Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
"Have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion."
I found this on texts from last night and thought I would share it. If you have never been to the site you should definitely check it out. It has some pretty funny and fucked up shit on it
Monday, September 28, 2009
To the bat cave!!
If you expect and plan for obstacles in your life then it will be that much easier to conquer them. No one said life was easy and if they did well then they are an asshole. Life sucks and you have to make the most of it with the time you have. You can take this as advice or some sort of life lesson, frankly I don't care. I am just trying to educate the world one post at a time. I actually have no idea where I'm heading with this, I had a good idea and I hoped that it would lead somewhere as I typed but I'm drawing a blank. Give me a second..........
If I was to offer you one piece of advice it would be to wear sunscreen.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
This theory brings me to my original topic: People do not know how to drive anymore. Today's generation of motorists barely qualify as licensed pedestrians. I don't think anyone knows what the purpose of a turn signal really is or how long you should wait at a stop sign before proceeding. Now I am not a perfect driver, I break the law from time to time and account for my fair share of non-signaling and erratic behavior but I am far better than most of the jackasses out there.
I vote on implementing a new requirement for owning a driver's license. I believe that everyone should have to take a driver's test every 5 years (free of charge of course, the DMV gets too much of our money as it is.) This will hopefully weed out those who passed their first exam by accident. It's a miracle that certain people even received a license. This will also cut down on automobile accidents and breaking the law such as speeding and rolling through stop signs. I cannot stand the dumb asses that are out there on the asphalt. I just want to run them off the road and beat them with a sack of potatoes until they learn their lesson.
Let's drive safe out there............or do you like potatoes that much?
Saturday, September 26, 2009
This is an outrage!! I'm no longer going to the movies on Fridays, I am not paying full price anymore. I am organizing a worldwide boycott (well actually just the U.S.) of the theaters on Friday and Saturday, now who is with me? Anyone? Okay a one man boycott is not going to be as effective.
Enough ranting, I started this post to review Surrogates, let's get started.
I have been waiting for this movie for awhile, I saw the trailer for it like 3 months ago during Funny People I think. (If you haven't read my review of Funny People yet you should, it's my first post in August called Reviews you cant use .) No wait that's wrong, it was probably Public Enemies, I don't know, it's not important now. Any who, the film looked really cool and original and it had Bruce Willis in it (you can't go wrong with him.) I had high expectations for this one and it didn't quite meet them. The movie was good but it seemed like there was something missing, either it was too short or not enough action.
Is the future going to have robots that we control with our mind and go to work for us and do our errands? That would be awesome technology to have. However people would become a lot more lazy than they are now with their hover rounds and jazzys. In the movie 98% of the population used a surrogate. You never have to leave your house.....ever, it does everything for you. Even picks up the ladies for you and "entertains" them. Now you can get the basic model with just sight and sound or the fully loaded deal with all the senses, not too shabby. I wonder what the price tag on one of those bad boys is? I'm going to put a down payment on mine now....where did I put my checkbook?
I think my reviews are turning into crazy rants instead of actual reviews of the movies, whatever. I'm probably not going to get Roger Ebert's job anytime soon. You should still go see Surrogates anyway, it was very original and well because I said so, and that's good enough for me. I'm planning on seeing the new Michael Moore documentary/movie; Capitalism: A Love Story, so look forward to that review.
Next time you are at the concession stand at the theater order just the cheese, no nachos, just the cheese.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
I'm not sure where the movie would take place. Maybe on the first island again? Also who would the cast contain? I think they should bring back the grand kids as adults, that would connect to the original. They should get the original cast back together too: Sam Neill, Laura Dern and Jeff Goldblum. I really hope they decide to make this movie. I'm getting tired of pointless and crappy sequels. If Speilberg knows what's good for him he will direct Jurassic Park 4: The Extinction. Give me the damn script, I'll direct it if I have to.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Here are 41 TBA movies to tickle your fancy....
Thundercats - I had the lunchbox when I was younger. Would probably be worth some $$ now. Should be a kick ass movie
Beverly Hills Cop 4 - It's about time Eddie Murphy makes another action movie
Get Smart 2 - I used to watch the show on TVLAND, thought the 1st one was funny but could of been better
Rambo 5 - Didn't see the last one. Is Sly wearing depends yet?
National Treasure 3 - Loved the 1st one. Curious to see what they are gonna do for this one
Inside Man 2
Pirates of the Caribbean 4 - Huge Depp fan, should be good.
XXX 3- the return of Xander Cage - Didn't like that Vin Diesel wasn't in the 2nd one but he returns in this bad boy
Ghostbusters 3 - They are all old but who doesn't love The Ghostbusters?
Hostel part III - 1st one gave me the heebie jeebies
Scream 4 - 3rd one sucked, had a lame plot. I'll still watch this one but just to see what they come up with
Anchorman 2 - original was hilarious, will only be good with Farrell
300 2 - did not expect a sequel to this one....remember the guy with the eye patch?
Super Troopers 2 - didnt need a sequel but why the hell not
I am Legend 2 - ???
Ghost Rider 2 - Wasn't a big fan of the 1st one, hopefully they do a better job
X-men origins: Magneto - Love X-men, a little disappointed in Wolverine though
Bourne 4 - They could make 10 more of these
Toy Story 3 - So excited, I've been waiting years for this sequel
Indiana Jones 5 - Didn't like the ending to 4, don't know if Ford is gonna be in this one. Shia might take over
Tron 2 - Still need to see the original
The Lost Boys 3 - Straight to DVD
Big Momma's House 3 - Are they serious? A bit overdone
The Strangers 2 - Watch the 1st one, pretty good
Harold and Kumar 3 - Should be funny
Wanted 2 - Who is gonna be in this one?
Silent Hill 2 - Fell asleep watching the 1st one, a little confused.
Gambit - It's about fucking time. They teased us with him in Wolverine. Been waiting forever to see him in action
The Green Lantern
Iron Man 2 - The 1st one was so amazing. Robert Downey jr is a great Tony Stark. Don't like the change to Don Cheadle from Terrence Howard
Sin City 2 - Awesome
Sin City 3 - Awesome again
Superman: Man of Steel - They better get it right this time
Wonder Woman - Hope they use someone hot, Jessica Biel is a rumored
X-Men: First Class
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Pride and Glory also stars Colin Farrell and Jon Voight. I'm not going to bore you with the plot summary, you can read that on IMDB. Actually it might be a little tough to talk about the movie without giving you a little plot. For the most part it's about cop corruption and covering it up. Colin Farrell is the corrupt cop and Edward Norton is the detective trying to solve the case. Don't whine, I didn't give anything away that you don't find out within the first 20 minutes. Jon Voight plays Norton's father and retired Captain or some rank that I don't remember at this time (I'm not being paid for this so it doesn't have to be 100% accurate.)
Let's just say part of the movie involves a pissed off Colin Farrell, a hot iron and a crying baby......enough said. This movie is packed with people getting the shit kicked out of them and wild gunfire. If you care this movie was directed by Gavin O'connor who hasn't really done anything else that I know of.
This movie definitely met my expectations. It was very entertaining and I highly recommend it if you are not a brain dead vegetable and if you are well it sucks to be you. I want to apologize to all my loyal avid brain dead vegetable readers, that was uncalled for.
I should of wrote this review last week right after I watched the movie because I don't know what else to say and I've forgotten parts of the movie. Oh well...... add it to your Netflix queue.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Friday, September 18, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Now aren't we as a country trying to help our environment by making and driving economic and hybrid vehicles? How the hell is Nascar helping with our oil problems? We don't have enough oil to last us in our lifetime but we can waste it on driving in a circle for 500 miles!?!
I don't even get Nascar anyway. How is it fun to watch cars make left turns for like 3 hours? Most people watch it hoping for a crash anyway. I have watched some Nascar in my lifetime and I was not entertained. I will give credit to the drivers though, it probably takes a lot of skill driving inches away from 20 other cars going 200 mph. Maybe I need to be a redneck or have my own ambulance in order to understand and enjoy it.
Of course the government isn't going to get break up Nascar because they make way too much money off of it. Just like fucking cigarettes but that's another post in of itself.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Monday, September 14, 2009
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Ashley unbuttoned her socks a little to show off her earlobes. Mark was jumping on the beer bong when he noticed Ashley's ample geese. Ashley has a crush on Mark and is always trying to get his attention. The marble on Mark's finger reminds him to stop staring at grandma and get back to work. Ashley knows Mark is Jewish but she doesn't care, she wants his bouncy totem pole inside her anyway. Mark loves spanking at work because he gets to see what Ashley is wearing everyday which is usually something smelly.
Mark has had many sexual dreams about Ashley but would never tell his stripper that. The last dream he had they were making love on a quad with everybody watching them. Ashley could have any man she wants but for some reason she wants to have sex with Mark. Ashley drops her stapler on purpose in front of Mark and he gets a good look down her pantyhose. Mark can't take this teasing anymore. He grabs her left butt cheek and takes her into the bedroom where he fucks her against the dishwasher. Mark's wife finds out and eats his balls. The End.
I had a really strange dream the other night. I was living next to some kind of church where a cult lived. This cult was somehow making everybody gay. They got my family but I managed to escape by jumping into the river and swimming my ass off. I ended up at a mansion on a small island that my brother-in-law Brian was living. I was trying to explain to him and my sister what was going on but they didn't believe me (how could I blame them?) They finally started to believe me when one of his jock friends showed up acting very flamboyant. I'm not sure how they transformed people into homosexuals, all I know is that it was a crazy ass dream.
Now I'm not a homophobe, I have no problem with homosexuals, I just prefer the vagina to the schlong. I wonder what that dream meant? No I'm not gay, if that's what you are thinking. Ask Nicole, she will vouch for me.
(1) article of clothing (2) part of the body (3) verb ending in "ing" (4) object in your house(5) plural animal (6) circular object (7) person you know (8) one word insult (9) adjective
(10) object (11) verb ending in "-ing" (12) adjective ending in Y
(13) occupation (14) something you ride in/on (15) office object (16) article of clothing (17) part of the body (18) kind of room (19) appliance (20) use punches, licks, sucks, kicks or eats
Ashley unbuttoned her (1) a little to show off her (2). Mark was (3) on the (4) when he noticed Ashley's ample (5). Ashley has a crush on Mark and is always trying to get his attention. The (6) on Mark's finger reminds him to stop staring at (7) and get back to work. Ashley knows Mark is (8) but she doesn't care, she wants his (9) (10) inside her anyway. Mark loves (11 to work because he gets to see what Ashley is wearing everyday which is usually something (12). Mark has had many sexual dreams about Ashley but would never tell his (13) that. The last dream he had they were making love on a (14) with everybody watching them. Ashley could have any man she wants but for some reason she wants to have sex with Mark. Ashley drops her (15) on purpose in front of Mark and he gets a good look down her (16). Mark can't take this teasing anymore. He grabs her (17) and takes her into the (18) where he fucks her against the (19) . Mark's wife finds out and (20) his balls. The End.
Friday, September 11, 2009
The film was entertaining and had cool death scenes but a sad final chapter to the series. The first one was a lot better and more original. I think they made it just to make a movie. Hollywood needs to stop releasing crappy sequels and start producing quality films again. Some sequels are good but others should not see the light of day.
First off there were no big named actors in it or anyone I knew for that matter so that should of gave me a clue that it was gonna suck. I shouldn't even be writing this review because I really don't have anything positive to say about the movie except it got me out of the house. I can only discourage you from seeing this movie but if you have your heart set on seeing it then rent it on DVD when it gets released. Don't waste your hard-earned stripping money. Your grandma will be mad at you.
Well this didn't turn out to be much of a review at all. Let's hope I do better next time when I see something decent and worth reviewing.
Please don't be shy. Ask me about an actor's name or a line from a movie, whatever floats your boat. I will get back to you as quickly as possible, probably within 30 minutes of you sending your query. Have fun with it and I will talk to you soon.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Picture it. Italy. 2007. A young college student and her classmates arrive in Rome after an 8 hour flight. They are studying there for 3 weeks, trying to learn the ins and outs of roman culture. Also, they are trying to come back to America as alcoholics.
We had class from about 9am until maybe 3 in the afternoon. After that we were free to do whatever we wanted. Usually what we did was go take a nap after class, wake up, get ready, go out to dinner and then stay out all night until 3 or 4 and wake up at 9 and do it all over again. That is exactly how it went for 3 straight weeks. It was great.
Me and my group of friends convinced our professor to give us 2 days off in a row so we could travel to Capri. We weren't supposed to but, we were on fucking vacation okay! We went there and it was beautiful. The water is so blue, the island is just breath taking, and its very expensive. We got ourselves a hotel and stayed overnight. In fact, everyone heard about how much fun we had, and, it is now an official excursion on the trip now. Yeah that's right, I'm a trendsetter.
I cant wait to go back, God willing, I will. I want to go with Jamie. I want to show him all the things I saw because I think he would really love it. I WILL go again. Someday.. The point of the story is: travel. Travel near and far, I want to go so many places. Shoot, I even want to just go to Disney world just because I haven't been, (Jamie is taking me). See as much as you can, you never know when it will be gone. I was able to experience centuries of culture and tradition, and I really do hope I get to see much more.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Who doesn't love hot moms? I love this shirt, I forgot where I got it. I think it was a Christmas present or something. I do get good reviews when I wear it. It might offend ugly moms though......they need lovin' too.
Did you know that penguins only live in the southern hemisphere and polar bears only live in the northern hemisphere? I learned that tidbit at the Maritime Aquarium in Norwalk on Saturday. I also learned that not all penguins need to be in cold weather, there are African penguins too which is what I went to see at the aquarium. The exhibit was called "penguins on the loose" but it should of been called "penguin on the loose," they only had one waddling around. Their reason for this was that they don't force the penguins, they want them to be comfortable and they also don't teach them any tricks.....fiddlesticks!! His name was Stump and was very cute, check him out in a video: penguins.
There were 9 other penguins in a habitat outside that were pretty cool. I think Wayne Newton has a pet penguin and has a special refrigerated room for it. That would be awesome to have a pet penguin, I'm trying to save enough money to get a giraffe. Not sure how I'm going to pull that one off, the shipping cost from Africa is going to be outrageous.
On Sunday I spent the whole day in Brooklyn at Nicole's family reunion/BBQ. Man, those Latinos really know how to have some fun. I don't know what the joke was but everybody was laughing the whole day. I believe I was one of 3 white guys at this shindig, now I know what it feels like to be a minority. There was tons of food at the bbq, no way I was going hungry. This was no backyard bbq at your grandmas with just hamburgers and hot dogs. There was seafood salad, shrimp kabobs, shish kabobs, macaroni salad, potato salad, seafood rice and grilled corn on the cob which is the best corn I have ever eaten. It seems pretty simple to make, you leave it in the husk, soak it with water and grill it up to perfection.
I organized a touch football game against the family next to us. I think organized is the wrong word, I got bored so i was punting the football up to myself and people just wandered over asking to have a catch and it eventually turned into a game. First play I ended up on the asphalt walkway, don't worry I only got a small cut, I stayed in the game. Now I work out, exercise and stuff but I am very sore all over and I have muscles that hurt that I didn't even know that I had. I don't even understand why I'm so sore, we weren't playing tackle football. Time to get a real massage.
After we left the park we hung out at ummm... somebody's house, some relative I think of Nicole's. The night consisted of all of us sitting in a big circle on the patio looking at dirty pics and jokes on her uncles' cell phones. I didn't know her family was so dirty, I shared a few pics I had but I usually delete texts I get, I never think to save them for future reference. Anyway I got some good jokes to post in the next week. Here is a taste: A man dyes his chest hair grey so him and his wife can collect social security. His wife says, "why don't you go show them your dick so we can collect disability!"
Finally Monday I went and hung out with my buddy Dustin at his grandparents house in Amenia......redneck city. They were having a bbq, the typical kind with burgers and hot dogs and strippers.....never mind about the strippers, they didn't show. Now it wouldn't be a redneck bbq without some horseshoes. I have to admit I do like playing horseshoes, I'm surprised it's not a sport, I mean bowling is and that's for lazy people. Nothing really excited happened except for Dustin's great grandfather hitting on his lady friend, he is a very dirty old man. Talking about getting hookers in Japan back during the war for a pack of cigarettes. A carton cost 80 cents back in the day, that could buy you a lot of ladies.
I used the bathroom a few times and noticed that they were using a cement mixing tub as a kitty litter box, now that's a redneck invention. How big are the fucking cats in that house? There must be small lions living there.
I haven't done that much stuff over the weekend in awhile. I am tired and sore but it was a lot of fun. I need to start taking pics of my adventures. My camera sucks on my phone though....time to get a new phone. Any suggestions???
Monday, September 7, 2009
I mentioned in one of my first posts about the origin of my blog title: "just the cheese." It's from Dane Cook's stand up; Vicious Circle. I have been looking for a youtube clip to post so you can enjoy my blog that much more but I can't find any such clip. If you have not seen/heard Vicious Circle, you should definitely check it out, it's good stuff. I don't want to ruin the joke or screw up the punchline but Dane talks about going to the movies with a girlfriend and she wants some food from the concession stand. She's craving the nacho cheese that comes with the nachos, no nachos, just the cheese. Who wouldn't love a cup full of processed movie theater cheese as a snack? There is more to the bit but I don't know it all off hand.........well I probably do but I'm not going to type the whole thing, go see it for yourself.
I love cheese (even though it blocks me up a little) and I somehow always fit that quote in during the day. If anybody finds a clip of that bit let me know so I can post it on this bitch.
Answer: A rooster says cock-a-doodle-do, Lil Kim says any cock will do.
Why do cowgirls walk bowlegged?
Answer: Because cowboys like to eat lunch with their hats on.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Friday, September 4, 2009
- Fireproof cape - geared towards firefighters and home safety
- Glow in the dark cape - for clubbing and night time fun
- Waterproof cape - to wear in the rain or pool
- Stain resistant cape - for clean freaks
- Mini cape - for the vertically challenged, kids or don't like full size
- Look at me cape (with lights and sounds) - for attention whores
- Floatation Device cape - in case you're on the Titanic
- Parachute cape - may come in handy
- Bib cape - for the fancy baby
- Groomsman cape - an addition to the top hat and cane
- Purse cape - with pockets so women don't need to carry a bag
- Roll-up cape - rolls up into a pouch like a hood for when you don't need it
- Blanket cape - is thicker for the colder nights
- Advertising cape - market your business
- Animal cape - a penguin would look awesome, it already has the tuxedo
I want to give partial credit to my buddy Dustin Horton for creating these brilliant ideas. We got bored on the way back from a sales conference in Pittsburgh and started talking about capes for some reason. We talked for like an hour about it in detail and were laughing hysterically. I think the monopoly guy could use a nice cape. If you have any creative cape suggestions please let me know. This is definitely going to catch on........well probably not.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
I enjoy blogging, it lets me get my thoughts down on "paper" even if they are ridiculous or weird. I'm not sure how much of an audience I have with this thing but I don't care that much as long as a few people enjoy my ramblings. I usually have some good ideas but I fail to write them down or remember them so they just get lost in my subconscious. It is a lot harder to put ideas into words than you think it would be. Talking aloud to myself is easy, then I try to form it into something that makes sense and it doesn't turn out that way. Writers block is a real thing and not just an excuse for the lazy. It would be cool to be a writer but I'm not very articulate or eloquently spoken. Things don't come out of my mouth the way they form in my brain.
I'm not sure I was going with this post, it has kind of gotten away from me and I don't know what direction I was heading in. I think I was hoping that something would pop into my head that I could write about but that did not happen. I'm going to leave you with a quote from Kevin James from The King of Queens. "I use bacon as a condiment!!"
Now besides the weather being bad, my grandmother is 90 years old so there isn't much she can do anymore. We ended up playing Boggle like 18 times to pass the time (I kick ass in that game.) When I wasn't annoying Joe and Jess with my vocab skills, I was watching some preseason football on the tv from 1983. This tv had the buttons on the side next to the screen with the dials to adjust the color, hue, and contrast. It should have been in a museum not in her living room.
We found out that my grandma does not like tattoos, she asked how would we go about removing them. I couldn't even kill time on the internet, she doesn't have a computer. I don't even know if she knows what the internet is. Joe and I got so bored that he challenged me to see who could hold up their left leg the longest off the couch. We figured that we would both only last 45 seconds. Well after 16 minutes we both were in pain and just wanted the stupid contest to end. Joe eventually didn't care if he won and put down his leg declaring me the victor. I'm still paying the price for that dumbass game, my quadricep is very sore.
One of the few exciting things that happened was that I got to enjoy some blizzards at Dairy Queen (a tradition when we visit.) I decided to find DQ using my navigation on my phone, it brought us to the DQ 15 minutes away when there was one 30 seconds down the road. Damn navigator not updating for new locations!!