For some reason James Lipton is always sick and I, Powdered Toast Man have to fill in for him. I should just take over as the host of this show. I do more work than that overpaid pompous ass. One day the producers of this show will get their heads out of their asses and figure that out for themselves. Enough about me, let's get on to the meat and potatoes of this program. Today, as always, we have a very special guest. Here with us today is none other than Captain Planet (cue Captain Planet theme music).
PTM: Thanks for being with us here today.
Captain Planet: No problem PTM, I'm glad to be here. Better than that fucking old folks home I'm stuck in.
PTM: Do you mind if I call you CP?
CP: Go ahead, just don't call me late for dinner. I'm serious, at the home, they feed us dinner at 4:30 and if I miss it I don't eat again until breakfast the next day.
PTM: Sorry to hear that. I notice that your hair isn't green anymore. Are you going for a new look?
CP: No, it just got too expensive to keep dying my hair green all the time and saving the planet isn't really a lucrative job.
PTM: You know what has always bothered me? How come you wore a belly shirt and banana hammock all the time?
CP: Isn't it obvious? To show off my tan rock hard abs and huge package. GTL!!
PTM: You watch Jersey Shore don't you?
CP: Watch it? I lived it. That show it what my life was like outside of helping those stupid kids save the planet. I am The Situation.
PTM: No you're not and never say that again or I will have to punch you in the face. Let's move on. Do you keep in touch with any of the planeteers?
CP: Only Linka and that's because we have 3 kids together. I am paying out of my ass in child support.
PTM: Must be tough paying for all that and your living expenses.
CP: Tell me about it, that greedy bitch won't let up. I had to sell a lot of my Exxon Mobil and BP stock to pay for those snotty nosed mistakes.
PTM: So I guess you never got married?
CP: Hell no, I don't need no bitch dragging me down. I'm a playa, I can get any woman any day of the week.
PTM: And how is that working out for you?
CP: (starts crying uncontrollably) I'm so lonely, why won't anyone love me? (gives PTM a hug while crying into his chest).
PTM: Whoa there, it's okay, I'm sure you will find somebody. (pats CP on the head)
CP: I'm a failure!! This planet is shit and it's all my fault!!
PTM: That's true, it probably is. You were terrible at your job but don't beat yourself up over it. George W. Bush was terrible at his job and he's doing just fine. You know what I'm going to do for you? I'm going to get you a nice prostitute to cheer you up, on me. How does that sound?
CP: If you think it would help. Can she be Asian with really big tits?
PTM: Whatever you want. Now suck it up and be a man, hookers don't like cry babies. And that is all the time we have today. Join us next time where we will have another washed up actor. Good bye.