Monday, November 29, 2010

Monday Minute & Shocking News

Go check out Is There A Doctor In The House? for the questions.



(1) What's your favorite fast food establishment?







There is this guy by my childhood elementary school that makes some great enchiladas out of the trunk of his car. You can get 5 for 87 cents. He also has candy but he says the candy is only for the kids....lucky kids. 


(2) What's your favorite sport to watch on TV?  

This is a toss up between Jerry Springer and Martha Stewart

(3) Do you like mushrooms and onions?  


Who wants to know? I think that is a very intrusive and personal question. I might have to contact my lawyer.

(4) If you had to get a tattoo tomorrow, what would you get done?

I would definitely get my blog URL smack dab on my forehead. That or Regis Philbin's face on my lower back.

(5) What are your thoughts on the female proposing marriage to the male?

I would only accept if I got to wear the engagement ring. I love shiny things!! 


Did you hear?!?! Santa and Mrs. Claus might get a divorce! RawknRobyn has the scoop. Head over to Life By Chocolate to read the shocking scandal. Click HERE.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Dear John Letter: written by a dyslexic five year old

Daer Jhon,

 I Konw yuor nmae ins't Jhon, my mtheor tlod me to use taht nmae. I am srory to hvae to say tihs to you but I tinhk we sohuld see oehtr popele. Nipnapg wtih you has been fun but I need to mvoe on wtih my lfie. You cluod do so mcuh bteter tahn me. Suise is snlige and she is awyals lioknog at you. I hvae seen you cechk out her big, runod bule eeys. I hvae dnrak Ptere's mlik and I lkie the tsate of his wihte stutf bteetr. He ralely ejnyos it wehn I paly wiht his lolcnin log. I am keniepg the marcanoi pcitrue taht you mdae me. I whis you all the bset. Good lcuk nxet yaer in fisrt gadre. You wlil awyals be my frist ksis.

Lvoe, Smatnaha

 To view the unjumbled paragraph right click with your mouse and highlight below.
Dear John,

I know your name isn't John, my mother told me to use that name. I am sorry to have to say this you  but I think we should see other people. Napping with you has been fun but I need to move on with my life. You could do so much better than me . Susie is single and she is always looking at you. I have seen you check out her big, round blue eyes. I have drank Peter's milk and I like the taste of his while stuff better. He really enjoys it when I play with his lincoln log. I am keeping the macaroni picture that you made me. I wish you all the best. Good luck next year in first grade. You will always be my first kiss.

Love, Samantha

Studies show that the brain can read words even if they are jumbled as long as the first and last letter are correct. Was it easy to read the jumbled paragraph?

Monday, November 22, 2010

My ipod might be lying to me

I have an app on my ipod called 'Cool Facts'. I find these so called facts very interesting and I'm also skeptical of them but what the hell do I know. Would Steve Jobs lie to me? Here are some random ones I picked. Do you think they are all true?

63 feet of wire is required to make a Slinky toy.

"101 Dalmatians" and "Peter Pan" are the only Disney animations in which both of a character's parents are present and don't die during the movie.

Cher's last name was Sarkissian, she changed it because no one could pronounce it and it would not be accepted in show business.

The honeybee kills more people worldwide than all the poisonous snakes combined.

85% of all Valentine's Day cards are purchases by women.

Most Greyhounds are universal blood donors and are used to provide extra blood during another dog's surgery.

Gutzon Borgium, the sculptor of the four Presidents on Mount Rushmore, died a few months before the project was completed. It took him 14 years.

A human's scent membrane in the nose is about the size of a postage stamp. A dog's is about the size of a handkerchief. 

The first TONKA truck was made in 1947.

Holland has the densest population per square mile of any nation in the world.

The DNA of humans is closer to a rat than a cat.

The Atlantic Ocean is saltier than the Pacific Ocean.

When gentlemen in medieval Japan wished to seal an agreement, they urinated together, crisscrossing their streams of urine.

In other blog related news, Mr. Peanut beat Mr. Monopoly in their battle on November 12th. He only won by one little vote. If you missed that post for some reason which you can't explain and will make up a ridiculous excuse in two minutes, click HERE.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

There is a duck in there somewhere

 A week and a half ago on November 5th was our 3 year anniversary (Nicole and I). It also marked our one year anniversary of being engaged. The past year has just flown by. It feels like I just proposed the other day. I knew that if I didn't plan something special that I would be in trouble. Since we don't live together yet it is difficult to plan a romantic evening. I also didn't want to go to any ol' restaurant that we have been do 38 times already. I chose a restaurant that we have only been to once before (for my birthday last year, I would of blogged about this restaurant then but I didn't start my blog until after my birthday). I made reservations at The Melting Pot. It's a dining establishment where you get to cook your own lobster at your table. No, no, no, that sounds barbaric. It is actually a fondue place.

Last year there were 8 of us with only 2 fondue pots at the table so it seemed a little crowded. I figured it would make for a better experience if it was just the two of us (cue "Just the Two of Us" by Dr. Evil). And like most of the time, I was right. They seated us at Lover's Row which was a little booth with a table and ell shaped seating where you are forced with cuddle with your partner. It was very romantic. The lights were dimmed in that section and there was a single candle on the table with an anniversary card from the restaurant signed by the staff. Nice touch Melting Pot, way to earn your tips.

I'm not going to lie, the menu is a bit pricey but it's not one of those places you would go all the time anyway. We went all out and got the four course meal, cheese fondue, salads, main course and chocolate fondue. We chose the cheddar fondue with had some Swiss and other spices. That was served with apples, bread and veggies for dipping. Boy do I love me some cheese. The salads were very flavorful and delicious. For our main course fondue we had a Caribbean style oil. Nicole got the filet mignon while I chose an assortment of meat. My dish came with pork, chicken, shrimp, teriyaki steak, duck and pot stickers. The meat is served raw and your job is to throw it on a fondue fork and cook it the way you want it. Cooking time is very minimal, only need 2 minutes per slice of meat. Accompanying our dishes were more veggies (potatoes, mushrooms, broccoli, asparagus and peppers) and 5 dipping sauces (curry, ginger, teriyaki, cream cheese and some other white one).

With it only being the two of us it was a lot less crowded in the fondue pot and cooking time was quick. When it was the 8 of us last year it took forever to cook our food. I wasn't too thrilled with the duck, it had a ginger glaze and I'm not a big fan of ginger. However the teriyaki steak was delicious, I wish I had more of that. We were both pretty much full after our main course but we had to make a little room for dessert. How often do we get to eat chocolate fondue? We chose the flaming turtle which is milk chocolate, caramel and chopped pecans which was flambeed right in front of us. It was a pretty cool sight and I wish I had a picture to show you but Nicole was too slow with the camera.

For dippers we had strawberries, marshmallows coated in chocolate, cheesecake, brownies, bananas and sesame chicken....... there was no chicken (just seeing if you are still paying attention). More chocolate fondue please!!! We should of started with that. We had a tough time deciding on what chocolate fondue to get. There are so many tasty looking choices.

I recommend The Melting Pot for 2 to 4 people, any more and it seems a bit crowded. It's perfect for two people. It is definitely a different dining experience. Getting to cook your food at your table is fun and it leaves a lot of room for talking. The night doesn't go by so fast. Oh I forgot one of the best things I had. Order up a Love Martini, it is so yummy. It might be a girly drink but I don't care. It has peach schnapps, coconut rum, cranberry juice and fresh strawberries. Our bill came to about $125 including tip. At least try it once and see what you think, it may not be for everybody.

We also did something the next day for our anniversary which I will save for another post cuz this one is way too long already. I also have to talk about our anniversary presents next time. Could it be a real live pony or a banjo perhaps?

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

I Got Good News and Gooder-er News

The good news is that this blog has 100 fewer calories and 4 grams less fat, so take a few extra bites if you want. The gooder-er news is that I am guest posting over at THE INVISIBLE SEDUCTRESS today along with another blogger buddy, RawknRobyn. You will laugh, you will cry, you will hopefully pee your pants a little. The topic at hand is the controversy regarding Pluto and Goofy. Want to know more? Hop on over there by clicking HERE or HERE but not HERE.

If for some reason you are too lazy to click on a link then scroll back a post and read my Monday Minute.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Monday Minute: My Turn

Cristy over at Is There  Doctor in the House? is letting me host the Monday Minute this week. She put out an open invitation in her last post asking if anyone wanted to come up with questions and I jumped on the chance. All the questions you see here are from my own noggin'.













My Questions:

1) Would you rather be stuck on a bumpy roller coaster while having to pee extremely bad OR be stuck on a crowded elevator with really bad gas with co-workers?

2) What is the one thing you miss most from your childhood?

3) If aliens exist, what do you think they look like? (describe)

4) Would you rather discuss your body weight or your salary with people that you know?

5) If you were stuck in a predicament like in the movie Alive, could you revert to cannibalism? If so, how would you feel about eating your deceased friends and family?

6) People that are born blind, what do they dream about? Sounds?

My Answers:

1) I would have to pick the elevator. I would be afraid that my bladder might explode on the roller coaster plus I like the smell of my own farts (they smell like a spring meadow).

2) I miss my imaginary friend Gordon. He was attacked and killed by a swan.

3) They have Tom Arnold's head, Roseanne Barr's body before the plastic surgery and the voice of Fran Drescher.

4) They are both the same number, 185, blogging doesn't bring home the bacon.

5) I wish my family was a little chubbier, I'm not going to get much meat from them.

6) All they dream about is James Earl Jones' voice when he played Mufasa in The Lion King.

If you want to participate either link up to your own blog with the answers in a post or leave them in a comment. Make sure you go visit Cristy's blog to show the real hostess some love.


















Friday, November 12, 2010

Mr. Peanut vs Mr. Monopoly

It's about time we decide which lovable character looks better in a cane and top hat. I list some pros and cons about each of them and then you decide who is better based on whatever criteria you want to use.

MR. PEANUT

Pros

  •  Is the mascot for an entire company
  • Uses his cane to rescue kittens from trees
  • Knows how to rock a monocle
  • Can speak 11 different languages
  • Has never cheated on a test
  • Was once the mayor of Fargo, North Dakota
  • He tastes delicious

Cons
  • He has high blood pressure from all the salt
  • Carries around pornography under his hat
  • Never learned how to ride a bike
  • Sexual harasses women, men, plants and goldfish, especially at work
  • Can't grow facial hair
  • Has battled with bulimia most of his life
  • He doesn't actually need the cane, he is not handicapped, only pretending to be

MR. MONOPOLY

Pros

  • Sports a sexy mustache
  • Can recite the alphabet backwards while gargling milk
  • Owns the rights to the best selling board game
  • Still has all his own teeth
  • Had sex with Marilyn Monroe before JFK
  • He is the 14th richest man in the world
  • Gives blood every month
Cons

  • Never washes his hands after using the bathroom
  • He beat up Wilfred Brimley for no good reason
  • He smells like pickles and burnt toast
  • Gave Marilyn Monroe an STD
  • Hasn't made monopoly 3D yet
  • Trips people with his cane for fun
  • Has never seen the movie E.T. the Extra Terrestrial

Time to vote for your favorite cane-wielding-top-hat-wearing character. All the votes will be counted 3 times for accuracy. Absentee ballots for those of you in space are not being accepted at this time.



Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Urinal Etiquette

This post is from the beginning of the year. I don't think anyone read it. I will have a fresh new post for tomorrow or Friday. Enjoy!


Do women know about urinal etiquette? Does every guy know all the rules? I have this game on my ipod touch called the urinal test. It is a pretty silly game but it's fun and gets lots of laughs. Basically there are 7 urinals and some of them are occupied, which one should you take? The basic idea is that the distance between users should be maximized, at the same time minimizing a newcomer's chance of getting too close.
Every guy has been faced with a predicament where he has to choose which urinal to do his business at. I hate it when the urinals don't have the dividers between them and you hope the guy next to you isn't staring at your junk. I also hate when the only urinal available is the low one made for little kids and hobbits. And what is with the ones that go all the way to the floor? I'm not a big fan of peeing on my shoes. You also have to watch out for the random splatter affect that boggles the minds of scientists. You will start peeing and all of a sudden it mysteriously shoots back at you.
The number one urinal rule is: if I'm holding my dick don't talk to me. That's a big no-no. For some reason some of you guys out there think it's okay to make idle chitchat at the urinal but you are incorrect. The only acceptable time is when you are both washing your hands and/or drying them. Please follow all rules of urinal etiquette. You will not be asked a second time.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Monday Minute: Episode 46



(1) What's for dinner tonight?
A box of Cheez-It's, 12 marshmallows, 3 boiled slugs, crumbs from the bottom of the toaster and a glass of hot sauce.
(2) Have you ever been stung by a bee or a wasp?
No, but I was once stung by a rhinoceros.
(3) What time do you go to sleep every evening?
Zombies don't sleep.
(4) What's your favorite ice cream flavor?
Porcupine quill swirl.
(5) If you could have one power, what would it be?
Never have to pee or poop ever again. 

Make sure you go check out the new Man-Cave. Geof relaunched his blog. He ditched the "Enter" and now it is just The Man-Cave. Go check it out HERE.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

New Game Show


Welcome to the Celebrity Marriage Game Show. I ask a celebrity couple that has been married at least a few years some questions to test how much they know about each other. With us today are Roger and Jessica Rabbit from the hit movie Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

PTM: Roger and Jessica, I asked both of you questions back stage. We are going to see how well you know each other. I am going to ask the questions again and you will reveal your answers. It's sort of like the newlywed game but for couples that have been married awhile. Let's get started.

PTM: Roger where did you two have your first kiss?
Roger: Oh it was j-j-just so special, I snuck in while she was performing and put something in her drink, they said it was a "sugar" pill,, she fell asleep like an angel, I sm-sm-smelled her pits and got some sugar!
Jessica: I can’t believe you said that, my bunny! (Whacking him on the head with the card) It was at the playboy mansion, remember? You had a tequila carrot shot, and I had you.

PTM: What is Jessica's favorite food?
Roger: Jessica is rather fond of the Smorgasboard restaurant in Toontown, it's all she can eat pickled platypussss, it tastes like chicken.
Jessica: (Glaring at Roger) What’s wrong with you? You know I’d do anything for your chocolate covered carrot, darling!

PTM: What is Jessica's bra size?
Roger: (holds paws out, does back flip) Rogersized!!
Jessica: My bra is a one-size-fits-all, sugar.

PTM: What is Jessica's favorite sexual position?
Roger: The neighbor recommended one that he thought she might like, I have not tried it yet, it has feathers and ju-ju bes.
Jessica: I always liked churches, ministers, and the basic missionary. Anything else confuses him. As you can tell, he’s a bit of an idiot.

PTM: If Jessica were to describe you in two words what would they be?
Roger: Pellet dropper.
Jessica: Long eared, hare brained, and sexy as any long eared, hare brained guy could be.

PTM: Who is Jessica's celebrity crush?
Roger: Some guy who's blog she reads, he's some kind of breakfast chef/superhero.
Jessica: Jack Black revs my engine. Once you go Jack.,,.well, it’s getting real hot in here, honey.

PTM: Would Jessica sleep with me for $1000?
Roger: Maybe if you were a breakfast chef/superhero? She likes to call me her "waffle toast guy" sometimes, shes s-s-so silly
Jessica: No. You’re cute for Powdered Toast and all, but I prefer to get my bunny hopping – if you know what I mean (Wink, wink).
_________________
 
PTM: What is the first thing that attracted you to Roger?
Jessica: His long, erect ears. I think he was excited to see me.
Roger: She loved my long erect ears

PTM: What is Roger's favorite cartoon?
Jessica: Me, silly.
Roger: Simon Says

PTM: How many licks does it take Roger to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
Jessica: Oh, we like that game! He’s fast. Roger does it in 3 licks. I do it in 2  (Wink. Wink).
Roger: I love soda and sticky tape!

PTM: Who is Roger's least favorite Spice Girl?
Jessica: Vanilla Spice. He says she isn’t a real singer.
Roger: Dirty Spice! Or was that Xtina Aguilera?  (Eyes pop out of head) Zowzerzzzz! She's beautiful, no matter what they say, words can't bring her down!!

PTM:: What does Roger think your best feature is?
Jessica: That’s a really hard one, really hard. (Giggle. Giggle) My buxom, supple pinkie toes.
Roger: CaZONGAS!!!!!!!!

PTM: What is Roger's favorite sexual position?
Jessica:  Yes, my Roger’s in favor of sex. He just needs to turn the GPS on first to find his way around. 
Roger: The ones where she joins me wearing a Michelin Man costume and a can of fix-a-flat. I love air!

PTM: What is Roger's biggest phobia?
Jessica: Chuck E. Cheese. Can you blame the guy?
 Roger: Anvils being dropped on me.

PTM: You two have been married over 20 years and it doesn't seem like you've ever met. I think you had one matching answer. Jessica, I think you have hypnotized Roger with your cazongas. The puddle of saliva is getting too big for the maintenance staff to keep up with. Well that's our show folks. Come back next time where we will have another celebrity couple to harass....err question.

I would like to thank RawknRobyn and Invisible Seductress for playing the parts of Jessica and Roger Rabbit. Robyn was Jessica and Seductress was Roger. Great answers ladies. Go give them some love now.
 

Monday, November 1, 2010

Monday Minute: Halloweenie Style

Go jump over to Is There a Doctor in the House? to join in on the fun.




What did you dress up as your first Halloween?

I dressed up as a sperm entering an egg.

What has been your favorite Halloween costume of all time?

When I was 20 I dressed up in my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle costume from when I was like 7. It was a snug fit but I was an awesome Leonardo.

Do you believe in ghosts?

Yes but only because Patrick Swayze's acting is so believable.

What's your favorite holiday of the year?

It's definitely National bring your pet guinea pig to work Day. I get so excited abut that one that I almost pee my pants. 

What's your favorite fall dessert? 

Leaf Pie. The ingredients are very simple, two parts leaves, one part pie.