Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Interview with a Pirate


I have a special guest in the studio with me today. He is an iconic figure in the food industry and all over the world (I think, don't quote me on that). Please give a warm welcome to the one and only Cap'n Crunch.

Powdered Toast Man: Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to sit down and do this interview. Now what can I call you? Do you prefer Cap'n or Mr. Crunch?

Cap'n Crunch: When you’re dressed like that – in a skimpy muscle shirt and hot red biker shorts? He leans in and lowers his tone. Call me Captain and I’ll show you my plank.

PTM: Maybe later in my dressing room.Now, I have to ask this right off the bat because I know it is on every one's mind. What is your true real name?

Cap'n: What makes you think I’m not Cap'n Crunch? He leans in again, loosening his belt this time. Do you need to see some proof?

PTM: Wait until later (whispering under his breath). I heard a rumor from another mascot, who shall remain nameless, that you have never actually been on a pirate ship. What do you have to say about this accusation?

Cap'n: Tony’s just jealous and – leaning in again- quite the Tiger, grrrr.

PTM: Is it hard being out in public without people constantly harassing you?

Cap'n: Yes. He smiles widely.

PTM: I heard that you beat out Ranger Smith from Jellystone Park and David Hasselhoff to be the mascot and spokesperson for Cap'n Crunch. Did they have any hard feelings about it and do you keep in touch with either of them?

Cap'n: Nah, Ranger Smith doesn’t have hard anything – if you know what I mean. He winks and nudges PTM. David, though, ooh, I tell ya. Some things do get better with age.

PTM: Ok then, I'm sorry I asked.  What do you think about this whole Arnold Schwarzenegger scandal?

Cap'n: What? Who is he?

PTM: Umm, he is the former governor of California, a famous action movie star. He played the Terminator.

Cap'n: Never heard of the dude. What is the scandal about? Was he dealing drugs with Lucky the Leprechaun?

PTM: Never mind, let's move on. Answer this next one quickly without thinking. Trix Rabbit, Toucan Sam, Smacks the Frog, Fuck, marry or kill? Go!

Cap'n: Smacks probably has some sort of STD from all the inter venous drugs he's taken. I'd kill that dude. Trix seems like a tender lover and his fur would feel good against my skin so I would definitely hit that. Toucan has already raised some kids so I'm sure he would be a good spouse, I'll marry him. How about you PTM?

PTM: Oh, I'd fuck all of them. 

Cap'n: My kind of guy. 

PTM: Cap'n there is another reason why I brought you on the show. There is something I need to get off my chest that I have been feeling guilty about for years. I'm the reason your wife left you 3 years ago. She was having an affair with me. We bumped into each other at an IHOP and things just happened. She told me that you aren't crunchy enough for her and that your plank doesn't stay straight. She just wanted some good ol' fashion cereal sex. I'm sorry Cap'n. I didn't mean to be a home wrecker.

Cap'n: I accept your apology. And now you can accept this. He jabs his hook into PTM's thigh.

PTM is bleeding and screaming in agony 

PTM: What the hell!?!? Oh, it hurts. MEDIC!!!!

Securtiy comes rushing out to grab Cap'n. He starts waving around his hook at them. One of the guards drops him with a tranquilizer dart. The producer comes running out.

Producer: Cut! Cut! Go to commercial! (Addresses PTM) I told you he would stab you with his hook but did you listen to me? Noooooo. You can't trust a pirate. I learned that the hard way when backed into Long John Silver's car. He came to my house the next week and left a shark in my bathtub. My wife is missing two of her toes now.

PTM: Great story, now how about you bring me to the hospital before I bleed to death. I think I need a tetanus shot.


I would like to thank RawknRobyn for supplying some of the Cap'n's lines.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Lame Joke of the Week

A wagon train got lost crossing the Plains. They’re low on food and they see an old Norwegian sitting under a tree. They stop and ask him, “Is there food around here?” He says, “Well, I don’t know, but I tell you, I wouldn’t go that way-there’s a big bacon tree over that hill.”

“A bacon tree?”

“Yah, so I wouldn’t go that way.”

The wagon train talked about it and a bacon tree sounded good to them. So they went over the hill. And over the next hill a thousand Indians were waiting for them and attacked them from all sides and took them prisoner-except for the leader, who went crawling back to the old Norwegian and said, “There was no bacon tree there, just a mob of Indians who took everybody captive.”

The Norwegian said, “Vait a minute.” He picked up his Norwegian-English dictionary and looked through it, and then said, “Oh, it wasn’t a bacon tree. It was a ham bush.”

Friday, May 20, 2011

Gary's Thoughts

Have you ever wondered what Gary (SpongeBob's pet) is actually saying and thinking. Well, I am here to translate for you.

What you hear vs. What he is actually saying

Meow = I'm hungry

Meow = I'm thirsty

Meow = I need a bath

Meeow = I'm sleepy

Meoow = I have to pee

Meow? = Why do you always wear the same thing everyday?

Meow! = I'm horny and I need to get me some!

MEOW = HELLO

Meoww = I just pooped in your bed

Mmeow = I could go for a taco

Gary's thoughts

"I wonder if SpongBob is gay"

"How is it that Patrick hasn't died from stupidity yet?"

"Why is it that SpongeBob is a freakin' sponge but he can talk and I'm a real animal and all I can do is meow like a fucking cat?"

"I've had an itch on my back for 3 years, it's driving me crazy!!"

"He lives in a pineapple under the sea, Spongeb..... DAMMIT!! I hate that song"

I wish Angelina Jolie would adopt me"

"If I have to hear SpongeBob whacking it one more time, I'm going to kill myself"

"I miss Charles in Charge, that was a good show, even though Scott Baio is a tool"

"I wonder what bacon tastes like?"

"I'm almost positive that Mr. Krabs has some with his money"

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Forewords

Each word in the two famous quotes below has been replaced with a word that comes right before it in the dictionary. What are the two quotes?

1. Thaw onlooker thine wayward hauteur tizzy fealty irrupt fealty its.

2. Asinine nosy wharf youngster countrified camshaft dizzy fop Yorkie, asinine wharf Yorkie camshaft dizzy fop youngster countrified.

 Drag your mouse across to reveal the hints and answers.

Hint 1: The quotes are related

Hint 2: Presidential quotes.

Answers:

1. The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.

2. Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Where the Hell Have I Been?!?

Finals are over and so is this school semester. I got straight A's again as usual, if anyone cares. I am back for the summer baby!! I haven't posted anything in a month. Holy crap, that is a long time in the blogging world. I have so much to catch up on. I hope I didn't miss anything really awesome. I have another battle idea I will either post this week or next.

I finally got a day job so no more working overnights all the time. I still will be once or twice a week for some extra cash but for the most part I'm working during the day. I will be back tomorrow to post something funny and awesome as usual. I hope everyone missed the Toast Man.