Wednesday, June 29, 2011

The Truth Behind Nursery Rhymes

I know I have touched on a few of these in the past in my random thoughts posts. Let us take a closer look at nursery rhymes, children stories and songs.

Rock-a-Bye-Baby – This song is usually sung to a child to help them fall asleep. Why would a song about a baby falling out of a tree make a child sleepy? That would scare the crap out of some kid. Who is putting babies in trees is what I want to know. And somehow we accept this as a song to sing to our children. I don’t know which is more screwed up; the person who created the song or the people singing it to their kids.

Rub-a-dub-dub – I support homosexuality and stuff but what is this song about? Why would 3 grown men be bathing together? That is sending a strange message to kids.

Goldilocks and the Three Bears – Teaching kids that it is alright to break into someone’s house, eat their food and sleep in their bed.

Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe – This old woman was obviously on welfare; single mom, lots of kids and no husband or father figure around.

Little Red Riding Hood – What mother would send their young daughter into the woods all by themselves? And why is grandma living all alone deep in the forest? The grandmother is sick, why wouldn’t they go pick her up and bring her back to their house?

Hansel & Gretel – Another tale about kids wandering through the woods. Where are the parents in these stories?

Jack & Jill – Seems like a harmless tale when you read it but at the end Jack splits his head open. I’m sure that’s what we should be telling our kids.

Humpty Dumpty – The truth is that Humpty committed suicide. It was not an accident. How could all the king’s horses put Humpty back together anyhow? Horses are not the best option for putting an egg back together, they have no hands. And how messed up is his name? It’s part Hump and part Dump.

Ring Around the Rosey – This song is actually about the black plague. WTF?!?

3 Little Pigs – Why couldn’t the wolf catch the two pigs that got their houses blown down? I’m assuming that wolves are faster than pigs.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Battle of Sesame Street: Round 3

I don't know what happened in the last battle but Elmo never had a chance. The Count swooped in there with his cape blowing in the wind and laid the smack down on that fur ball. Now we have The Count and Oscar moving on to the next round. Before we get there we have 2 more 1st round matches left.And today's battle is........




Big Bird
vs
Cookie Monster


PTM: These battles are getting tougher and tougher to vote on. And today we are going to ask the really tough questions. I'm going to ask both of you the same set of questions. You both will alternate after each question. Are you ready?

Bird Bird & Cookie Monster: Yes!!

PTM: Here we go, first question, Big Bird you're first. What is the strangest thing you have done sexually?

Big Bird: I don't remember much  of it but I know it involved a pickle, jar of mayo, boxing gloves, an empty wine bottle, duct tape, a picture of Bob Saget and a blow dryer. My mouth was sore and I had bruises on my thighs.

Cookie Monster: I used raw cookie dough to masturbate with while watching Cake Boss.

PTM: You two are freaks. Next question, Cookie you're up first now.Have you ever had a sex dream about someone on the show? And what was it about?

Cookie Monster: Aloysius Snuffleupagus was dressed up like little Bo Peep. 

Big Bird: I dreamt that I had sex with my clone. It was amazing.

PTM: Getting weirder guys. How do you really feel about each other?

Big Bird: I don't know how Cookie Monster hasn't gotten Diabetes yet. All he does is eat cookies and sugary snack foods. I'm worried he is going to die young. Pick up a carrot once in awhile you douche.

Cookie Monster: At least I don't sit in my dressing room praying to God for the ability to lay eggs. You are an 8 foot tall male freak bird, get used to it. 

PTM: It's getting pretty heated in here. Last question before you two duel. Tell us something no one knows about you.

Cookie Monster: I took a shit in Oscar's garbage can while he was sleeping. He never knew who it was until now. Take that asshole!!

Big Bird: Before I landed this job I used to work at KFC. It was the only job that my parole officer could get me at the time. I went to jail for dealing crack.

PTM: I think it is safe to say that we have learned way to much about these two today. Now go to the locker room and get ready to duke it out.

Who do you like better? Big Bird of Cookie Monster? Cast your vote or Kermit the Frog will come by your house and beat you with a sack full of door knobs. Polls close Friday at 11:59 PM.

Friday, June 24, 2011

BBQ Review


Last week Nicole graduated from the LPN (Licensed Practical Nurse) program at BOCES. Now I can put her to work so I can buy that pony I never got as a kid. To celebrate, her family and I went out to dinner at a new BBQ place, American BBQ and 151 Bar & Grill. I was super excited because I don’t often go out for bbq; there aren’t many places around where I live.

This joint has a nice homey feeling and we were seated at a big comfy booth in the corner. I was salivating just looking over the menu which had a nice variety. What’s awesome is Nicole’s dad loves to eat and he usually orders a lot of food. This night was no exception. For our appetizers we started off with some corn fritters. We got two orders. The waitress said each order came with about 10 each but there had to be at least 15 in each order. I’ve had some pretty good corn fritters before but these were phenomenal. I would like to use the term melt in your mouth. I’m thinking about stopping by after work just for an order of those bad boys.

I probably don’t even need to tell you the rest of the food we got; you probably want to go just based on the corn fritters. We also got nachos but these weren’t any old nachos, they were topped with pulled pork, yes you read that right, pulled pork. I added some chipotle bbq sauce and jalapenos to the ones I ate. I might have to put some bbq sauce on my keyboard and take a bite just to get a fix right now. Oh yeah, there was also a salad bar with all the fixings but I can’t make salad sound better than it is so I will move on to the main course.

We ordered what was called the 151 Feast. It came with a smoked chicken, brisket, pulled pork, ribs and four sides that we got to pick. We chose homemade mac ‘n’ cheese, collard greens, biscuits & gravy and sweet potato tater tots (which I have never heard of or seen before). I have never had smoked chicken before this night. It had such a great flavor to it. The brisket and pulled pork were of course delicious. The ribs, oh my, the ribs, fell clean off the bone, so tender. I added bbq sauce to everything cuz I love me some bbq sauce. Nicole also got a burger that was topped with pulled pork, genius!! I’m going to put pulled pork on my cereal and see how it tastes; it seems it can be put on anything.

To wash down all this deliciousness I had a Sam Adams Summer Ale. We were so stuffed that we couldn’t fit in any dessert but we have to got back for some because they had something called fried cheesecake, intrigued? I know I am. There were so many leftovers, which is one of the best parts of eating out, right? I ate bbq for the next two days for lunch. The aroma of it cooking in the microwave was almost orgasmic.

Not only was the food out of this world but the waitress was super friendly and very attentive; it may have been because we were like the only people there. I hate tipping because I am a cheap-ass but I would of tipped extra for her (Nicole’s father picked up the tab, mmmm free food). Great service just makes the dining experience that much better. I don’t think I can think of anything I didn’t like about the place. I am definitely planning on going back again real soon. Now wipe the drool off your keyboard so you can leave me a comment regarding your jealousy.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Reviews You Can't Use

 

Fast Five - I know I waited too long to review this one but I don’t care. Maybe my review will sway you to rent or buy the DVD. I didn’t get my hopes up in seeing this movie since it was the fifth movie of the Fast and Furious series. I have to say I was blown away. It is the best Fast & Furious since the original. Very action packed plus it had The Rock in it and how can you go wrong with that? I gotta tell ya, if I had a vagina I would get all hot and sweaty watching Vin Diesel and The Rock (or Dwayne Johnson for all you non wresting fans) duke it out. Maybe they have a kissing scene in the movie. You won’t know until you see it.

The Hangover: Part 2 – Obviously this one can’t match what the first one had but it was still pretty funny. I think a lot of people are being too critical of it. The only thing I didn’t like is that Justin Bartha got the short end of the stick again. They must have caught him stealing the boom mic or something. I heard they are already in the process of making The Hangover: Part 3. If they try the hangover plot again then it will suck. They need to do something totally different in order to be awesome.

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides – Johnny Depp is always awesome in whatever he is in and you don’t have to see the first three to enjoy this one. As an added extra for the guys and lesbian, Penelope Cruz looks hot in it. See it, don’t see it, I’ll sleep at night either way.

Now what if Alan from The Hangover somehow stumbled upon The Black Pearl from Pirates of the Caribbean? This is how I think it would play out.

Jack Sparrow finds Alan sleeping in his bed, he nudges Alan with his boot.

Jack Sparrow: What is the meaning of this? Who are you?

Alan: (mumbling in his sleep) No, mom, I want scrambie eggs, not fried.

Jack kicks him harder and Alan falls out of the bed. Alan wakes up.

Alan: What? Where am I? What did you do with Phil?

Jack: You are aboard the Black Pearl. Who’s Phil?

Alan: Phil is one of my best friends. I’ll sing the song in a minute. What did you do with my pager? What if Phil was trying to get in touch with me?

Jack: I don’t understand what you are saying. How did you get aboard my ship and into my bed?

Alan: I don’t know. All I remember from last night was there was a lot of drinking and a monkey. Why are you dressed like a pirate? Are you in some sort of play?

Jack: I’m Jack Sparrow.

Alan: Who? Do you do Disney on ice too?

Jack: I am Jack Sparrow, Captain of the Black Pearl. He pulls out his sword for emphasis.

Alan: Cool sword, do they give that to you or do you have to buy it yourself? I have my own light saber but it’s at home.

Jack: Crew, tie this idiot to the main mast.

Alan: I get to be in the show? Thanks Pete.

Jack: My name is Jack, you idiot.

Alan: Sorry, Jack, I’m not good with names.

Jack: Never mind, don’t tie him up. Just toss him overboard. I can’t take another minute of his mouth.

Alan: Way to stay in character. You are a good actor. I tried to be an actor once, I went by the name Jonathon Bobbit but everyone always laughed when I told them my name so I never got any callbacks.

Jack: Throw him overboard before I stab him to death first.

The crew lifts Alan up and prepares to throw him overboard

Jack: Any last words?

Alan: Do you have a Jack in the Box around here? I’m starving.

Jack: Throw him over

To be continued….

Find out another week what happens to Alan.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Battle of Sesame Street: Round 2

 
The next round of the Sesame Street Battle is upon us. Oscar must be invincible to super Grover because he wiped the floor with that blue freak. If you forgot to vote on the last round make sure you get it in for this one.



The Count
vs
Elmo



PTM: For a change of pace, I’m going to let the combatants ask me some questions. First up is The Count. Whatever you want to ask me Count, go ahead.

The Count: Can I take a little bite of your neck? I could use some blood.

PTM: You can try but you are going to get maple syrup instead of blood. You are better off biting my camera man.

The Count: I’ll take a nibble after the interview. Do you have a fear of toasters?

PTM: I was when I was a kid but I’m much more afraid of Abe Vigoda.

The Count: I don’t think he has any blood left, I think he is just skin. PTM, what is your favorite number?

PTM: My favorite number is 43,689. It’s the amount of times I got laid in college.

The Count fist bumps PTM

The Count: Do you know the best way to get rid of crabs? I’m itching like crazy down there.

PTM: First you want to bleach your whole groin area then add some lighter fluid and put a match to it. It’s going to burn pretty bad at first but that just means its working. Let it burn for about 2 to 3 minutes then throw some baby powder and vinegar on it to put it out. That should clear you up.

The Count: I will try that tomorrow. That is all the questions I have, now where is that cameraman?

PTM: Ok, Elmo, your turn to ask me some questions.

Elmo: Elmo excited to ask questions. How come Grover touches Elmo’s butt and then tells Elmo not to tell anyone?

PTM: Well Elmo, Grover is what we call a pedophile. He wants to do naughty things to you and he doesn’t want anyone to know about it because it’s illegal. Just let him do what he wants and eventually he will get bored and stop.
Elmo: Ok, PTM, if you think that’s best. Can I touch your abs?

PTM: Normally I don’t let anyone touch my abs but I can’t resist that cute face.

Elmo swipes his hand across PTMs’ abs.

Elmo: Ooooo, I could grate cheese over them. PTM, how can I get abs like yours?

PTM: Lots of steroids and a little plastic surgery.

Elmo: Thanks. How come you haven’t accepted my friend request on Myspace?

PTM: People still use that shit? I just assumed that Tom hung himself and the site was deleted. You can follow me on Twitter @ just_the_cheese (so can you as the reader, hint, hint).

Elmo: Elmo excited to follow Powdered Toast Man. That was my last question. I’m ready to battle The Count now.

You heard him folks, it is time for battle. Please either cast your vote for The Count or Elmo. You cannot vote for me, this goes for you Reputation@Stake. The polls will close on Friday the 24th at 11:59 PM. The next battle will happen on Monday the 27th. See you then (if not sooner).

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Sneak Peak


Coming up next week on ‘Just the Cheese’:

  • Battle of Sesame Street: Round 2 – See which Sesame Street characters are going to battle it out next.

  • A ‘review you can’s use’ of The Hangover: Part 2 and Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides. I was suppose to post this last week but I didn’t get a chance to write it.

  • Review of a new restaurant I dined at. I will make you want to eat your keyboard.

  • A new poll. I haven’t put up a poll in a long time. It will be something you can chat about at the water cooler (do people still talk at the water cooler?)

Friday, June 17, 2011

Weird Laws: Part 13

If you came here expecting my movie review post, it has been moved to next week. Here are the next set of weird laws of the U.S.

MAINE

In Biddeford it is illegal to gamble at an airport. There was a problem with a guy guessing too many planes going down in flames.

In Freeport it is illegal to sell mercury thermometers. Too many kids think it's candy and cut their tongue on the thermometer trying to get to it.

MARYLAND

In Rockville it is illegal to swim in public fountains. Probably because so many people pee in those things.

In Cumberland it is illegal to swear on a playground. How am I suppose to express myself when I want to use the slide?


MASSACHUSETTS

It is illegal to serve beer to hospital patients. Are they talking about in the hospital or at the bar? Cuz unless they are wearing their gown at the bar, I wouldn't know if they were a hospital patient.

It is against the law for shooting ranges to have targets that look like humans. I will just post my exes face on a target of a bear then.

MICHIGAN

It is illegal to sell cars on Sunday. All car sales people work part time as pastors and altar boys.

It is illegal to be drunk on a train. With a crane, heading to Tulane while eating chicken chow mein.

MINNESOTA

It is illegal to loiter near any structure or vehicle without the consent of the owner.What if I plan on stealing the car, do I need to give them a heads up?

In Minnetonka it is illegal to throw tacks, glass or nails onto a street or sidewalk. Dammit, that is how I celebrate 'step on something sharp day'.

MISSISSIPPI

It is illegal to seduce a woman by lying and promising to marry her. Mississippi must be filled with a lot of lesbians.

It is illegal to teach someone what polygamy is. Is that when you have sex with shapes?

MISSOURI

In Perryville it is illegal to injure any bird within city limits. Big Bird better stay the fuck of of Perryville if he knows what's good for him.

It is illegal for a bar owner to let people drink on his premises between 2 a.m. and 6 a.m. That makes sense, that's when the vampires go to the bar and drink.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Where Are They Now?

This series accounts the lives and events of people that were once famous and now you don’t know what they are doing. I’m here to give you the lowdown.

I am here to tell you what actually happened to Clara Peller. You probably don’t recognize her name but once I tell you what her tagline was you will know. She is famous for the line “Where’s the beef?”  The Wendy’s chain started this slogan back in 1984. Clara was featured in their commercials where she purchased a burger with big buns from a fictional fast food restaurant and exclaimed “where’s the beef?” while opening up the buns.

Now if you look up Clara, it will tell you that she died in 1987. This is a cover up. The truth is that after months of doing those commercials Clara went bat shit crazy. All she could dream about was hamburgers and she kept going up to random strangers asking “where’s the beef?” At first they thought she was just being colorful but it started to get out of hand. One time she showed up to one of the sets completely nude and was asking the kitchen appliances where the beef was. Clara had to be hospitalized. In order to save face and continue with their advertising Wendy’s decided to clone Clara. Any commercial featuring Clara after August of 1984 was of her clone and not her.

The clone worked out very well for Wendy’s until in 1987 it spontaneously combusted. It was reported that the real Clara Peller died in her home town in Chicago when it was actually her clone. Clara spent the next years in a mental institution until she escaped in 1993. No one knows the whereabouts of Clara. There were a few “sightings” in 1996, 1997 and 1999 but nothing was confirmed. Nobody knows if she is alive or dead. She would be 109 if she’s still roaming around out there. If you have seen her or know the whereabouts of Clara please don’t tell anyone. The Wendy’s Corporation doesn’t want to know. Also don’t ask how I know all of this information, I have my sources…. Cough…Kermit the frog…cough



If you want to read the first Where Are They Now? Click HERE

Monday, June 13, 2011

Battle of the......

 
The time has come for a fresh, new, shiny battle. I am going to pit eight Sesame Street characters against each other for your amusement (and a little for my amusement). There will be four 1st round elimination matches leaving 4 characters to duel in the 2nd round. After the 2nd round, there will be only 2 remaining characters left to fight for the crown of Sesame Street Top Dog (or Cat). The combatants will be chosen at random from the eight characters I have already chosen. Enough chit-chat, let’s get the 1st match underway.



OSCAR THE GROUCH
vs
GROVER



 



PTM: I asked the studio audience to write down some questions for our combatants to answer before their battle. I will pick them randomly from this sombrero.

PTM: I will start with you Grover. And the first question says: Which of Jim Henson’s Muppets is your favorite?

Grover: That’s an easy one, Leonardo.

PTM: No, Grover, that is the name of one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. The question was about the Muppets, you know, Kermit the Frog, Miss Piggy, Gonzo. Those guys.

Grover: Oh, I always mix those two up. I’m a big fan of Beaker. He’s so easy to understand.

PTM: Moving on, next question is, what is your favorite topping to put on a pizza?

Grover: Fruit Loops and a little honey mustard.

PTM: You’re a weird guy. Here’s another one, are you mad that you weren’t  made anatomically correct? You know, not having a penis and all.

Grover: What’s a penis?

PTM: You should ask your mother that question. One more question for you Grover, then we move on to Oscar. Who is your celebrity crush?

Grover: Penny from the Inspector Gadget cartoon. She was cute.

PTM: Ok Grover, you can go back to the locker room to get ready for the battle. Oscar, I’m going to ask you four questions from the audience now. You had a guest appearance on the sitcom Scrubs, that must have been exciting for you?

Oscar: It was but Zach Braff kept leering at me and licking his lips. I’m not sure if he wanted to eat me or bang me.

PTM: Thanks for sharing that with us. Next question, have you ever thought about upgrading to a bigger garbage can, like a 2 bedroom?

Oscar: Like I never heard that question before. How very original of whatever dumbass wrote that one up. That’s like asking Big Bird if he is self conscious about his height. Let’s hope the next question isn’t from a moron.

PTM: I was going to say that was a little harsh but then I remembered you were Oscar the Grouch. Do you have any STD’s?

Grover: Now there’s a ballsy question. Let’s see, I have herpes, had gonorrhea twice and I think I just contracted syphilis from the slut from last night but I won’t know until I go to the doctor. I’m immune to the HIV so I don’t have to worry about that.

PTM: I don’t think you can be immune to HIV.

Oscar: I know a guy that gave me some pills to block it. He’s legit.

PTM: All righty then. Last question, you would look sexy with a tattoo, how come you don’t have one?

Oscar: It’s this damn hair; it’s all over my body. If I shave it, it just grows back in a day. I actually have 3 tattoos but you can’t see them because of all this hair. If you want you can come over and shave me if you want to see them. Just meet me after the battle.

PTM: Thank you Oscar. You can go back to the locker room and be back out to battle in 20 minutes.

Now this is where you as the reader get to vote on who you want to win the battle. Do you like Grover or Oscar the Grouch? Please leave your pick in a comment. Polls will close on Friday June 17th at 11:59 PM. Ballots will be tallied and a new battle will commence on Monday.


Saturday, June 11, 2011

Sneak Peak


Coming up next week on ‘Just the Cheese’:

  • A fresh new battle. The first one I did was The Battle of the Game Show hosts where none other than Bob Barker took the crown. The second one was The Battle of the Cereal Mascots where Toucan Sam was victorious. Who you ask is in next week’s battle? It’s a secret and you are going to have to stop by on Monday to find out (I know, I’m mean like that).

  • I started a new post series a few months ago called Where Are They Now? My first post featured the Dunkin’ Donuts guy from the old commercials. Next week there will be a new edition to the newly created series.

  • I recently saw The Hangover Part Two and Pirate of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides. I haven’t reviewed a movie in awhile. I am going to combine the two movies into one review and it will surely be a review you can’t use.

I am going to try this out where I give you a heads up on what I’m posting for the following week. Maybe you care or maybe you don’t. Have a fantastic weekend filled with lots of Jell-O and cold beer.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Another IHOP Adventure

.
 I feel that every IHOP should be open 24 hours because who hasn’t gotten the craving for pancakes at 3 in the morning. And since pancakes are so difficult to make I’m relieved that I can purchase them from an “International” affiliated institute.

Nicole and I went to dine at IHOP before we saw The Hangover Part 2 (which was very funny and worth seeing if you are at all wondering, maybe I will do a review of it, don’t hold me to it). If I didn't mention it in the last IHOP post, you have to try the cinnamon roll french toast or pancakes. They are delectable. Never mind if you are on a diet, use IHOP as your cheat day. Tell them Powdered Toast Man sent you, they will give you their best seat and an extra strip of bacon. There was only one waitress working at the time and these are her thoughts during the night.
Waitress' Thoughts
“I guess he can’t taste the spit in his coffee. That is 37 in a row without being caught”
“I love bacon, someone should make a bacon drink, I would buy that”
“I wonder if that woman’s boobs are real. Would she be offended if I asked?”
 “Why is it called International House of Pancakes? Are there IHOPs in other countries? Do they ship the pancake batter in from Europe?”

“If that guy doesn’t stop staring at my ass I am going to stab him in the eye with a fork”
“I should of had an abortion”
“Shovel down another sausage link you fat piece of shit”
“I’m going to put a warning in the menu that says ‘May cause diabetes’ with a picture of Wilfred Brimley’s face”

“I can’t believe I have a master’s degree and I’m serving people scrambled eggs and coffee for a living”

“I should have taken that job to do amateur porn”
“Is Bob Barker still alive?”
“All employees must wash hands before returning to work…….except me”