Thanks for sharing that with us. Next question, have you ever thought about upgrading to a bigger garbage can, like a 2 bedroom?

Oscar: Like I never heard that question before. How very original of whatever dumbass wrote that one up. That’s like asking Big Bird if he is self conscious about his height. Let’s hope the next question isn’t from a moron.

PTM: I was going to say that was a little harsh but then I remembered you were Oscar the Grouch. Do you have any STD’s?

Grover: Now there’s a ballsy question. Let’s see, I have herpes, had gonorrhea twice and I think I just contracted syphilis from the slut from last night but I won’t know until I go to the doctor. I’m immune to the HIV so I don’t have to worry about that.

PTM: I don’t think you can be immune to HIV.

Oscar: I know a guy that gave me some pills to block it. He’s legit.

PTM: All righty then. Last question, you would look sexy with a tattoo, how come you don’t have one?

Oscar: It’s this damn hair; it’s all over my body. If I shave it, it just grows back in a day. I actually have 3 tattoos but you can’t see them because of all this hair. If you want you can come over and shave me if you want to see them. Just meet me after the battle.

PTM: Thank you Oscar. You can go back to the locker room and be back out to battle in 20 minutes.

Now this is where you as the reader get to vote on who you want to win the battle. Do you like Grover or Oscar the Grouch? Please leave your pick in a comment. Polls will close on Friday June 17^th at 11:59 PM. Ballots will be tallied and a new battle will commence on Monday.

Sneak Peak

2011-06-11T16:51:00.000-04:00

Coming up next week on ‘Just the Cheese’:

A fresh new battle. The first one I did was The Battle of the Game Show hosts where none other than Bob Barker took the crown. The second one was The Battle of the Cereal Mascots where Toucan Sam was victorious. Who you ask is in next week’s battle? It’s a secret and you are going to have to stop by on Monday to find out (I know, I’m mean like that).

I started a new post series a few months ago called Where Are They Now? My first post featured the Dunkin’ Donuts guy from the old commercials. Next week there will be a new edition to the newly created series.

I recently saw The Hangover Part Two and Pirate of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides. I haven’t reviewed a movie in awhile. I am going to combine the two movies into one review and it will surely be a review you can’t use.

I am going to try this out where I give you a heads up on what I’m posting for the following week. Maybe you care or maybe you don’t. Have a fantastic weekend filled with lots of Jell-O and cold beer.

Another IHOP Adventure

2011-06-09T05:00:00.001-04:00

I feel that every IHOP should be open 24 hours because who hasn’t gotten the craving for pancakes at 3 in the morning. And since pancakes are so difficult to make I’m relieved that I can purchase them from an “International” affiliated institute.

Nicole and I went to dine at IHOP before we saw The Hangover Part 2 (which was very funny and worth seeing if you are at all wondering, maybe I will do a review of it, don’t hold me to it). If I didn't mention it in the last IHOP post, you have to try the cinnamon roll french toast or pancakes. They are delectable. Never mind if you are on a diet, use IHOP as your cheat day. Tell them Powdered Toast Man sent you, they will give you their best seat and an extra strip of bacon. There was only one waitress working at the time and these are her thoughts during the night.

Waitress' Thoughts

“I guess he can’t taste the spit in his coffee. That is 37 in a row without being caught”

“I love bacon, someone should make a bacon drink, I would buy that”

“I wonder if that woman’s boobs are real. Would she be offended if I asked?”
“Why is it called International House of Pancakes? Are there IHOPs in other countries? Do they ship the pancake batter in from Europe?”

“If that guy doesn’t stop staring at my ass I am going to stab him in the eye with a fork”

“I should of had an abortion”

“Shovel down another sausage link you fat piece of shit”

“I’m going to put a warning in the menu that says ‘May cause diabetes’ with a picture of Wilfred Brimley’s face”

“I can’t believe I have a master’s degree and I’m serving people scrambled eggs and coffee for a living”

“I should have taken that job to do amateur porn”

“Is Bob Barker still alive?”

“All employees must wash hands before returning to work…….except me”

Why Can't People Take a Joke?

2011-06-07T12:00:00.001-04:00

I haven’t ranted in awhile about something. I hate when people can’t take a joke or sarcasm. Some people are so damn uptight. It’s just a joke lady, get over it. I am a very sarcastic person and I can’t help it, it’s my personality. If you can’t handle it then you can go fuck yourself. Go to the doctor and remove that large stick from your rectum because it is starting to ruin my day. There is a woman I work with that said she can take sarcasm but every now and then she flips out over something I say. It pisses me off. And then on top of that I try to resolve the issue and she doesn’t want to talk about it. I have to resort to emailing her how I feel and waiting on her response. What’s weird is that she is a really nice person in general but has a dark side. She is almost acting like she is my mother not that my mother is like that but she thinks she is my mother at work.

If you have a problem with me, don’t lash out randomly at things I say, just tell me what’s what. Apparently things that I say jokingly come off as rude. Cry me a river. I don’t come across too many people that have a problem with my sarcasm and sense of humor. When I encounter someone that does, it bothers the crap out of me for some reason. I think “does everyone think this about me or is it just this bitch?” I don’t want to be disliked; I am very easy to get along with. I have a very high threshold for people fucking with me but a very low threshold for people not taking shit from me. I need to take a poll of people that I converse with on a weekly basis to see if me being rude is the general consensus.

Let’s start here. If you enjoy or dislike my sarcasm and/or sense of humor let me know in a comment but don’t forget to put in your two cents first. I wanna know how you feel about the situation before you tell me if you like me or not.

Favorite Games Blog Fest

2011-06-06T05:00:00.002-04:00

I joined this blog fest at the last minute. I’m glad I popped over to Alex’s blog over the weekend so I can partake in the festivities. I enjoyed participating in the last three he had. There are so many games that I have played and enjoyed; board games, video games, card games, sex games, phone games, food games, the list goes on. I will probably want to change my answers after I post this and read what other people chose. I will choose a game from a different category to spice things up.

1.) Scene-It – Great board game. I love any version but the movie version is my favorite. I have 10 versions; original movie edition with bonus pack, Friends, Seinfeld, TV, 80’s, Disney, Comedy Movies, Marvel, Squabble,and Xbox 360 Lights, Camera, Action Edition.

2.) MarioKart 64 – Hands down one of the best video games for Nintendo 64 and the best MarioKart game. Nicole recently downloaded it on the Wii and it’s so much fun to relive my childhood years. I like MarioKart Double Dash for GameCube and the one for the Wii but I will never get sick of the 64 version.

3.) WordFeud – If you are not familiar with this it is a word game app similar to Scrabble for Android phones. I am addicted and play all the time. I have played Words with Friends but I like WordFeud better. What’s cool is that if the word you play isn’t a real word it will tell you and you don’t lose your turn. You just play a word that it accepts. I’ve learned so many random words from this game but I have no idea what they mean. If you like word games and have an Android phone, I highly recommend that you download it. Best of all is that it’s FREE!! (at least it was when I downloaded it).

For the time being those are my three favorite games. They might change after I read fellow bloggers’ posts. You have to agree with at least one of my picks if not all of them.

Interview with a Pirate

2011-05-31T05:00:00.003-04:00

I have a special guest in the studio with me today. He is an iconic figure in the food industry and all over the world (I think, don't quote me on that). Please give a warm welcome to the one and only Cap'n Crunch.

Powdered Toast Man: Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to sit down and do this interview. Now what can I call you? Do you prefer Cap'n or Mr. Crunch?

Cap'n Crunch: When you’re dressed like that – in a skimpy muscle shirt and hot red biker shorts? He leans in and lowers his tone. Call me Captain and I’ll show you my plank.

PTM: Maybe later in my dressing room.Now, I have to ask this right off the bat because I know it is on every one's mind. What is your true real name?

Cap'n: What makes you think I’m not Cap'n Crunch? He leans in again, loosening his belt this time. Do you need to see some proof?

PTM: Wait until later (whispering under his breath). I heard a rumor from another mascot, who shall remain nameless, that you have never actually been on a pirate ship. What do you have to say about this accusation?

Cap'n: Tony’s just jealous and – leaning in again- quite the Tiger, grrrr.

PTM: Is it hard being out in public without people constantly harassing you?

Cap'n: Yes. He smiles widely.

PTM: I heard that you beat out Ranger Smith from Jellystone Park and David Hasselhoff to be the mascot and spokesperson for Cap'n Crunch. Did they have any hard feelings about it and do you keep in touch with either of them?

Cap'n: Nah, Ranger Smith doesn’t have hard anything – if you know what I mean. He winks and nudges PTM. David, though, ooh, I tell ya. Some things do get better with age.

PTM: Ok then, I'm sorry I asked. What do you think about this whole Arnold Schwarzenegger scandal?

Cap'n: What? Who is he?

PTM: Umm, he is the former governor of California, a famous action movie star. He played the Terminator.

Cap'n: Never heard of the dude. What is the scandal about? Was he dealing drugs with Lucky the Leprechaun?

PTM: Never mind, let's move on. Answer this next one quickly without thinking. Trix Rabbit, Toucan Sam, Smacks the Frog, Fuck, marry or kill? Go!

Cap'n: Smacks probably has some sort of STD from all the inter venous drugs he's taken. I'd kill that dude. Trix seems like a tender lover and his fur would feel good against my skin so I would definitely hit that. Toucan has already raised some kids so I'm sure he would be a good spouse, I'll marry him. How about you PTM?

PTM: Oh, I'd fuck all of them.

Cap'n: My kind of guy.

PTM: Cap'n there is another reason why I brought you on the show. There is something I need to get off my chest that I have been feeling guilty about for years. I'm the reason your wife left you 3 years ago. She was having an affair with me. We bumped into each other at an IHOP and things just happened. She told me that you aren't crunchy enough for her and that your plank doesn't stay straight. She just wanted some good ol' fashion cereal sex. I'm sorry Cap'n. I didn't mean to be a home wrecker.

Cap'n: I accept your apology. And now you can accept this. He jabs his hook into PTM's thigh.

PTM is bleeding and screaming in agony

PTM: What the hell!?!? Oh, it hurts. MEDIC!!!!

Securtiy comes rushing out to grab Cap'n. He starts waving around his hook at them. One of the guards drops him with a tranquilizer dart. The producer comes running out.

Producer: Cut! Cut! Go to commercial! (Addresses PTM) I told you he would stab you with his hook but did you listen to me? Noooooo. You can't trust a pirate. I learned that the hard way when backed into Long John Silver's car. He came to my house the next week and left a shark in my bathtub. My wife is missing two of her toes now.

PTM: Great story, now how about you bring me to the hospital before I bleed to death. I think I need a tetanus shot.

I would like to thank RawknRobyn for supplying some of the Cap'n's lines.

Lame Joke of the Week

2011-05-25T14:39:00.000-04:00

A wagon train got lost crossing the Plains. They’re low on food and they see an old Norwegian sitting under a tree. They stop and ask him, “Is there food around here?” He says, “Well, I don’t know, but I tell you, I wouldn’t go that way-there’s a big bacon tree over that hill.”

“A bacon tree?”

“Yah, so I wouldn’t go that way.”

The wagon train talked about it and a bacon tree sounded good to them. So they went over the hill. And over the next hill a thousand Indians were waiting for them and attacked them from all sides and took them prisoner-except for the leader, who went crawling back to the old Norwegian and said, “There was no bacon tree there, just a mob of Indians who took everybody captive.”

The Norwegian said, “Vait a minute.” He picked up his Norwegian-English dictionary and looked through it, and then said, “Oh, it wasn’t a bacon tree. It was a ham bush.”

Gary's Thoughts

2011-05-20T05:00:00.004-04:00

Have you ever wondered what Gary (SpongeBob's pet) is actually saying and thinking. Well, I am here to translate for you.

What you hear vs. What he is actually saying

Meow = I'm hungry

Meow = I'm thirsty

Meow = I need a bath

Meeow = I'm sleepy

Meoow = I have to pee

Meow? = Why do you always wear the same thing everyday?

Meow! = I'm horny and I need to get me some!

MEOW = HELLO

Meoww = I just pooped in your bed

Mmeow = I could go for a taco

Gary's thoughts

"I wonder if SpongBob is gay"

"How is it that Patrick hasn't died from stupidity yet?"

"Why is it that SpongeBob is a freakin' sponge but he can talk and I'm a real animal and all I can do is meow like a fucking cat?"

"I've had an itch on my back for 3 years, it's driving me crazy!!"

"He lives in a pineapple under the sea, Spongeb..... DAMMIT!! I hate that song"

I wish Angelina Jolie would adopt me"

"If I have to hear SpongeBob whacking it one more time, I'm going to kill myself"

"I miss Charles in Charge, that was a good show, even though Scott Baio is a tool"

"I wonder what bacon tastes like?"

"I'm almost positive that Mr. Krabs has some with his money"

Forewords

2011-05-17T08:52:00.000-04:00

Each word in the two famous quotes below has been replaced with a word that comes right before it in the dictionary. What are the two quotes?

1. Thaw onlooker thine wayward hauteur tizzy fealty irrupt fealty its.

2. Asinine nosy wharf youngster countrified camshaft dizzy fop Yorkie, asinine wharf Yorkie camshaft dizzy fop youngster countrified.

Drag your mouse across to reveal the hints and answers.

Hint 1: The quotes are related

Hint 2: Presidential quotes.

Answers:

1. The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.

2. Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.

Where the Hell Have I Been?!?

2011-05-16T09:11:00.000-04:00

Finals are over and so is this school semester. I got straight A's again as usual, if anyone cares. I am back for the summer baby!! I haven't posted anything in a month. Holy crap, that is a long time in the blogging world. I have so much to catch up on. I hope I didn't miss anything really awesome. I have another battle idea I will either post this week or next.

I finally got a day job so no more working overnights all the time. I still will be once or twice a week for some extra cash but for the most part I'm working during the day. I will be back tomorrow to post something funny and awesome as usual. I hope everyone missed the Toast Man.

What Would You Do?

2011-04-11T07:58:00.000-04:00

Just some fun what would you do questions. Leave your answers in a comment.

1) Would you rather go without sex or chocolate for the rest of your life?

2) Which of the five senses would you lose if you had to?

3) If you had the sex organ of the opposite sex what would you with it?

Dirty Joke

2011-03-31T03:23:00.000-04:00

You have probably all heard this one but I heard it last week at a comedy club and thought it was pretty good. On a side note Nicole and I saw an erotic comedy hypnotist. It was fucking hysterical. Definitely go check one out if you get a chance.

A masked man walks into a sperm bank holding a gun. He points it at the woman behind the counter and says, "open the safe!"

The woman nervously says, "sir this isn't that kind of bank, this is a sperm bank, we don't have any money."

The man says, "I don't care, do what I say or I'll shoot, now open the safe." The woman does what she is told.

"Now take out a jar and drink it."

Without thinking the woman grabs a jar full of sperm and gulps it down.

The masked man takes off his mask and it turns out to be the woman's husband.

Her husband says, "Now was that so difficult?"

Monday Minute B*tch

2011-03-28T07:46:00.000-04:00

I haven't done the Monday Minute in over a month. I miss it and I know you miss my answers. So here it goes...

1) Where do you get your pizza from?

Most people don't know it but the Keebler Elves make other things besides cookies. They can make a mean supreme pizza, lots of sauce, that's how I like it.

(2) How would you define your decorating style?

A cross between Hulk Hogan and Elton John with a hint of Carrot Top

(3) Where do you regularly buy your clothes?

I wouldn't call it buying but I go to random laundromats and find what I need. Sometimes it costs me a few quarters.

(4) What was the last clothing item you purchased?

A sequent cape from Capes R' Us

(5) What do you prefer in your home: candles or flowers?

I was told to not answer this question. You will have to speak to my lawyer.

Wrap Review

2011-03-25T07:37:00.001-04:00

Have you ever eaten something so delicious that you thought about it for the next few days? It recently happened to me. When something is really tasty I act like Adam Richman from Man vs. Food. I would love to have his job. Eating for a living has to be one of the coolest jobs to have. I get so hungry watching his show. I want to travel across the U.S. and eat everywhere he has eaten. I am getting a little off track here.

At Nicole's house there are usually flour tortilla wraps and I love a good wrap. Usually my expectations are high for the wraps that I make but they are never as good as I hoped they would be....until now. I will just list the ingredients and you can decide for yourself.

- Jalapeno cheddar flavored tortilla wrap
- baked chicken but into pieces
- Sweet Baby Ray's BBQ Sauce (This stuff is phenomenal and I put it on everything)
- Extra sharp cheddar cheese
- Monterey jack cheese with jalapenos
- Red peppers
- Green peppers
- Jalapeno slices

I suck at actually wrapping up the wraps, I can never get the ends to close right. I have Nicole wrap it for me because she knows the proper technique (she must have taken a wrap wrapping class or something). What's cool is that the jalapeno cheddar wrap was a little thicker than the normal ones so it didn't crack and held the same shape. It was lightly toasted in a toaster oven until it was sealed. I forget how long it was in there for but it achieved the perfect crispiness and everything was sealed in there, nothing was spilling out the sides.

Oh the first bite was so delectable. A perfect mix of cheese, spice and sweet (I am salivating on the keyboard as I type this). After eating half of it I thought about framing it in a display case for all to see and bask in its glory but that would be wasting a perfectly good wrap. I hate wasted food. How it tasted was almost orgasmic (I had to check my pants to make sure, they were a little moist). If only I could have cloned it before I ate it so that I could enjoy it again. It was by far the best wrap I had ever made. I am in the process of building a time machine so I can go back and enjoy it over and over again. I can't seem to find a flux capacitor though, anyone have one lying around?

As an added bonus I got to eat the other half of Nicole's wrap. Not as good as mind but still pretty tasty. Her wrap didn't have the spice mine did. I hope to make-shift another wrap in hopes it tastes the same. Wish me luck. To the Bat Kitchen!!

Weird Laws: Part XII

2011-03-22T07:21:00.000-04:00

The next installment of U.S. weird laws.

ILLINOIS

In Galesburg it is illegal to maintain an animal that disturbs others with it's odor or noise. Fran Drescher is banned from this town.

In Galesburg it is illegal for a bicycler to practice any acrobatic or fancy riding on any street. Is riding with no hands considered fancy?

INDIANA

It is illegal to inhale glue fumes. What will the elementary school kids do at recess?

It is illegal for a liquor store to sell candy. Good thing I get my liquor at the candy store.

IOWA

Tanning salons are required to post warnings about sunburns. I am going to recommend that these warning signs be posted at the beach. People are unaware of sunburns.

In Cedar Rapids it is illegal to tell fortunes. I was wondering why I never saw any gypsies there.

KANSAS

In Derby it is illegal to damage vending machines. I don't care about the law. If that machine takes my dollar I am opening up a can of whoop-ass on it.

In Overland Park it is illegal to picket funerals. I guess they will have to stick to picketing weddings, birthdays and hide 'n' seek.

KENTUCKY

Any person who interferes with a public speech can be fine up to $500. That goes for crying babies as well.

It is illegal to sell dyed chicks unless you are selling more than 6 of them. It's because you have to have all the colors of the rainbow.

LOUISIANA

Fake boxing or wrestling matches are against the law. Hulk Hogan isn't going to like this.

It is illegal to make insulting remarks to a contestant at a boxing match. If he punches like a girl he is going to hear it from my megaphone.

Forewords

2011-03-17T04:27:00.000-04:00

How about a little game?

Each word in the two famous quotes below has been replaced with a word that comes right before it in the dictionary. What are the two related quotes?

1.) Twinge, twinge, litterbug staple, hovercraft hysterics won wharf Yorkie arduous!

2.) Threatened blimp Micah, sedulous hovercraft thew rumpus!

Answers: (Drag the mouse and highlight next to the number to reveal the answer)

1.) Twinkle, twinkle, little star, how I wonder what you are!

2.) Three blind mice, see how they run!

Trivia Corner: Round 10 (FINAL ROUND)

2011-03-10T03:17:00.001-05:00

Time for the final round folks. If you don't know the rules read ahead. If you have played before you can skip to the questions.

The game is simple. I pose some trivia question from random categories and you have to give me your answers to earn some points. The first question is usually multiple choice and the rest you have to figure out for yourself. Each question is worth a different amount of points depending on its difficulty and just because I made it worth that many points. There are some guidelines that I do ask you to follow.

They are as such:
(1) Email me your answers to Reviewsyoucantuse@gmail.com. You don't need all the answers, its fine if you only guess one. I will only accept emailed answers because I will be turning off the comments for trivia. (Some people like to spoil it by posting the answers in a comment)
(2) No cheating. Looking the answers up on the Internet takes the fun out of the game. Be honest and a good sport.
(3) Questions will be posted on Tuesdays and the answers will be posted on Wednesdays. Get your answers in on time.
(4) Have fun!!

I will keep track of everybody's points on the sidebar so you can see who is kicking who's ass. In the last game I posted the answers in a post. I am changing things up. I will now be posting the answers on the sidebar each week, just in case you missed the post and don't feel like scrolling down. There is going to be 10 rounds. Whoever has the most points after 10 rounds will be declared the winner and they will receive something special. What you ask? I will tell you sometime down the road. Well I think that is it, let's play!!

(1) Approximately, how many mosquitoes, taking one suck each, would it take to drain all the blood from the average human adult? (1 point)

(a) 300,000
(b) 750,000
(c) 1,000,000
(d) 1,200,000
(e) 1,600,000

(2) What deadly virus is named for a river? (2 points)

(3) What gift did Pope Paul VI give Mother Teresa at the conclusion of his 1964 visit with her in India? (3 points)

(4) A wax likeness of what famous American is on display in the Eiffel Tower? (4 points)

(5) What is Acrorthosis? (5 points)

Bonus Question: What was my first car? (10 pts) Extra 5 pts for guessing correct year.

Remember to email me your answers to Reviewsyoucantuse@gmail.com. If you want the questions emailed to you in advance let me know.

The Easter Bunny ate my sandwich

2011-03-04T07:25:00.000-05:00

I miss blogging. I didn't expect this school semester to be so busy. I have so much homework and projects to do plus I work overnight so my sleep schedule is erratic. I haven't read a blog in over two weeks and the only things I have been posting are the Trivia Corners. Oh and this rant. I have spring break coming up in a week so hopefully I can try to catch up a little with visiting blogs are writing some fun stuff. Just wanted to let the people that care know that I'm still here just very, very busy. If blogging paid me then I would be on it like a fat kid on a cupcake. But blogging doesn't rank very high on the priority list. If I have missed a really awesome post that you think I would like let me know in a comment. Talk to you guys soon................. I hope.

Trivia Corner: Round 9

2011-03-01T15:11:00.001-05:00

Time for round 9 folks. If you don't know the rules read ahead. If you have played before you can skip to the questions.

The game is simple. I pose some trivia question from random categories and you have to give me your answers to earn some points. The first question is usually multiple choice and the rest you have to figure out for yourself. Each question is worth a different amount of points depending on its difficulty and just because I made it worth that many points. There are some guidelines that I do ask you to follow.

They are as such:
(1) Email me your answers to Reviewsyoucantuse@gmail.com. You don't need all the answers, its fine if you only guess one. I will only accept emailed answers because I will be turning off the comments for trivia. (Some people like to spoil it by posting the answers in a comment)
(2) No cheating. Looking the answers up on the Internet takes the fun out of the game. Be honest and a good sport.
(3) Questions will be posted on Tuesdays and the answers will be posted on Wednesdays. Get your answers in on time.
(4) Have fun!!

I will keep track of everybody's points on the sidebar so you can see who is kicking who's ass. In the last game I posted the answers in a post. I am changing things up. I will now be posting the answers on the sidebar each week, just in case you missed the post and don't feel like scrolling down. There is going to be 10 rounds. Whoever has the most points after 10 rounds will be declared the winner and they will receive something special. What you ask? I will tell you sometime down the road. Well I think that is it, let's play!!

(1) What were the first animals to fly into deep space and circle the moon? (1 point)

(a) tortoises
(b) dogs
(c)monkeys
(d) rabbits
(e) snakes

(2) What flavor was a big flop for Jell-O in 1942? (2 points)

(3) What does chop suey mean in Chinese? (3 points)

(4) What did Yippie leaders Abbie Hoffman and Jerry Rubin nominate for president at the Democratic National Convention in Chicago in 1968? (4 points)

(5) What two Grammy firsts did Sinead O'Connor achieve with her hit album I Do Not Want What I Haven't Got? (5 points)

Remember to email me your answers to Reviewsyoucantuse@gmail.com. If you want the questions emailed to you in advance let me know.

Trivia Corner: Round 8

2011-02-23T07:53:00.000-05:00

Time for round 8 folks. If you don't know the rules read ahead. If you have played before you can skip to the questions.

The game is simple. I pose some trivia question from random categories and you have to give me your answers to earn some points. The first question is usually multiple choice and the rest you have to figure out for yourself. Each question is worth a different amount of points depending on its difficulty and just because I made it worth that many points. There are some guidelines that I do ask you to follow.

They are as such:
(1) Email me your answers to Reviewsyoucantuse@gmail.com. You don't need all the answers, its fine if you only guess one. I will only accept emailed answers because I will be turning off the comments for trivia. (Some people like to spoil it by posting the answers in a comment)
(2) No cheating. Looking the answers up on the Internet takes the fun out of the game. Be honest and a good sport.
(3) Questions will be posted on Tuesdays and the answers will be posted on Wednesdays. Get your answers in on time.
(4) Have fun!!

I will keep track of everybody's points on the sidebar so you can see who is kicking who's ass. In the last game I posted the answers in a post. I am changing things up. I will now be posting the answers on the sidebar each week, just in case you missed the post and don't feel like scrolling down. There is going to be 10 rounds. Whoever has the most points after 10 rounds will be declared the winner and they will receive something special. What you ask? I will tell you sometime down the road. Well I think that is it, let's play!!

(1) In how many film comedies did funnymen Gene Wilder and Richard Pryor appear together? (1 point)

(a) 2
(b) 3
(c) 4
(d) 5
(e) 6

(2) What percent of their net income did U.S. couples in the top tax bracket pay during the Eisenhower administration? (2 points)

(3) What were the founders of the Plymouth Colony, the early settlers we refer to today as Pilgrims, known as when they fled religious persecution in England? (3 points)

(4) How did Christopher Columbus describe the shape of the earth in a letter he wrote following his third voyage to the New World? (4 points)

(5) What famous American political figure wrote and published a "letter of advice" on the subject of choosing a mistress? (5 points)

Remember to email me your answers to Reviewsyoucantuse@gmail.com. If you want the questions emailed to you in advance let me know.

This post has been modified to fit your computer screen

2011-02-18T12:07:00.000-05:00

I have kind of been MIA these past two weeks in the blogosphere. Last week I had a lot of homework and not much time for anything. This week I have been ill which clouds my brain's creative juices. I am still feeling a little woozy and I will probably be all better by Monday. I'm sorry I haven't been around leaving comments and poking everyone's funny bone. Hopefully I will be back on track next week. I finally got up this week's trivia answers and the scoreboard is updated. Of course Pat is still winning as usual.

I will leave you with this joke:

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

Hold on a minute, it's going to take me a little while to get hard, I just came out of that chick.

Trivia Corner: Round 7

2011-02-15T08:00:00.001-05:00

Time for round 7 folks. If you don't know the rules read ahead. If you have played before you can skip to the questions.

The game is simple. I pose some trivia question from random categories and you have to give me your answers to earn some points. The first question is usually multiple choice and the rest you have to figure out for yourself. Each question is worth a different amount of points depending on its difficulty and just because I made it worth that many points. There are some guidelines that I do ask you to follow.

They are as such:
(1) Email me your answers to Reviewsyoucantuse@gmail.com. You don't need all the answers, its fine if you only guess one. I will only accept emailed answers because I will be turning off the comments for trivia. (Some people like to spoil it by posting the answers in a comment)
(2) No cheating. Looking the answers up on the Internet takes the fun out of the game. Be honest and a good sport.
(3) Questions will be posted on Tuesdays and the answers will be posted on Wednesdays. Get your answers in on time.
(4) Have fun!!

I will keep track of everybody's points on the sidebar so you can see who is kicking who's ass. In the last game I posted the answers in a post. I am changing things up. I will now be posting the answers on the sidebar each week, just in case you missed the post and don't feel like scrolling down. There is going to be 10 rounds. Whoever has the most points after 10 rounds will be declared the winner and they will receive something special. What you ask? I will tell you sometime down the road. Well I think that is it, let's play!!

(1) How long after undergoing arthroscopic knee surgery did runner Joan Benoit successfully compete in the 1984 U.S. Olympic trials for the women's marathon? (1 point)

(a) 6 days
(b) 10 days
(c) 17 days
(d) 24 days
(e) 31 days

(2) Which comic book hero was the first to acquire superpowers as the result of a lab accident? (2 points)

(3) What was the name of the white Maltese dog that was bequeathed a $12 million trust fund by Leona Helmsley? (3 points)

(4) Which two Oscar-nominated movies were filmed in the same small town where the 1956 epic Giant was shot? (4 points) 2 extra points if you can name the town

(5) For what sport did country singer Garth Brooks receive a partial athletic scholarship from Oklahoma State University? (5 points)

Remember to email me your answers to Reviewsyoucantuse@gmail.com. If you want the questions emailed to you in advance let me know.

Trivia Corner: Round 6

2011-02-08T13:11:00.000-05:00

Time for round 6 folks. If you don't know the rules read ahead. If you have played before you can skip to the questions.

The game is simple. I pose some trivia question from random categories and you have to give me your answers to earn some points. The first question is usually multiple choice and the rest you have to figure out for yourself. Each question is worth a different amount of points depending on its difficulty and just because I made it worth that many points. There are some guidelines that I do ask you to follow.

They are as such:
(1) Email me your answers to Reviewsyoucantuse@gmail.com. You don't need all the answers, its fine if you only guess one. I will only accept emailed answers because I will be turning off the comments for trivia. (Some people like to spoil it by posting the answers in a comment)
(2) No cheating. Looking the answers up on the Internet takes the fun out of the game. Be honest and a good sport.
(3) Questions will be posted on Tuesdays and the answers will be posted on Wednesdays. Get your answers in on time.
(4) Have fun!!

I will keep track of everybody's points on the sidebar so you can see who is kicking who's ass. In the last game I posted the answers in a post. I am changing things up. I will now be posting the answers on the sidebar each week, just in case you missed the post and don't feel like scrolling down. There is going to be 10 rounds. Whoever has the most points after 10 rounds will be declared the winner and they will receive something special. What you ask? I will tell you sometime down the road. Well I think that is it, let's play!!

(1) How much does the average human eyeball weigh? (1 point)

(a) 0.2645 oz
(b) 0.3315 oz
(c) 0.5500 oz
(d) 0.1265 oz
(e) 0.3334 oz

(2) What luxury ocean liner was the first to have a heated swimming pool? (2 points)

(3) What sports car is named for a relative of the crocodile? (3 points)

(4) What famous royal was buried with a plaster cast of a hand? (4 points)

(5) What is the maximum diameter allowed for a regulation pro baseball bat? (5 points)

Remember to email me your answers to Reviewsyoucantuse@gmail.com. If you want the questions emailed to you in advance let me know.

Q&A with a Special Guest

2011-02-03T08:05:00.000-05:00

We have a special guest on the show today. Welcome to 'Just the Cheese' none other than the Pillsbury Doughboy. He is here to just hang out and answer questions from the audience. Before the show everyone in the audience was given a blank index card to write one question that they wanted to ask Mr. Doughboy. I will randomly pick them one at a time from this oversize sombrero. I will have the person that wrote the question come down and ask it directly to Mr. Doughboy.

PTM: Are you ready Pillsbury Doughboy?

Pillsbury Doughboy: Like a diabetic in a game of arm-darts!

PTM: Would you mind if I called you PD for short?

Pillsbury Doughboy: If we're going to be chummy, I'd prefer HotBlast GooMan.

PTM: Are you ready audience?

Audience: YEAH!!

PTM: Here we go. The first question is from Claudia Gaynes. (An old woman probably in her 80's slowly comes down with a walker) Any day now lady, we only have an hour show.

Claudia: Mr. Doughboy, does your mother know that you are a nudist?

PD: She still lives in the old country (Germany), so anything outside of genocide, tourism and alcohol abuse is alien to her. I'm not even sure they have a word for nudity/nudism: they'd probably think you were talking about some misanthropic philosopher or a way to groom flowers.

PTM: Wow tough first question. Let's see who is next. Gary Shiffing, come one down. (A portly man with a hot dog in his hand comes down) Where did you get that hot dog?

Gary: I brought it from home. Mr. Doughman, who is your favorite muppet and why?

PD: Justin Bieber. His hair is...uh...very absorbent. (Looks around awkwardly...) Do you have a cigarette?

PTM: A strange question coming from a man who brought his own lunch. The next question goes to Agnes Yurkelvoss. (An older woman wearing too much makeup comes down) I'm glad I didn't have a name like that growing up, ouch.

Agnes: It was my grandmother's name passed down you bastard. PD, is it true that you stole your delicious croissant recipe from Betty Crocker?

PD: Horseshit! That two bit hustling sack of waste stalked me for months, harassing my friends, sleeping outside my house, eating things off my floor! until I agreed to give her brother-in-law a job in one of our factories as a compromise. (Mumbles to self...) When will I be free from that sick woman's mind?

PTM: Oooh scandalous. Mitchell Stork, you are the next contestant on The Price is.... wait wrong show. Come down anyway. (A boy who looks to be about 6 or 6 1/2 holding a rubber duckie runs downs to the stage) I think we have a lost child.

Mitchell: (runs straight to PD and gives him a big hug) Oh my god, it's really you!! I love your cinnamon rolls!! Did you bring any with you, did ya?

PD: What?! No! Take your filthy, booger-picking, midget, neglected hands off me! I should throw up in your mouth! (High-pitched) Woo-hoom!

PTM: Security, please find this kid's parents or guardians. Who let's their kid come to this kind of show? Mary Rose Adams you have the next question. (Silence in the audience) Mary Rose Adams, are you here? (Every one looks around) Does anybody know sign language? Maybe she is deaf. (Nobody speaks up) I guess I will have to read her question for her. Pillsbury Doughboy, who do you think would win in a fight, you or Powdered Toast Man? Ha this is an easy question. I could kick the snot out of this pile of dough.

PD: Don't flatter yourself, chump. I might look soft and pudgy, but beneath this shapeless form I'm all man. I could pound you into moth poop. (Stares determinedly at PTM for several moments...)

PTM: And the next question goes to Peter Puleski.... Peter, you are the cameraman. How many times do I have to tell you that you can't participate in the show? You have to work the camera. Furthermore, this question doesn't even make sense. Why would he know where your bowling ball is? Get back to work!!

Peter: Sorry, I've asked everyone I know so I took a shot in the dark. I don't know where that ball could be.

PTM: Have you checked your trunk?

Peter: Uhh No. I'll be right back. (Peter runs out the exit)

PTM: Stop!! Who is going to work the camera?!?! Someone remind me to fire him after the show. Enough of these shenanigans We have time for one final question. William Clinton, come ask your question. (Former President Bill Clinton graciously walks down to the stage) Oh my god, Mr. President, welcome to the show. I'm speechless. (Bill puts out his hand, PTM just stares at it for a second) Nice to meet you sir. You have a question for the Pillsbury Doughboy?

Bill Clinton: Yes I do. Mr. Doughboy, did you have sexual relations with that woman?

PD: Well, I can say this much: I know at least one place Peter hasn't looked for his bowling ball....

PTM: Wowzer!! I have a more personal question to ask Mr. Doughboy so I will save it for after the show when we can have some privacy. Well that is our show. I would like to thank the Pillsbury Doughboy for stopping by and answering some pertinent questions. Join us next time when we will have another special guest stop by and entertain us. I am going to help Peter look for his bowling ball.

I would to thank my friend Rich for playing the part of the Pillsbury Doughboy. His answers were raunchy and disturbing. I would send you to his blog but he doesn't have one. He isn't one of the cool kids yet.

Trivia Corner: Round 5

2011-02-01T12:33:00.000-05:00

Time for round 5 folks. If you don't know the rules read ahead. If you have played before you can skip to the questions.

The game is simple. I pose some trivia question from random categories and you have to give me your answers to earn some points. The first question is usually multiple choice and the rest you have to figure out for yourself. Each question is worth a different amount of points depending on its difficulty and just because I made it worth that many points. There are some guidelines that I do ask you to follow.

They are as such:
(1) Email me your answers to Reviewsyoucantuse@gmail.com. You don't need all the answers, its fine if you only guess one. I will only accept emailed answers because I will be turning off the comments for trivia. (Some people like to spoil it by posting the answers in a comment)
(2) No cheating. Looking the answers up on the Internet takes the fun out of the game. Be honest and a good sport.
(3) Questions will be posted on Tuesdays and the answers will be posted on Wednesdays. Get your answers in on time.
(4) Have fun!!

I will keep track of everybody's points on the sidebar so you can see who is kicking who's ass. In the last game I posted the answers in a post. I am changing things up. I will now be posting the answers on the sidebar each week, just in case you missed the post and don't feel like scrolling down. There is going to be 10 rounds. Whoever has the most points after 10 rounds will be declared the winner and they will receive something special. What you ask? I will tell you sometime down the road. Well I think that is it, let's play!!

(1) How many ridges on there on a quarter? (1 point)

(a) 78
(b) 119
(c) 37
(d) 141
(e) 94

(2) What do you call a group of swans? (2 points)

(3) Who is Charlie Brown's favorite baseball player? (3 points)

(4) What is the only female animal with antlers? (4 points)

(5) What singer's backup group is known as the Harlettes? (5 points)

Remember to email me your answers to Reviewsyoucantuse@gmail.com. If you want the questions emailed to you in advance let me know.

Monday Minute (It's Monday right?)

2011-01-31T12:01:00.000-05:00

I haven't done the Monday Minute in two weeks. I know I have disappointed all my loyal fans. I will send the two of you fruit baskets as an apology. Link up with Cristy if you want to participate.

(1) What's your favorite time of day?

When I am at IHOP.

(2) Do you and your significant other send sexy texts?

Is she sending them to you too? I will tell her to stop.

(3) If you got your dream job anywhere in the US, where would you choose to move to?

Canada. Didn't we buy that country like two years ago?

(4) What are you wearing?

A layer of nutella, a pirate hat made from my underwear, one knee-high sock, two capes, elbow pads and jumper cables.

(5) If given a choice to skip work for a day, how would you spend the entire day?

Giving all the chickens in the U.S. a survey with one question: Which came first the chicken or the rooster?

A Post about Something

2011-01-28T05:51:00.000-05:00

I normally don't talk about my real life on this blog because that is not what this blog is about. However I like to keep those who care updated on the good stuff. I also find random humor that I make up off the top of my head more humorous than my actual life.

Last semester was my first full time semester at school. I had little free time. I worked and did homework when I wasn't at at school. I also had to squeeze in some quality time with Nicole. Let's just say it was a busy four months. Well somehow I managed to pull out five A's. My grandma thinks I am a genius, she may be on to something. I am a bit of an over achiever now than compared to what I was like in high school. That can be summed up in one word; lazy. I had a month off before this current semester started. I have no idea where it went. First it was Christmas and then I was starting classes again. I have no idea what I did in the past 4-5 weeks. I plan to get straight A's again this semester. I'm pretty sure teachers accept bribes nowadays if I don't get the grades I want.

In other news there has been some progress on the wedding front. Last week on Wednesday the 19th between the hours of 5 pm and 6pm, Nicole and I booked our DJ, photographer and videographer. We have no money so we had to sign over our future 2nd born, my kidney, her engagement ring, and half of my DVD collection. It was either sign those things over or Nicole have sex with the guy. I had no problem going with option 'B' but Nicole apparently had the final say.
So far we have our wedding date (October 20, 2012), our venue and our entertainment/photography. I also have her wedding ring. It came with her engagement ring as a matching set. She still needs to get my ring. The one I want has a laser pointer on it. I know I'm fancy like that.
We are going to a bridal show at our venue on Super Bowl Sunday. Don't worry guys, it's from 12-5 so I won't miss any of the game. I'm not a complete fool. I'm going to support Nicole and for all the delicious food. Should be exciting.

In other news I love cheese.

Trivia Corner: Round 4

2011-01-25T14:11:00.000-05:00

Time for round 4 folks. If you don't know the rules read ahead. If you have played before you can skip to the questions.

The game is simple. I pose some trivia question from random categories and you have to give me your answers to earn some points. The first question is usually multiple choice and the rest you have to figure out for yourself. Each question is worth a different amount of points depending on its difficulty and just because I made it worth that many points. There are some guidelines that I do ask you to follow.

They are as such:
(1) Email me your answers to Reviewsyoucantuse@gmail.com. You don't need all the answers, its fine if you only guess one. I will only accept emailed answers because I will be turning off the comments for trivia. (Some people like to spoil it by posting the answers in a comment)
(2) No cheating. Looking the answers up on the Internet takes the fun out of the game. Be honest and a good sport.
(3) Questions will be posted on Tuesdays and the answers will be posted on Wednesdays. Get your answers in on time.
(4) Have fun!!

I will keep track of everybody's points on the sidebar so you can see who is kicking who's ass. In the last game I posted the answers in a post. I am changing things up. I will now be posting the answers on the sidebar each week, just in case you missed the post and don't feel like scrolling down. There is going to be 10 rounds. Whoever has the most points after 10 rounds will be declared the winner and they will receive something special. What you ask? I will tell you sometime down the road. Well I think that is it, let's play!!

(1) What name did movie producer George Lucas originally intend to give the archaeologist-adventurer we know as Indiana Jones? (1 point)

(a) Indiana Smith
(b) Indiana Stevenson
(c) Swifty Jones
(d) Professor Indy
(e) Dr. Jones
(2) For what product, still being sold today, were the first promotional coupons offered more than 100 years ago? (2 points)

(3) What was the modern aerosol can's first use after it was invented by scientists working for the U.S. Dept. of Agriculture in the early 1940s? (3 points)

(4) What is the name of the main street in Eleanor, West Virginia? (4 points)

(5) What 1935 tragedy is referred to as Black Sunday? (5 points)

Remember to email me your answers to Reviewsyoucantuse@gmail.com. If you want the questions emailed to you in advance let me know.

Top Ten Songs - Music Blogfest

2011-01-24T05:00:00.001-05:00

If you have no idea what this is then you should visit Alex J. Cavanaugh who is the host of this here blogfest.
I shouldn't of waited until the last second to come up with this list. I think I had more than a month to think about it. The due date came up so fast. One day I will learn not to wait until the last minute but I doubt it. I think it may be instinctual. This is a much harder list to come up with than favorite movies or actors. There are so many damn good tunes out there. So in no particular order, I will give it a go.

Song - Artist

Tiny Dancer - Elton John (Probably my all time favorite song)

Summer of '69 - Bryan Adams

Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) - Green Day

Wonderwall - Oasis

Machinehead - Bush

Fortunate Son - Creedance Clearwater Revival

Keep on Loving You - REO Speedwagon

Shackled - Vertical Horizon

Kryptonite - 3 Doors Down

Ramble On - Led Zeppelin

I would highly recommend looking up any songs on here you don't know and giving it a listen. Okay I could probably redo this list like 20 times and still not be happy with what I put. This is my first draft and I am keeping it this way otherwise I will never be happy with it. I would put most of Green Day songs up there because they are my all time favorite band but I can't play favorites. Dammit!! I have so many alternates to put. Why can't this be a top 50 blogfest. Arrggghhh!!

Lame Joke of the Week or the Month or Maybe Even the Year

2011-01-21T08:03:00.002-05:00

Two cows are lying in a field. One of them says to the other, “So what do you think about this mad cow disease?”

The other says, “What do I care? I’m a helicopter.”